Boxing Day

Day-after-Christmas fisticuffs

What is the true meaning of Boxing Day?

As an American, I always assumed it had something to do with hockey fights or soccer riots. It turns out the real reason for the season is to commemorate the time Baby Jesus knocked out Mohammad Ali in the seventh round of their title match at Madison Square Garden to become the undisputed heavyweight boxing champion.

It was a seesaw battle, but in the end, Ali’s ability to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee was not enough to overcome Baby Jesus’s ability to cure blindness and rise from the dead.

Baby Jesus was knocked to the mat 16 times, but the Son of Man refused to stay down. When he got up that last time, looked up to the heavens and said “Forgive my opponent, for he knows not what he does,” you knew the match was all but over.

Time stood still as our Lord and Savior ducked Ali’s last desperate attempt at a haymaker and countered with a wind-up corkscrew punch that landed right between the defending champ's eyes, dropping him like a sack of pianos.

After the ten count, Baby Jesus wrapped himself in an American flag before grabbing the mic from the announcer and giving Rocky’s speech from the end of Rocky IV. This was very confusing for the fans at MSG because they weren’t Russian.

That’s when everyone realized Baby Jesus had a severe concussion.

From that day forward, he could no longer turn water into wine, instead turning it into dog piss whenever he tried. The 12 apostles, not wanting to hurt his feelings, would simply guzzle it down and smile.

This is why Americans celebrate Boxing Day by toasting with a tall glass of dog piss. It’s the best!

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