Bored Children, Indoor Playspaces, and the Evangelical Church

Escaping boredom without selling our souls

It’s cold today like it should be.

The sky spits a few flakes down to us before cutting it off after mere minutes, mocking us with this extremely bizarre season.

Don’t get me wrong! I don’t mind mild weather and sunny days. Even the occasional one in the winter.

But I live in Maine, damn it. And winters are supposed to be filled with snow. Not 50-degree days and rain. Save that for the spring Mother Nature!

It’s the time of year that everyone gets cabin fever. The kids long for activities and outdoor time. A place to run around and enjoy themselves. I suppose that is a perk of this year’s probably-anthropogenic-climate-change-influenced weather, we have managed a better ratio of outdoor time to boredom.

But usually, I am scrambling for something to do with the kids at this point. The annual pass to the Children’s Museum is great but there are only so many times we can rearrange the pegs on the light wall or handle the unwitting creatures in the touch tank before everyone starts to lose their mind.

Putting out a Facebook plea for indoor winter activities that don’t cost an arm and a leg always results in the same damn option. I have resisted this option for years now- ever since it became available and all the cool moms talk about it like it’s Tom Brady playing for the Pats again.

I also don’t care at all for Tom Brady or any of the sports teams he plays for. Football, right?

About five years ago, a church moved into what used to be a furniture store in the town directly adjacent to ours. This store was part of a chain- you know type- the friendly regional discount furniture purveyors that are present in every state and region. The space is huge. It sits next to a trampoline park in a strip mall that also contains a trendy axe-throwing spot popular with men and women rapidly approaching middle age and disillusioned by their corporate careers hoping to reconnect with their innate hunter nature, as well as an upscale used clothing store AND a movie theater.

This is not a common set of businesses in Maine. I mean, I lived just south of Colorado Springs for a while. This whole setup would be just one of MANY in that city. I get the shivers just thinking about it.

Anyway, this church has a coffee shop, a café, indoor sports fields (I’m not sure which sports- just those that involve lots of balls), a theater-style auditorium (ahem… I meant sanctuary… this place is holy of course, and not just a display of wealth and a grab for even more), and… drum roll please… a free, indoor, giant playscape for anyone to bring their children to.

In theory, this is great. This church is meeting the needs of frazzled moms and providing a warm, safe spot for the community to hang out in.

But… I’ve dabbled in evangelicalism. In fact, I went on a “mission” trip to the San Francisco Bay area when I was sixteen.

Yep. Me. The atheist who loves Christmas.

It was fun, and I loved being exposed to a very different environment than that of rural Colorado. There was a moment when I was locked in a small crawl space in a dry, Christian dance club trying desperately to save the souls of all the ravers out there when I realized that all these places are bullshit.

My job, as an underaged highly influenceable teen, was to pray for the souls of any non-Christians entering the club. I’m fairly certain they had a total of maybe a dozen people even attend that evening, so it wasn’t too hard. Because who wants to listen to Christian EDM without the ability to drink away the pain or grind up on all your friends?

Because of this experience, I imagine closets full of prayer warriors staring at my children as they blissfully enjoy the playscape. I can feel the church trying to get its tentacles into their minds, just as it did with me.

I’d be a bit more sympathetic if this particular church was one of those cute, progressive ones that welcome those who are different. But it is not.

I’d also be more impressed if suddenly the church decided to open its many shiny glass doors to the homeless population currently being kicked out of shelters and hotels in the area. That would make the place dingy, and unapproachable, and all those middle-class churchgoers would feel unsafe. And then the donations and tithing would start to dry up.

What a bind to be in.

Sure, this church does do some good for the community. They put on diaper and food drives, distribute some relief to the poor, and occasionally help local non-profits. But so do all the smaller, less fancy churches. And secular organizations. And the Boy Scouts. And the Girl Scouts. And school clubs. And neighborhood groups. Even individuals do this work without the prompting of a higher power.

A church displaying wealth in this way, while neglecting the actual needs of the people worst off in society, is an atrocity.

So, no thank you, mini-mega-church. The next yucky day stuck inside, my kids and I will suffer outrageous boredom together. I will teach them all the best ways to murder babies, and to be sexually deviant. We will worship all the false gods and learn about the different waves of Feminism. Actually, that last one’s not a bad idea.

But, in reality, I will probably yell a bit, attempt half-baked activities, and then throw in the towel and hand out iPads. A boring, less-than-perfect day is a decent price to pay to preserve the integrity of our souls.

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