Boundaries, why we assume and we really don’t have too…
A Leadership Spark on one thing you can do to remove assumptions
Summary: Use this simple tool to gain clarity and have a conversation about what you bring to, and need from, any relationship. Seek clarity wherever possible. Remember Clarity and Competence is the prerequisite for increased control.
There are assumptions in our workplace, in many places, but often between two people or small groups. A practice that I have recently started is to remove assumptions between people and in groups. As a leader, this is important as assumptions cause disconnects and errors. Clarity and connection are vital parts of effective partnerships, teams and groups. The concept is a conversation about the boundaries of the relationship. Essentially — what is in and what is out in any relationship; it may be marital, work, mentor/mentee, or even in groups of people working together to achieve something great.
Each person uses a two-column sheet with the headings ‘I request’ and ‘I offer’, these are completed ahead of time or at the same time (I find having time to think on it works better). Use these columns to write what it is you truly need, and what it is you are willing to offer (be specific! Don’t leave room for assumptions). Comparing this to the other person’s columns (request 1 to offer 2 and offer 1 to request 2, etc.) will identify where you are assuming something, or need something that a person is not willing to offer. Here is an example pertinent to a supervisor-worker relationship, these are specific requests and should focus on what is really important to you.
Following this comparison, the real value is talking about the disconnects between the requests and offers. What am I requesting that you are not offering, is it something really important to me? Is it something that doesn’t mean that much to you? Can you offer that in this relationship? If not, at least we both now know. Some additional information is available in this Podcast with one of my favourites Lewis Howes [Lewis Howes — School of Greatness with Chris Lee — Boundaries and how to build thriving relationships]. Being a leader takes commitment to improving your relationships.
I have personally used this framework as the foundation of my Mentor/Mentee relationships. It provides clarity on expectations, and ensures that each person is given the opportunity to be heard. Every one of my mentee’s, have agreed this is a valuable starting point. It is the foundation of a trusting relationship and establishes the boundaries of the mentoring relationship.
I also utilised it in a fear of public speaking workshop to establish the boundaries and the basis of trust in the group. The group realised that they all had common needs and requests of the group, they shared many of the same insecurities. Importantly, it created a base level of trust in the group through that shared experience. One participant noted:
“I didn’t realise that other people thought the same way and wanted the same things. It looks like the anxiety we have around public speaking is all very similar. This was really valuable”.
So, work out how to have this type of conversation within your team, take the time to ensure that all your team knows what is expected of them and that they are explicit about what they offer to the team. It is worth it. The foundation this conversation provides is valuable to all members, one mentee noted that;
“I didn’t realise that we actually wanted the same things, knowing this helps me realise that I can ask more than I thought”.
This conversation should not be rushed, but it does not need to be lengthy. You can fit this into your schedule, and the return on investment for you will be high. You cannot be a good leader without trust, and this is one way to start developing it.
Stay safe and keep smiling,
Leon.
[high-fives]
