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Abstract

o: ‘Never date a woman who disliked a cream filling’. Only Burger Bashing Belinda fell into this category. He couldn’t comprehend anybody going through life not loving a single biscuit.Theo’s choice of biscuit was the Bourbon.Here was a biscuit rich in history. It was the first biscuit consumed on the moon. Edwin Aldrin, a lover of crunch and chocolate, was said to be smitten with the Bourbon. While Armstrong was making himself busy with the first small step, Aldrin was making biscuit history with the first small bite.Bourbon.A chocolate butter-creamed filled delight held together by two chocolate biscuits. It’s a solid tea companion, dunk-worthy, smooth and with an audible crunch. The name whispers seductively in French with ten holes punched through to let off steam during the baking. The name alone talks volumes. Like an aristocratic high tea with buxom gentry daintily laughing as they scoff the chocolate delight.The Bourbon was a derivative of the Creola biscuit first presented in 1910.One war later, genius unemployable German scientists recovering from the war, mostly ended up working in the food trade. One such man was Dr. Hans Zehnloch, lover of biscuit dunking and follower of the House of Bourbon.Zenloch adapted the Creole biscuit, trademarking a new design that included ten holes. Zenloch literally translates as ‘ten holes’. Who said scientists lacked imagination? He also called it Bourbon, a contraction of Bourneville (where it was invented) and

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Bonn (his hometown). By 1963 Bourbonn Creams had morphed into Bourbon and the world rejoiced in its simplicity.All his life, Zenloch wondered about his name. What was his purpose? Why was his family called ten holes and not nine or five or even one? Nobody in his family could recall how they first became a unit of ten holes. His great-aunt was said to perform magic tricks using four holes and a wooden hammer.But Zenloch’s name became synonymous with the Bourbon biscuit. He had found a purpose.And so it came to pass, high on weed in a dingy student flat, south of London, the biscuit bathing challenge of 1998 was born.It takes considerable effort for stoners to be motivated. It takes even more effort to recruit like-minded individuals with science degrees to construct a bath using nothing more than cream butter and bourbon biscuits. This was Theo’s last hurrah after graduation and before his friends entered the world of adulting and corporate life.I have been sworn to secrecy regarding the rules of competition, but I can honestly declare, Theo was the first Bourbon Biscuit Bathing Heavyweight Champion.He would go on to marry Cream Cracker Kate, a match made in biscuit heaven. Five short years later they both died tragically. In an elaborate recreation of a witch-dunking ceremony, Theo and his wife drowned after the dunking mechanism failed to rise.It was a fitting end to a man who loved nothing more than to dunk a Bourbon or two.</article></body>

Bourbon Biscuit Bathing and the Art of Rating Women as Biscuits

The truth lies somewhere in between.

Theo always loved biscuits. It didn’t matter what type they were. The shapes and choice of wafers had him intrigued. With fillings held together by two halves or the way a biscuit would crumble, each shard delicately separating in the mouth. Theo loved everything about biscuits.

And the choice…oh my…so much choice. You can tell a lot about a person by their choice of biscuit.

Theo once dated a woman named Sarah who enjoyed dunking McVities Rich Tea. She said they wouldn’t be called Rich Tea if they couldn’t be dunked into the beverage. The biscuit would rapidly dissolve into bland shapes circulating upon the liquid before sinking to the bottom. When the cup was emptied, this sodden state of mush was indigestible to Theo’s tastes. Much like Sarah.

Sarah was the fifth in a long line of forgettable girlfriends whom Theo could recall only by their biscuit sobriquet. Snowball, Wagon Wheel, and the fruity Fig Roller had Theo questioning his choice of women.

So obsessed he became with the dubious connection of woman and biscuit, it was a litmus test for all future dates. Love isn’t complicated if you share the same taste in biscuits. His motto: ‘Never date a woman who disliked a cream filling’. Only Burger Bashing Belinda fell into this category. He couldn’t comprehend anybody going through life not loving a single biscuit.

Theo’s choice of biscuit was the Bourbon.

Here was a biscuit rich in history. It was the first biscuit consumed on the moon. Edwin Aldrin, a lover of crunch and chocolate, was said to be smitten with the Bourbon. While Armstrong was making himself busy with the first small step, Aldrin was making biscuit history with the first small bite.

Bourbon.

A chocolate butter-creamed filled delight held together by two chocolate biscuits. It’s a solid tea companion, dunk-worthy, smooth and with an audible crunch. The name whispers seductively in French with ten holes punched through to let off steam during the baking. The name alone talks volumes. Like an aristocratic high tea with buxom gentry daintily laughing as they scoff the chocolate delight.

The Bourbon was a derivative of the Creola biscuit first presented in 1910.

One war later, genius unemployable German scientists recovering from the war, mostly ended up working in the food trade. One such man was Dr. Hans Zehnloch, lover of biscuit dunking and follower of the House of Bourbon.

Zenloch adapted the Creole biscuit, trademarking a new design that included ten holes. Zenloch literally translates as ‘ten holes’. Who said scientists lacked imagination? He also called it Bourbon, a contraction of Bourneville (where it was invented) and Bonn (his hometown). By 1963 Bourbonn Creams had morphed into Bourbon and the world rejoiced in its simplicity.

All his life, Zenloch wondered about his name. What was his purpose? Why was his family called ten holes and not nine or five or even one? Nobody in his family could recall how they first became a unit of ten holes. His great-aunt was said to perform magic tricks using four holes and a wooden hammer.

But Zenloch’s name became synonymous with the Bourbon biscuit. He had found a purpose.

And so it came to pass, high on weed in a dingy student flat, south of London, the biscuit bathing challenge of 1998 was born.

It takes considerable effort for stoners to be motivated. It takes even more effort to recruit like-minded individuals with science degrees to construct a bath using nothing more than cream butter and bourbon biscuits. This was Theo’s last hurrah after graduation and before his friends entered the world of adulting and corporate life.

I have been sworn to secrecy regarding the rules of competition, but I can honestly declare, Theo was the first Bourbon Biscuit Bathing Heavyweight Champion.

He would go on to marry Cream Cracker Kate, a match made in biscuit heaven. Five short years later they both died tragically. In an elaborate recreation of a witch-dunking ceremony, Theo and his wife drowned after the dunking mechanism failed to rise.

It was a fitting end to a man who loved nothing more than to dunk a Bourbon or two.