Reading is Knowledge
Boontown Books Unleashes Unconventional Reading Curriculum
From Nazi Campfires to Zombie Love, It’s All in the Pages
Dear Directors of Language Arts:
I’m writing to inform you of the exciting titles on tap at Boontown Books for 2023! Are teachers and students tired of the same boring books?
Big yawn!
Today’s children just don’t like to read. Is it any wonder?
Traditional reading selections may be the reason. These new titles will foster reading and invigorate critical thinking skills — as well as entertain today’s multi-tasking, Growing in Wokeness, pre-literate, Emoji’ed-youth who were reared in front of screens and pixels, with prescribed Soma.
‘Day Turns to Swastica Night: A Love Saga’ by Joonie de June Jukes
Instead of Elie Wiesel’s Night, why not an uplifting account of a summer camp in Maine where a rebellious, directionless gal on the edge of seventeen, called Day, with a history of huffing and cutting, discovers the beauty of flowers, woodland creatures, mists over meadows, and scrapbooking.
Conflict arises in the guise of a dashing, but dangerous, dark-clothed, and black-booted camp counselor by the innocuous name of Hans Christian MacKlockenheimermesserschmidtssteinspierhess.
Is this a dangerous foray into a sexual awakening for the seventeen-year-old gal and the forty-one-year-old German virgin? Or is he really the illegitimate great-grandchild of a former, high-ranking Nazi official who wishes to restore the Fourth Reich in Maine on the banks of Lake Moosehead.
With the help of woodland friends, she just may conquer toxic masculinity, fascism, the lack of a Hobby Lobby for her supplies, and mosquitoes the size of a Heinkel He 111 German bomber.
Will she, Fawwk the Patriarchy?
‘In The Yellow Wolf Badge of Cowardice’ by Clive Clovenham
This sure-to-be YA bestseller charts the descent of a twelve-year Michigan boy as he’s thrust into the complex right-wing world of Michigan Militia called The American Christian Defense Freedom Liga and Gesellschaft, LLC. And the even more nefarious, The Reformed Boy Scouts of America, LLC (extra jingo added for preservation).
In order to attain the Wolf Badge, he needs to hunt down three town liberals — media-journalists — or Die Lügenpresse, and tie them neatly using a clove hitch knot.
On his first day of militia boot camp, he trembles to hold an M249 light machine gun — on “loan” from the local police department, with special permission from the Chief of Police, Lt. Herr von Schmidt Van de Klindergarten.
At night, they hold religious studies, memorizing verses from Richard B. Spencer’s spiritual awakening called, “Mein Kampf als weißer Amerikaner: Teil 1.”
In a riveting development, our impressionable hero develops emotions for his slightly older scout leader, who also happens to hide being a quarter African-American and a secret member of the ACLU and ADL.
The well-spoken and attractive scout leader, who smells of sandalwood and lilacs, is an embedded journalist. He works for The Guardian, Mother Jones, the Southern Poverty Law Center, and South Jersey Magazine.
Is he also working with the FBI as well? And the United States Food and Drug Administration?
Not only does our Scout prefer espresso, but he also fancies hummus, couscous, and baby carrots, and he fears his Vater (father) knows all — which of course in Northern Michigan means the firing squad or being handed over to the “damned Southern Michigan Liberals.”
Which one is worse?
‘Of Cabbages and Kings’ by Peter Yules Dellingforth
We’re excited to offer an updated Of Mice and Men. This is a new look at the old theme of friendship and the American Dream. In this new novel by an upstart fifteen-year YA author, our two tramps find themselves homeless and eating dried cheese from discarded pizza boxes in the alleys of 13th and Arch in Philadelphia.
They find work in a dirty barbershop — run by a transsexual who provides needed social “services” other than a mere cut and a shave. Edgy? You bet!
But as Robert Burns said, “the best-laid plans” of our two friends’ dream of owning a piece of the American Dream in a row home in Kensington go “awry” when the “dumb” but “sweet one” strangles one of the customers by accident in a bizarre sexual fetish.
His best friend needs to decide whether to dump the “customer” into the Schuylkill River or to use his idiot compadre as a drug mule.
We guarantee students will shun Tik Tok and Animal Crossing and Club Penguin on school-issued iPads while reading this gripping tale of the just-out-of-reach American Dream.
‘To Raise a Rainbow’ by Wilma Katheter
A young male of undetermined ethnicity, also rather gender fluid, as fluid as a stream, finds a new home with lesbian farmers in Kearny, Nebraska. Working the tractors and negotiating the cornfields, this archetype of the EveryTeenager eventually grows bored of tractors and mutant Mansanto GMO seeds. They decide to open their own piercing pagoda and tattoo parlor downtown with a loan from their indulgent parents.
The town gets in an uproar with all “Millennials” with blue hair and snake eye piercings and nipple piercings and tramp stamps. The “old-timers” refuse to hire the young workers because they say “they scare young children.”
Generational Civil War descends upon Kearny. Who will survive? Will They survive? Will RoundUp be used to sterilize those unwilling to believe in Progress and Progressive Causes and Woke Culture?
Will the troubled youth of Kearny find their rainbow? Will their lesbian parent farmers dye their hair pink too? And blue armpit hair as well? Will the rains come? Will prices for corn rise? Will the banks foreclose? Will über-Agriculture Monsanto descend like Biblical locusts and take over the land and demand farm subsidies from Congressional conservatives?
Will everyone just finally realize we all look the same in the grave? Skeletons have no color or gender or race or religion of piercings or tattoos or political affiliations — with the exception of high-ranking leaders of the John Birch Society (JBS), who, reportedly, have had their bone marrow super-supplemented with Aryan stem cells from dead Nazi leaders.
And best of all? It’s a graphic novel! There won’t be an issue with reading!
‘My Mother is a Vampire, My Father is a Zombie, And I’m Just Normal’ by Sal Leperino
Are readers having difficulty imagining a boarding school not run by witches and wizards — or white men and women who support the supremacy of white men over their minds, hearts, and vaginas?
Forget A Separate Peace! Start the year with this gripping and timely novel!
It surrounds a boarding school in the swamps of Oregon, but our young hero comes home to Portland to find out about a great change in the family. Eddie Pearl, the archetypal ‘outcast,’ turns inward to discover what being a human is all about — avoiding those who want to destroy you — including Ma and Pa — but loving them because they were Lady Gaga-ed “just born that way.”
Will he turn into a zombie or a vampire? Or a mutant, hybrid zompire! Will he return to boarding school to mutate his classmates — including a love interest — Dorothy Roosevelt, who just happens to be an auf — or a changeling!
Will he get his research paper on ‘Twilight’ finished before the term ends?
After all, God loves all His creatures — even the Unholy Undead.
What’s even more awesome! The type is set in red and the font is Gothic Sans Serif — as if penned in blood with dramatic splatter!
‘Bitches Get Stitches’ by Dorothy Dixie
A 2023 spin on The Wizard of Oz!
Soulja — not Dorothy or a Karen — is a down-on-her-luck ne’er-do-well who is transported to the streets of Detroit, looking for an angry fix. She struggles with heroin addiction, turning tricks, and scrapbooking.
On 7th Mile, she meets hustlers, pimps, The Red Hatter, charlatans, and Hobby Lobbyists. They all seek the Magic Palace along Highway I-90 East, in this case, the Corn Palace in Mitchell, South Dakota.
It’s an updated Yellow Brick Road. The surprise ending leads to detoxification, happy faces, tears, and Amish salvation. The struggle for survival in “Take America Back to the Stoneage” is timeless.
We hope you have enjoyed our preview. Again, we offer discounts for orders over one thousand copies. We also offer alternative versions if these versions trigger white conservative cisgendered, entitled fragility.
Note: only the alt versions of these books are available in Florida and Texas. All of the alt characters are cisgendered, regressive, AB, love that Caucasian Christian Patriarchal Cis-Male God, and know that America the Holy has been established by God to be defended against “The Heathen Woke” and “Librotards” with an armed populace of AK-47s.
Please feel free to contact me with any questions. Enjoy the summer!
Happy reading!
Literally yours,
Honoria Barbé-Marbois Marketing and Sales Boontown Books Avenue of the Americas New York, New York
Thank you for reading! For more humor from Walter Bowne on MuddyUm, check out:
