Boys and Body Image

What my son taught me about using the “F” word

I used to use the other “F” word — Fat, around my sons to describe myself negatively.

I would say it often until my oldest son one day asked me if he was fat too, obviously distraught at the idea of it. I told him no, of course not. But the damage had already been done. He became obsessed with his body and size for a few weeks, asking me if he was fat, why he was bigger than other kids in his class, and stating that he didn’t like certain parts of his body. At age 7 he told me that he hated his thighs because they were too big. It was a wake-up call for me, one that I didn’t even realize I needed so badly.

Growing up I saw women close to me obsessed with their weight. They ate healthily and exercised but the number on the scale was what they agonized over and prayed to God about nightly. It didn’t take long for me to realize that my body looked almost exactly like theirs, so consequently, there must be something wrong with mine as well. I remember very vividly doing the “Atkins’ Diet” when it was at the height of its popularity. I wasn’t quite a teenager, but I did understand that in my small world, being “fat” was the ultimate sin.

As I moved through high school and college, I developed harmful binge eating habits. To this day I am still struggling to find a healthy relationship with both food and my body image. I had a distorted notion that my weight and looks directly reflected my value for a long time. Even up until recently, I would avoid buying clothes for myself if they were not a single-digit size, terrified that my husband might see and judge me, even though he knew absolutely nothing about women’s clothing sizes and could also not care any less what size I wore.

I didn’t realize that such a large majority of girls and women today went through body image issues and the extreme pressure of diet culture until I was an adult. But I was still very naïve to the fact that this issue affects boys as well. I was usually intentionally careful about what I said about food or my weight in front of my younger sisters, but for me, it just didn’t register that my sons were just as susceptible to my negative thoughts and comments.

So why is it that we often talk about how we should portray body image to our daughters, but not to our sons? In my experience, this current trend of discussing “body positivity” and being inclusive of all sizes is directly followed by “girl power” talk. This is of course crucial but it’s incorrect to think of this as a women’s only issue.

At just 7, my son was concerned about how he looked because of the comments I made about my own body in front of him. The body that made him and cared for him. I now tell him more often the things that I like about his appearance-how he is tall like his daddy, how he has strong thighs so he can run fast when he plays basketball. I build him up and compliment him. I tell him that every person’s body is different. That our bodies are made to fit us, and we should focus more on eating healthy and staying active and less on how we look.

I no longer call myself fat around my sons. But I also no longer believe that being “fat” is a negative character trait. I’ve found better things to spend my time and energy on instead of being fixated on my clothing size. When my youngest tells me that my belly is “so squishy now” I just smile and laugh.

I am learning to encourage my sons to make good and healthy choices for their bodies and to not compare themselves to other people. It was a lesson that I wished I had learned sooner, though.

In the US, eating disorders affect 10 million boys and men at some point during their life, says the National Eating Disorders Association. Boys and men account for 1 in 3 people in the US with an eating disorder, especially high for those who are male athletes.

My goal for my sons is to help create a healthy outlook on food, weight, and appearance. I may have struggled with my relationship with food since I was a pre-teen, but I am going to try to steer them towards a different mindset. No weighing myself on a bathroom scale or talking about not being able to eat certain things in order to lose weight; just simply more healthy choices, getting outside and moving, and focusing on the things that I like about my appearance and frankly, on things that are important in this short life.