This happened to me!
Breadless Banter and Steam-Less Sauna Suspense
Trials and Tribulations of a Hotel Stay- I MUST LIE!
This happened to me!
I went away for the weekend on a business trip…
Arrival — but be warned
As we pulled up, our eyes were drawn to a sight that defied convention — a cluster of seven Victorian-style houses seamlessly merged into one hotel structure, well, a Resort is what they called it.
The car park extended generously along the rear of the property, providing ample space for over 70 cars.
I had chosen this hotel primarily for its affordability. Despite being distant from the town centre, it was just a ten-minute drive away.
As we pulled in, it was disconcerting. Numerous signs emphasised that management absolved itself of any responsibility for lost belongings. That is fine, but I counted at least 15 of these signs! We get the message!
We all became amateur detectives, suspiciously eyeing every passer-by.
Were our vehicles safe here?
The lovely scent of …
I must admit, I was intrigued from the outside, but once I stepped into the foyer, it was even more impressive.
The bar and foyer were spacious, with elegant chairs and cosy sofas arranged in two sections, comfortably accommodating 80 people.
Rows upon rows of bedrooms further impressed me. How did they manage to fit them all in here?
I was also eager to see how they included a sauna, swimming pool, and jacuzzi within this limited space.
My room was tastefully decorated in muted colours and large size with a significant super king bed!
As I entered my room, a peculiar scent wafted into my nostrils. An unpleasant suspicion lingered — could it be the scent of urine?
That faint linger was all over the bedroom — Ahh, it was coming from the bathroom!
I drew back the curtain, my eyes were met with an unsettling sight — a series of ominous brown stains, like the aftermath of an unfortunate incident!
I hurriedly grabbed my body spray from my bag, giving the room a spritz to mask the persistent odour.
I flung open the windows. I hoped the fresh air would carry away the lingering urine scent, but it stubbornly clung to the room like an unwelcome guest. Just my bloody luck!
Your dinner served ten feet to the right
The four of us walked to the bar. We had been travelling for four hours and wanted a drink and something to eat.
We were told that dining was at 5 p.m., but we could have drinks.
Time check 4.40.
Oh well, it looks like drinks first! I fancy a cocktail.
I made several attempts to place an order, but every cocktail I requested was unavailable. After my fifth try, I finally accepted any drink offered despite its dissimilarity to a traditional cocktail.
We were then told that if we wanted food to be served at our table, we had to go to the other area — just about ten feet away.
Really? Could we not stay where we were?
No, if we stayed there, they would not come to our table to take any orders; we would have to order it all at the bar.
Oh well, to ten feet away it is then! Could they not be flexible?
The other seating area looked identical to where we were sitting, but just 10 feet away — I am not kidding.
So we all got up and moved ten feet to the other area. What a palaver.
I noticed crumbs from the previous guest on all the chairs. I just dusted them off myself! I could not be asked!
Please, sir, can I have some bread
When dinner time came, I ordered the soup as I wasn’t starving. The menu initially mentioned carrots and coriander with bread, but the waitress later informed me that it was broccoli with cream. Given my lactose intolerance, I couldn’t have that.
Instead, I opted for chicken skewers from the starters menu and asked if they could include bread with that.
The waitress said she would check.
When my meal arrived, there was no bread.
“ Is the bread coming?” I asked.
“No, they said they don’t serve bread without the soup.” She replied.
I cast a suspicious glance, half-expecting her to perform a grand bread reveal from behind her back, accompanied by a mischievous “Just kidding.”
But, she just walked back to the kitchen. I watched her as she walked away. No, she would not be returning for the grand reveal!
I understand that times may be challenging, but no “extra” bread was available, not even in the expansive kitchen, which circles the entire property.
Instead, they brought my meal without bread, leaving me just two solitary chicken skewers!
This marked the third strike — a bedroom with Eau de Urine scent, crap cocktail and no bread. Well, none for me, I guess!
Time to not sleep
To get some sleep and dream about bread, I returned to my room, which initially seemed fine. I occupied the last bedroom in the row so it would be nice and quiet.
However, my next-door neighbours were like a 24/7 radio talk show until 1:30 a.m., when they finally hit the snooze button on their conversations.
Damn, I forgot my noise-cancelling earplugs!
I was tempted to knock on the wall and join in!
I caught some shut-eye around 2 a.m. Only to be rudely awakened by the talk show resuming at 6 a.m.!
Sauna torture
I desperately needed a sauna or a combination of a sauna and a refreshing swim, so I went to the pool area.
Signs all over the place demanded that I place the towel they gave me on the sauna seat.
I need to use that to dry myself. I do not want to put it on a seat that someone else has sat on.
As I entered the sauna, there was another significant sign that said.
“Dry yourself before you enter.”
Ah, suddenly, it all clicked into place.
Stepping into the sauna, I was met with a bewildering sight — thousands of interrogation heat lamps, or at least it felt like thousands, were scattered everywhere.
They peered at me from all directions.
Above my head, under the seats, lurking behind every corner — just a relentless sea of heat.
It resembled a sinister torture chamber, and my imagination ran wild with the fear of being electrocuted.
The atmosphere offered no solace, just the relentless, bone-dry heat exuding from these ominous heat lamps.
I was utterly befuddled. Was it a sauna, sinister torture chamber, wellness oasis, or interrogation room?
I clenched my hands tightly by my sides, terrorized by the idea that even the slightest touch would turn me into a crispy critter.
I was scorching hot but strangely not sweating — trapped in this stifling heat.
I did not want to sit down for fear of being taken from this earth!
I stand at 5'5", and it felt like the ceiling was bearing down on me, urging me to sit down. But I had no intention of becoming a part of this bizarre experiment.
With haste, I bolted out of that sauna, determined not to become the victim of torture and frazzled!
Talk about a close encounter!
Ultimately, I decided to ditch the sauna dreams and consider a quick dip in the pool.
However, the pool was cold and seemed to have taken on a new shade of “interesting” that I wasn’t eager to explore.
So, I chose the sensible route, took a refreshing shower, got dressed, and bid farewell to my less-than-ideal accommodation.
Goodbye
When asked by the receptionist about my stay, I smiled and replied, “It was good, thank you!”
Ah, the art of white lies.
What else could I say?
Your room has a distinct aroma of Eau de Urine, your excessive signs about valuables spooked us all, your sauna has a secret mission to electrocute unsuspecting guests, your pool could do with a good clean, and the bedroom curtains appear to have been used for a very alternative purpose! Plus, your waitress has no manners, and you are the only restaurant in the entire UK with no bloody bread — well, none for me — unless I have soup!
No, it’s better to leave gracefully and keep those utterances to myself!
I hope you had a fabulous weekend; this one was eventful but still lovely!
Jan Sebastian 🖐👩🦰 The LARO ✨✨ Johnny Poitras Ashllyn T. Dana Sweet Honeylu Imothoughts Lynn L. Alexander Willow Reed Britt H. Leonora watkins LaurenJane