BOUNDARIES

Creating Sanctuary in Relationships

I was excited about an upcoming trip with 2 dear friends.

But, just 2 days before my friend S’ arrival, I became triggered.

S is one of my closest friends. We live in different states and don’t see each other often physically, but connect frequently through our voices.

I’ve only been triggered by her one other time in 7 years of friendship.

That time, I’d projected on her the pain I’d felt from racism in past friendships. It led to the art journey to alchemize the lies racism imprinted upon my body.

I was so grateful for her playing the role I needed to bring up old wounds that I hadn’t been fully conscious of.

S has gone through immense change in the last year. She let go of her successful, full-time corporate career and sold the home she’s lived in for decades and where she raised her children.

We were both excited for her next stage of life, which included renting a quaint home from another friend.

I visited her to help with the move and celebrate this time of transition.

But, after a few days, something started to feel off. I was over-giving (though my friend never asked me to) and feeling depleted. My higher self told me I needed to keep the focus on myself and what was mine to do.

I realized that sometimes in my effort to help, I was actually being pushy and overbearing. I thought helping her organize and get rid of/move as much stuff as possible as quickly as possible was the support she needed.

But she wasn’t ready to move at the pace that I thought was best, which left me feeling frustrated and probably stressed her out. I felt like my good intentions and ‘help’ were unappreciated.

I realized what S actually wanted and needed was a different kind of support. I wasn’t there to be an extra moving person. I was there to be her friend.

And beyond that, I was working with her and her home at multi-dimensional levels.

I was helping co-create a container — with S’s higher self and ascended master guides — through which S. could fully receive the treasures of this home that had held her and her family for so many years.

The move wasn’t just about getting her items from one place to another.

It was about facing, digesting and integrating all the memories that the home had held, and being fully present with the feelings that arose from that reckoning.

It was about seeing the choices she’d made, what she’d surrounded herself with, the life she’d created- through new eyes.

And consciously choosing what she wanted to take with her going forward.

In fully receiving the gifts of her home, S was also able to fully feel the grief of letting go of this phase of her life and the possessions that went with it.

Only when we fully accept our past can we wholeheartedly step into our next stage of becoming.

This was very exciting for both of us to witness and experience. It echoed a process that I had organically undergone years earlier with my parents’ old house, which S had heard all about (I describe the co-creation of the “Goddess Temple on the Water” in this video…)

Through helping my friend, I realized that this “thing” that had come through for myself and my family was something I could offer to others as well.

I could work with the energies of a home to transform someone’s relationship with their life, in a very personal way that felt magical and deeply healing.

At the end of my stay, S surprised me by sending me money, as my first ‘client.’ I was delighted by this gesture and grateful for the graceful and magical way we had worked together- a template for my work going forward.

A few months later, it was time for S to move again. I was inspired to visit her again- to help with the move, but mostly to spend time together and celebrate another transition.

But, when I arrived, we both realized there was more to do than we’d imagined.

I went to bed with a sinking feeling. I wanted to help my friend. I couldn’t be in her home and not help.

But, I also had been practicing taking care of myself and prioritizing my own needs. Helping my friend the way I wanted to suddenly felt like over-giving- betraying myself. I didn’t know what to do.

I asked for guidance and Archangel Michael told me that I had to ask for money- there had to be an exchange for this to be aligned.

This was highly uncomfortable for me, but I knew it was the truth. Fortunately, when I talked to S about it the next morning, she understood. In fact, she said she’d already been planning to give me money, the way she had last time (without being asked).

Now, she is preparing for another move. Every time she has moved, I have witnessed the deepening of her trust, a greater willingness to surrender, and a lightening of her load, literally and figuratively.

It has been beautiful to witness.

I assumed that I’d be with her again for this next big move. How could I not, after this epic journey we’ve been on together?!

But, because of the boundary issues that came up during the previous visits, this time I wanted to be sure to check in with myself ahead of time.

What came through was a formal container- the way I would work with a ‘real’ client. Again, I felt slightly uncomfortable approaching S with this offer.

Because we are such good friends. I wanted to be able to say- of course I’m going to be with you during this move, and it’s going to be fun- just because we are friends.

I didn’t want her to think I needed money or any other incentive to be with her during this pivotal time.

But, I’ve also learned to trust my guidance above all else.

I knew it was important to have clear boundaries in order to preserve the integrity of our friendship.

I also remembered that creating formal containers isn’t just about me receiving a financial exchange.

The container holds a conscious mutual intention that goes beyond personal preferences. The container allows the client to fully receive the gifts that come from focused attention and clear boundaries.

And, it allows me to fully be in my role as space-holder for the client’s evolution, which sometimes requires me to behave differently than I would as ‘just’ a friend.

S replied that this container didn’t feel right to her, but that she would think about it. Perhaps a variation of smaller scope than what I’d offered.

Everything she said was perfectly acceptable and if it had been anyone else, I think I would have said, “Great, let’s keep in touch about it” and moved on.

But, I was so triggered! First, I felt bad for disappointing her. I could see she was surprised that I framed this move as a formal container, rather than just a fun road-trip.

My fear that she would see me as a bad friend, someone who couldn’t just be there for her- but had to be paid!- came alive.

Worse, I felt unappreciated and resentful. I thought, “She doesn’t realize all that I’ve done for her- all the work in the unseen realms- how I’ve been holding her through this whole process.”

I even found myself thinking “Oh, yeah? She thinks she doesn’t need me? Well, we’ll see how she fares without my help.”

Ugly thoughts. In fact, so bad (was I actually wishing that my friend would suffer without my ‘help?’), that I remembered to look deeper.

Every time I’m triggered and start having thoughts and feelings that are over the top, I know that it’s really not about what’s happening here and now.

And it’s never really about the other person.

I was shown another life in which S was my son, I was his mother. And I had sacrificed my life for him.

I held deep grief (in my throat and heart) over that unlived life- and on the surface it came out as resentment.

Suddenly, I remembered similar feelings I’d had with my mother in this life.

Sometimes, when I was impatient with my mother worrying about me, she would say in exasperation “This is why you have to become a mother. Otherwise, you’ll never know what I’m going through.”

I know my parents did not want me to feel guilty or indebted to them, but nevertheless I grew up feeling that way.

I felt the burden of their sacrifices and unmet desires.

It was like I was being given the chance, as a daughter to a mother who often sacrificed her needs for the sake of others- to see how the sacrifices I’d made in that other life for S had not truly been loving.

The sacrifices were not the loving gifts I’d thought they were. What I thought was love or help was actually controlling and dishonoring of the others’ sovereignty.

“When we’re taught to believe that love

means taking on what belongs to another…

that it’s wrong to be happy while anyone else suffers

but it’s right to usurp another’s authority

without their permission-

to occupy a foreign nation

and call it protection…

is that not invasion?”

What I truly desire for anyone — be they a beloved client, friend, or family member — is the embodiment of their absolute sovereignty as divine creative beings.

To honor the people in my life, and for me to be engaged in intimate relationships that fulfill me, I also need to own and embody my sovereign nature.

What might it look like to journey together as equals, as friends, as beloved partners- without need or duty, guilt or shame?