Humor | Satire

Boys Will Be Boys, But Girls Rule

Who Will Claim The Illumination Throne?

I started what has turned into an endless day in my office with reading this challenge from Trent Swanson. At the time of reading, I did not have the first clue who he was. He wrote.

I invite the following authors write a proclamation to be one of my advisers, if you wish. Or a declaration against my claim to the throne, if you must.

Viktor Marchev, Noah Levy, Susannah MacKinnie, Harsh D. Singh, MSc.

That was me, Susannah MacKinnie, invitee.

Disclaimer

I give fair warning. I cannot tell this story in a spiffy, eye-catching, attention-grabbing five hundred words or fewer.

I’m committing my time and effort. If you want to follow the twists and turns and learn the rest of the story, you have to invest time and effort, too. This story is long.

It begins with Charles Roast.

The Proposal/Charles Roast

As with many things that ultimately wreak havoc, it starts with a good intention, an unselfish desire to support us, the quiet people on Medium, the lost souls who have yet to find their writing voice.

Charles Roast wants to help those on Medium who read rather than write.

I am one of them, though I publish a few poems, make a few comments. Like them, I wander through Medium, satisfied to peruse others’ contributions. We like to read. We do not chomp at the bit, stomping like thoroughbreds in the starting gate, scanning hurriedly through others’ works, hoping they will read ours in return. Though we may dream deep within, we are not impatient cocooned butterflies waiting to burst forth into the dazzling light and glory of celebrated authorship.

Charles Roast is a splendid fellow. Charles just wants to be helpful. Perhaps he has been on a light browse through Man and Superman and finds this.

He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches. George Bernard Shaw

Inspired, he ponders this variation.

“He who can, writes. He who cannot, reads.”

He thinks,

“I can help the readers become writers.”

Then, like that other champion of the underdog, Jonathan Swift, Charles makes his modest proposal. He posts this story, Why You Should Randomly Tag Some of Your Quieter Followers With a Prompt.

“I thought it would be interesting for us to randomly choose from our own followers, or the list of ILLUMINATION followers, just five names and ask them to write an article.”

“And with ILLUMINATION, we know they will get published, read, clapped and commented on. What better encouragement for someone to throw the covers off their heads, get out of bed, and write! You cannot be a writer if you do not write. And ILLUMINATION is the best spot because it is safe and friendly and supportive.”

Doesn’t that sound kind and well-intentioned? He wants to help us poor timid souls take baby steps and venture forth into the writing world.

And if he spends a considerable amount of verbiage extolling his virtues and proclaiming his unmatched prowess, I am sure that is just to maintain the readers’ interest.

My grandmother, who had a sharp eye and a tart tongue, would have said that Charles Roast is one who likes to stir the pot.

I am kinder, seeing him as good-humored and well-meaning. Instigators make life enjoyable. Who needs peace, calm, and smooth communication? I am sure that Charles has nothing but kindness and concern for others when he tosses out his suggestion, leans back, and waits to see what will happen.

The First Response/Rasheed Hooda

I think Charles Roast must be happy. He has caught his first fish. Someone has responded to his ploy. It is Rasheed Hooda. I look him up. But wait. This can’t be the right person.

Rasheed Hooda is not a quiet reader with nary an article to his name. He is a popular, prolific writer, influential on the Illumination publication. Perhaps Rasheed wants to add his encouragement to get things started and help us shy daisies turn our heads to the sun.

I am hopeful once more. I read on, sure that I will see the magical incantation that will break the spell of unproductive isolation and let me enter the hallowed kingdom of participatory Medium writers. Rasheed begins his story, What Happens When You Are The Best Of The Best.

You’re going to get it, Chuckie Boy!

You’re toast! Or is it roast?

Perhaps the encouragement for the hopeful readers, silently waiting to come forth into the realm of writerdom, is later in the story, but, for now, I am visualizing “Who’s King of the Mountain?” instead of Mister Rogers. Rasheed continues.

“First, I will tag every new writer whom Dr Mehmetyildiz mentions in his daily posts and tattle on you, and warn them not to laugh at any of your stories; it will be a disaster for their career on Illumination if they did.”

My first thought is that General Patton would not have advised to broadcast a plan of attack to the wide world, but perhaps this is a roundabout way to get to the valuable advice part. Rasheed has more to offer.

Oh, I almost forgot. From now on, I am going to tag every story and response I write with humor just to mess with the algorithms to make sure I get on the Top Writers list for humor. What do you think of that, huh?

I may be slow in the uptake, but this sounds like a strategy for achieving personal ascendance rather than “Five Simple Ways For New Writers To Feel Motivated To Write On Medium.”

I must be wrong. This gloating challenge is a momentary sidetrack. Rasheed Hooda is an author constantly mentioned by others as a mentor and an inspiration. He is about to offer gentle words of wisdom on how we reluctant ones can gather our resolve and dare to put pen to paper, any moment now.

Here we are.

Now, I pass the gauntlet over to conny manero, Abha Choudhary, Douglas Ervin, Hank Edson, and Zach J. Watson. Honorable mention: Desiree Driesenaar who wants to be entertaining, not boring.

Okay, let me get this straight. Helpful advice is naming more unprolific people. And when I check them out, these people are not unproductive. They write wonderful articles. I don’t want this to be an elaborate shell game.

I suddenly realize that I have misunderstood his method. It is not a trick. He is using reverse psychology. Being called out puts you on the spot and makes you want to put yourself out there as a writer. Okay, I’ll accept that. It usually works on me.

He Has A Fierce Beginning But Ends Up In “Puff The Magic Dragon” Territory /Timothy Key

In Lord, It Is Hard to Be Humble — For Other People; I Hear, Timothy Key starts with manly chest-thumping and declarations of utter superiority, a straightforward display of male supremacy that bodes well for a potential kingship. He is on the way to toppling the King or the usurper, though I am a little unsure just who is in which role.

Nevertheless, Timothy is on his way to the top, when he suddenly takes a winsome, appealing detour to the land of unicorns and narwhals. Then, obviously under the influence of these magical creatures, he starts saying nice things about everyone: Rasheed, Chuck, Illumination, and random followers.

He follows that with,

That is why I think Chuck’s suggestion to pull some more people into the fray and make sure they know they are welcome to engage is such an awesome idea!

I realize his cause is hopeless. He is too sweet a man for the role of King.

I Am King-Admiral/ T.Mark Mangum

When yet another contender, T. Mark Mangum, writes his story, Who shall be King?, you have the feeling he is already sure of the answer to the question.

How can it be anyone but him? Just look at this sentence.

His proclamations, announcements, and issuances would be such bloviations, fabrications, and wrongful interpretations.

Poor King Charles of Roast. T. Mark has vanquished his opponent with a single blow.

As he continues, our ears hear the glory of his alliteration, and our eyes see the splendor of his adjectives. His florid prose, like Bilbo’s road, goes ever on and on and sweeps all before it. Gone is the prancing, peacocky Sir Timothy. Vanquished is The Earl of Hooda.

The defeated three watch him in despair, as the multitudes gather and the crowds cheer. And if there is a certain lack of coherence and the details are a little shaky, and the specifications are a bit vague, well, it still sounds splendid, doesn’t it? That is what counts.

He surveys his kingdom, and it is good.

He will be invincible in word to word battle. His resources are endless, and he employs them well. If he is to be dethroned, a different approach will have to be taken.

He Flings The Gauntlet At My Feet/Trent Swanson

Someone has mentioned me. How nice. I have met some congenial people over the last few days.

Wait! Is that my name at the top of the page?

Who is this person? Trent Swanson

Why is he picking on me? Surely the wretched AI algorithm has not ignored my existence for weeks, only to point me out now to the one person, out of millions who visit this site, who wants to put me on the spot.

Now I remember. Maybe I am not an AI selected victim. Trent Swanson wrote that interesting article on Dragon Mythology: East vs West. Did I clap? Why did I do that?

I should not be called out just because I loved Anne McCaffrey and The Dragons of Pern when I was a kid. I still like dragons, despite Game of Thrones. Maybe I can blame this on George R.R. Martin.

Let me check out this Trent Swanson’s profile.

Oh, no! He wrote The Deep Meaning of Yin and Yang and How To Enjoy Learning. I clapped for them too. I have brought this on myself.

He seemed so nice, writing on such interesting subjects.

I better read this Claiming The Throne of ILLUMINATION. Surely, he doesn’t mention me again.

Oh, I see. This story is connected to Charles Roast. I might have known. He wanted to be helpful. Now I am caught by one of those ripples in the water, six degrees of separation, “tag, you’re it” things.

I knew there were layering responses to Charles’ story, but I did not expect the expanding web to trap me.

As far as I can tell, Trent Swanson’s case for being King is that he can keep his mouth shut. In these days of bloviation and bluster, being reserved is an excellent thing.

It provides a contrast with T. Mark Mangrum, another contender, who has a lot to say and, as previously noted, says it at notable length. That is an excellent thing in the right setting, say a site like Medium. I understand that lengthy engagement is a desirable thing these days. I like T. Mark’s expansive vocabulary. See, I borrowed bloviation from him.

But, getting back to Trent Swanson, I am not sure being taciturn is enough to make you a worthy leader.

If I can remember that far back, the original purpose of this “hand off the baton” game was to get people not to be quiet. The objective was in Charles’ immortal words,

encouragement for someone to throw the covers off their heads, get out of bed, and write!

So perhaps, despite his self-congratulatory proclamation, Trent Swanson is not the right choice.

Passing The Buck/Susannah MacKinnie

I think a woman should be in charge. A woman can be both queen and the advocate who encourages shy new writers. Unlike a man, who is compelled to spend time and effort on the care of his ego and competition with other men, a woman can rule with one hand tied behind her back while dancing backward in high heels and riding a bicycle like a fish. Or something like that. It has been a long day.

‘Any woman who understands the problems of running a home will be nearer to understanding the problems of running a country.’ _____Margaret Thatcher

“After all, Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did. She just did it backwards and in high heels.” ____Ann Richards

“a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle,” ______ Irina Dunn

I can see the men waiting to pounce, like my tomcat poised at the mouth of the voles’ tunnel. Aha, they think. She wants to rule.

Unsurprisingly, they are mistaken. I do not want to rule. A woman knows her strengths and her limitations. I am new to Medium, inexperienced as a writer, and ignorant of the formatting, tags, and protocols peculiar to this site. I struggled all day to write this single post, and I am sure some reference attributions have gone awry. I had planned to spend the day in my garden instead of my office.

But here I am.

I nominate Alison Tennent for the Illumination throne. She is experienced, wise, and familiar with the denizens of Illumination. She will be careful, kind, helpful, and unselfish, as all good writers and rulers should be. Please give her careful consideration.

I am heading to my garden bench to reflect on this strange day. Perhaps the frogs will offer comfort and insight.

I almost forgot the dreaded tagging. I do not like putting someone else on the spot. I will try to select tolerant people who will not mind too much and who are obviously comfortable in their writing. Hopefully, Charles Roast will not morph into a tyrannical inspector and rap my knuckles for transgressing.

Dr John Rose, Harley King, Terry Mansfield, Erin King, Alex Kilcannon