Boys Don’t Like Girls, and They Never Did

This is what happens when you say no to a boy.

He’s all smiles. Compliments you on your shoes, bag or the colour you are wearing. He says he thinks you are very clever. You say you are flattered -secretly, you are not because he is stating the truth.

You make small chit-chat for a few more minutes. You are starting to like this guy. Romantically or otherwise. He seems like a good person. You are slowly starting to let your guard down.

He keeps smiling. His charm is entirely on.

Then you go and spoil it.

‘No’

No, you do not want his number. No, you will only take on extra work with credit and pay. No, No. No.

The smile evaporates. He is starting to look annoyed. You hastily add ‘Thank you’. That’s softer, right? Less chance of a backlash. Now he’s trying to convince you with underhanded tactics. He is pushy. He tries to make up analogies that make no sense. You stand your ground, but he is no longer Mr. Nice Guy. He’s the Real Like-He-Is Guy.

When did you last experience a variation of this scenario? I, today in a conversation with my boss. When I told him that if he wanted me to do extra work, I expected it to be part of my job.

I refused to give a blanket yes to anything he had planned. I refused to do somebody else’s job. Then I came home and checked with my partner that I was right. I hate myself for doing it. Having to check. I might even ask Reddit later.

My boss has been around for a while. He knows well how to hide his emotions. Yet I could tell that he was annoyed.

I’ve noticed this a lot. Men say they like women, but they do not. Not really.

In my industry, there is a drive to get women in. I believe it’s because many men realised that they are great workhorses. Women come up with ideas for men to present.

They do the work, enforce rules and keep departments running. While assumed to be grateful for the opportunity. Men get the promotions and women the ‘thank-you’s-better-luck-next-year’.

Last year I made a change. I refused to help others to do their job. I also called them out when they take my ideas and try to pass them on as their own. I do not tolerate any variation of emotional labour or fall for weaponised incompetence.

Basically, I try to act like a man. The change towards me is stark. Most men treat me like I am nothing. Talk over me. Exclude me from the meeting, emails, and conversations. To be clear- I still do my job. I just don’t give them ideas they could ‘borrow’.

A story broke today that a Metropolitan Police offer has been suspended. This man admitted to 49 sex assaults, including 24 rapes over 18 years. Some women came forward years ago.

I’m guessing the police filled it under the who-gives-a-shit pile. But now he can be dismissed. Apparently, before, it was just too hard. And here we all are, afraid of being fired from our jobs by the overlords.

Only two years ago, another serving police officer was jailed for murdering Sarah Everard. He abducted, raped and murdered her. He was linked to prior indecent exposure in public. That must have been filed under the eat-my-shorts pile.

Female police officers have come forward saying their colleagues have assaulted them. Not one or two. By some estimates, a vast majority.

According to Femicide Consensus, one woman is killed by a man every three days in the UK. They track violence against women, so they should know.

One every three days. I wonder how large the actual statistic is.

I hear stories from my friends of children being used to manipulate their parents. By the same men who claim to love mummy.

What do I conclude from the above?

Most men do not like women. Not really. They never did — the crimes have been going on for years even if we hear about them now. It’s not getting worse or better. It’s always been bad. It's just the optics that are different.

Many men do not like anyone. They pass their time on things like football or rugby. They are too afraid of the backlash to touch men, but they would if they could.

Others are taking advantage of the situation. Be it at work. Or at home when expecting the wife to do emotional labour. When they use weaponised incompetence so that they can be lazy.

Would you treat someone you like that way? I know I would not.

So what do I plan to do with this knowledge? I don't know yet, but it is helpful when saying ‘no’. Somehow liberating. If they don't like me anyway, maybe I should stop worrying about what they think.

Thanks for reading. Let me know your thoughts!