Know Where the Boundaries Are to Say the Right Things

Learning and defining boundaries could help us establishing healthier relationships

Photo: Bun Lee, a flavoured artist in music, photos, and videos.

Do you know where the boundaries are? To behave appropriately, it is crucial to understand where the boundaries are. To protect your space, it is crucial to know how and when to draw a line.

I am not saying we have to draw a hard line, and I acknowledge that boundaries are hard to define sometimes — it varies among countries, cultures, groups and even individuals.

Just ask yourself if you feel violated in a situation. If you felt violated or mistreated, the chances that someone is crossing the line and pushing your boundaries are high.

“Good fences make good neighbours,” the old saying is so true. Having a fence around what you think they are private matters helps us establishing a happy and healthy life.

By the same token, we should be careful about what we say or ask others. If we are reluctant about it, we may sound rude or judgmental. That would make people around us uncomfortable. Learn people’s boundaries, respecting their spaces, knowing when to stop are elements in building healthy relationships with people.

Examples

I have personally encountered or witnessed many situations where I think people were beyond rude when expressing their opinions and asking insulting questions.

“Did you gain weight? Your face is round lately” I saw someone posted this on a pretty girl’s FB.

“Hey Vivian, how old are you?” a few readers asked me this via private messages. I haven’t even met them in person. We are barely friends.

“Charles, congratulations! So how many times did you get married by now?” a friend of mine got married recently, and his friend asked him this while giving her blessings.

“Hey, Jennifer, what is your previous job experience?” a colleague of mine asked a new member on her first day of work in front of everyone during lunch. This person totally put this new member, Jennifer, at a spot; he was grilling her like interviewing her for a job. And the thing is, Jennifer doesn’t report to him, and the conversation was not even friendly.

“Peter, don’t go on the trip to Europe; you will be spending a lot of money.” I heard this during a gathering with friends. The funny thing is, this person knows nothing about Peter’s financial situation nor how he planned on the trip, and the way he said it sounded like he owns Peter.

Many of the incidents above followed with an explanation — I am only saying this because I care about you.

I don’t buy this explanation at all. I want to tell them you have crossed the line, and you don’t know how to respect others’ boundaries. Those comments and questions sounded disrespectful, ignorant and rude.

You don’t ask questions or make comments that embarrass others. Some of the questions are too private to ask. People really should know their place before they open their mouths.

Say No to Draw the Line

The most straightforward way to handle situations when you feel people are stepping into your boundaries is to put your foot down and say no to these comments and questions. That is, drawing a line right away.

“Thank you for your concern, but I don’t think we need to talk about this.” you can respectfully say this.

It may not be easy for some people to say no. But practice will make it easier.

Alternatively, if saying no to someone’s face is too hard for you, you can also ignore those questions and switch a topic. Remember, you are not obligated to answer those questions.

Most people would get it when you switched a topic. They would notice you are telling them about your boundaries. Some obsessed ones won’t get it; I have experienced those people too. When that happened, I started throwing questions at them. Keep them busy by telling their own stories, not necessarily with nasty or private questions, just common questions. Trust me; this usually would work.

By saying no to those questions and comments, you draw lines with people who haven’t learned it yet. You are telling them what are the areas that you feel private and not willing to talk. If you don’t do this, it is hard for people around you to learn where your boundaries are.

Without knowing where your boundaries are, it is easy for people to step into your private zones. Listen to your inner voices. If you feel uncomfortable, you have to trust your feelings. And you have to express it to let people know.

Test Yourself First — Put Yourself in Their Shoes

So how to avoid the possibility of being rude and say the wrong things that offend people’s boundaries?

First, I think you can start by putting yourself in their shoes. Run a little test, ask yourself if you feel comfortable if people ask you the same questions or make those comments. If you are not comfortable answering those questions, receiving those comments, I bet your friends or colleagues don’t feel good when you try those on them.

A second question to ask yourself: is this really your business? If not, I think those comments or questions you tempt to make can stay with yourself. No one needs to know.

Third, I think it is important to know when to stop. If your friend did not want to answer a question, they might be telling you that lies within their private zones. Stop asking it further.

We should always think of if those questions or comments are in the private territory of a person. If so, stay clear away from it.

Age, weight, relationship, marriage, or salary for sure are topics that fall in the private territories of a person. It seems so trivial, right? But I am sure we have all encountered some people who think they have the right to pry into those areas. When this happened, be sure to draw a line to remind them to respect your boundaries.

I am not saying we can never talk about private matters with people. But I believe when people are comfortable telling it, they would. Hence, I don’t ask. I took a more passive approach with those areas to respect others’ boundaries. My friends can talk to me about their private matters, but I don’t ask questions nor make comments unless they asked me to.

Like I mentioned earlier, boundaries are hard to define sometimes, and everyone could be different. Besides running the little test with yourself before asking questions, I think the best way is to hold on to those questions and comments; wait until you know the person better to learn more about their lines.

Final Remark

Learning where the boundaries are could help us in having healthier relationships. Sometimes boundaries are blurry, and it is not easy to find the lines. However, that only tells us we need to practice it to be better at it.