Boobs, Vaginas, and Penises

I wish there was a Gender Catalog. I know what I would definitely choose

I was born with a penis.

I never wanted it. It was pre-ordered without my consent. I have been stuck with it for decades. I didn’t necessarily hate it, I just wished it wasn’t there. I always thought it looked kind of stupid hanging off my body. I knew all my life that it shouldn’t be there but I was told there was a “no return policy.” I was told to live with it.

It has been only recently that I became aware that I have options. Not great ones but at least choices under my control. Once I was finally diagnosed as a transgender female, my relationship with my penis finally changed.

I wanted to trade it in.

To start the process, I started a regimen of female hormones. I had no idea how wonderful a decision that was. I suddenly felt connected to my body. It wasn’t perfect but it was so much much better. I felt this almost mystical harmony after a lifetime grinding discordance. An untouchable itch had finally been scratched.

I felt like me.

I know, it sounds so simple but I simply wasn’t allowed to be me. I was stuck in an acting role and it has taken time to finally see me, the real me, in the mirror.

Now I don’t see a stranger.

As the months and now years have passed taking female hormones, one of my catalog orders was finally delivered. After waiting a lifetime, I now have a wonderful pair of 40DD breasts. I know that I sound like I am bragging and, to be totally honest, I am. I have waited decades for the right puberty to catch up, so let me enjoy this moment of breast-based joy. They are just so cool to have. They always make me smile and, lord knows, like all of us, we need those pleasures even if there are taken in secret.

Check one major “purchase” off the Gender Catalog list.

So the last big item on my list is a vagina. That one is a lot harder. Put aside whether it is “real” for the satisfaction of the strictest feminists and purists out there because a surgically created vagina is the only option I have. It’s not like there is a swap meet where I can trade genitalia with transgender male. I am stuck with whether or not very serious surgery is needed for only my own personal satisfaction. Unlike breasts, who is going to see my new vagina? I am not a nudist nor an exhibitionist nor am I sexually active. To be honest, the hormones have shrunk my penis so small that it looks more like a large clitoris any way so why put myself through so much dangerous surgery and long term recovery and care for my gender vanity? I have discovered that after such a long gender journey, that surgery isn’t as important to me anymore. In my late 60’s, my health is more important.

Besides I have learned that genitals don’t define gender, a very tough lesson to learn.

So it looks like I am taking one Column A and keeping one from Column B in the Gender Catalog for now. I am still working out how to operate in both genders and still be happy. Knowing that I am a transgender woman isn’t enough while outwardly projecting as a physical male. Shaving my face and my receded hairline both make me want to cry but my time on hormones and my awakened female soul have definitely been shifting my physical gender needle in the direction I want.

I haven’t thrown away my catalog yet. There are still plenty of options in the catalog that I want to order.

I mean there is still makeup, shoes, and lacy bras, right?

Emma Holiday

Thank you for reading my work.

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Writers note: If you have read any of my writings on Medium you will have noticed a definite theme: the incredible pain of gender dysphoria and all the difficult aspects of just being transgender.

My writing has three specific goals:

1. Writing is my therapy. I have a very limited outlet for my thoughts so I write to find a way to process the most profound experience in my life. I need to understand and I need to accept myself to move forward.

2. Being transgender, for me, is a very lonely existence and if I can share some of the things that I feel and think as I go through the process of transitioning with others who are transgender and, in some way, lessen their pain and sense of loneliness, then all of this public exposure of my personal thoughts is not a waste.

3. I write to help cisgender people understand that all trans people want is to be simply understood, accepted and treated as a normal person. We are.