Summary

The web content describes a heated argument between two friends, Brad and Jim, over the realities of living with HIV/AIDS and the emotional toll it takes on individuals, particularly on Brad, who is struggling with the fear of death and the loss of friends to the disease.

Abstract

The narrative captures a moment of intense confrontation between Brad and Jim, two friends affected by the AIDS epidemic. Brad, who is HIV-positive, is overwhelmed with the anticipatory grief of losing friends to AIDS and the fear of his own impending death. Jim, on the other hand, seems to be in denial, which Brad perceives as a lack of empathy and understanding. The dialogue reveals Brad's desperation and his need to confront the reality of his situation, leading him to make bold choices, such as intentionally seeking HIV infection to align with the fate of his friends. The story underscores the emotional complexities of living with HIV/AIDS, the impact of the epidemic on personal relationships, and the diverse coping mechanisms individuals adopt in the face of a terminal illness.

Opinions

Brad is deeply affected by the loss of friends to AIDS and is terrified of his own mortality, feeling that he is constantly awaiting death.
Jim is seen as being in denial about the severity of the AIDS crisis and its impact on their community, which frustrates Brad immensely.
Brad believes that Jim's denial is a coping mechanism that allows him to function and support others, but it's a luxury Brad feels he cannot afford.
Brad admits to intentionally engaging in unprotected sex to contract HIV, driven by a desire to share the same fate as his dying friends and to end the uncertainty of his health status.
The author suggests that there is a spectrum of experiences with HIV/AIDS, from rapid progression to AIDS to long-term non-progression, and highlights the struggle of those who fight to stay alive against the odds.
Brad resents the idea that he is not afraid of death, emphasizing that he is indeed terrified and that his actions were born out of a need to control his narrative in the face of the epidemic.
The author, James Finn, positions himself as a chronicler of Brad's story, implying that it is a narrative that might otherwise be forgotten, and invites reader engagement through further story exploration and communication.

Brad and AIDS, Brad and Friends

Portrait of a man, dying

When Jim called me stupid, I spit my gum out. “Fuck that! And fuck you! What do you expect me to do? Sit around and wait for everybody to die? Fuck that!”

Jim stood up on his tip toes and spit right back at me. “Everybody is NOT going to die. Stop being such a hissy queen!”

“Hissy queen, my ass! Stop pretending you’re better than me because you were a soldier and can act straight whenever you want to.”

“What the FUCK are you talking about?”

I tried to lower my voice. “What the fuck you THINK I’m talkin about?”

I tried to look into the statue’s eyes instead of Jim’s. “It doesn’t matter. All I know is, David is gonna die. Greg is gonna die. Herman is gonna die. Luke already died even though I loved him so much it hurt me just to look at him. I’m not waitin around, man. I’m fucking NOT!”

“I’m sorry.”

“No! You are NOT sorry! You think I can’t see your eyes? Closed! You think I can't look up and SEE? You teach classes every day to people who give nicknames to each of the fucking 12 T cells they have left. You pretend they can get jobs and live a fucking life. And you know what? You’re an idiot!”

“That’s not true!”

“Fuck you!”

I took a few steps back and tried to catch my breath. I tried to let my love show. “I’m sorry. I know you’re doing your best. But denial isn’t magic for me like it is for you. I can’t stop seeing. I can’t turn the world off like you can. I can’t live in the fairytale where you live. I’m all out of Tinkerbell pixie dust.”

Our blowup in that private park beside that white statue got ugly.

Jim always acted like he was my big brother or somethin. Like he knew better than I knew. Just because he was a few years older and went to college. He was full of shit. I don’t mean that in a bad way. I mean it was just … true.

Hell, Lenny’s dying right now. And Jim ignores every little bit of that. Does NOT see it. Will NOT hear it. Will NOT talk about it. How do you think that makes Lenny feel?

Maybe that’s Jim’s way of staying sane. I dunno. I don’t care. But that night in that park beside that fake Greek statue, I was over it. I told Jim every little bit of the truth.

I fucked Greg because I was tired of waiting for the sword to fall on my head and kill me. I wanted HIV. I craved HIV. I needed to KNOW. I WANTED to be in the same boat that killed almost all my friends … I was sure being like Jim was wrong.

Ever hear of rapid progression to AIDS?

Me neither. I know it usually takes like 8 or 10 years to get as sick as Luke.Which means he was kid when… Never mind.

I know some people don’t get sick at all. Like their T cells stay normal even though they have HIV.

I know some people fight hard.

Even when their T cells drop really low, they do everything they know to stay alive. Take every medicine. Read all the right magazines. Eat all the right foods. If they have the money.

I don’t wanna die.

Sound stupid? Given what I did? Jim rolls his eyes when I say that. Only it’s true! The idea of forever nothingness scares the piss out of me. I’m 25 years old. I won’t live to be 26. I’ve been HIV positive for most of my fucking adult like. I’m gonna die so soon I wake up each morning shaking with fear.

I’m so scared I can’t stand it, no matter if Jim believes it, no matter if you believe it.

Oh, and Greg?

That was none a Jim’s business.

Me and Gred are both dying. He says he hates me because I used him.

My mom’s dying too. Am I supposed to blame HIV that she’s a drunk?

Fuck AIDS.

What you just read actually happened.

I’m telling Brad’s story because I am probably the only person left in the universe who knows it.

Next chapter →

Brad, HIV, and Headless Goblins

Portrait of a man, galloping

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← Click below to read earlier chapters about Luke, Brad, how Brad got kicked out of the house when he was only 17, and how Luke died.

Brad’s Story

Chapter links and introduction

medium.com

¹ Dark Side Of The Moon lyrics, © Universal Music Publishing Group. Songwriters: Clare Torry, David Gilmour, Nick Mason, Richard Wright & Roger Waters

James Finn is a long-time HIV/LGBTQ activist, an alumnus of Act Up NYC, an essayist occasionally published in queer news outlets, and an “agented” novelist. Send questions, comments, and story ideas to [email protected].