Bonnie Barton’s Questions, My Answers

Another writing prompt gig for me

Bonnie Barton has done it again. This time I’ve been sent a list of questions to answer and uh…as usual it contains some things that I’m already starting to regret and some admissions that I probably shouldn’t have made.

There was something about rules in the original post but I couldn’t find any, and I gather that I’m supposed to write some more questions and tag some people to answer those. In a move that will unsettle those who know me, I have managed just that.

People who have received a notification to answer the questions that I have set you, I demand satisfaction. Also, if you wouldn’t mind submitting them to this publication so I can publish your responses here, I’ll love you forever. Send your unpublished draft to: [email protected]

I have answered Bonnie’s questions, and written a list of my own below them. If I didn’t tag you, that’s okay too, I’d still love to here from you.

If you could pick only one decade of music to listen to for the rest of your life, which would you choose? I have (sort of) done this already. The radio in my car is stuck on a 60s station, and I’m too lazy to change it. I usually drive along singing over the actual lyrics with a commentary of things I can see along my route.

What is your greatest fashion or hairstyle regret? I regret all of it. My hair used to grow a bit like that thicket of thorns in Sleeping Beauty. Dense, impenetrable and people would often lose their lives trying to cut through it.

But, you know, at least I have hair. Some people are bald.

And with that thought, my hair began to aggressively thin and fall out. I still have tens of hairs left, but I don’t know how long they’ll be there. It’s a bit like watching something inevitable, like a lion bearing down on a lame gazelle.

Fashion. Yeah I got one for you. The schools in the UK, you have to wear uniforms. On select days, usually for charity, you were allowed, nay encouraged, to express yourself by wearing your own clothes to school. I went dressed as John Travolta’s Danny Zuko from Grease — slicked back hair, white t-shirt, leather jacket that did not fit my gangly adolescent frame, and uh, glasses, not shades, no, not shades.

I didn’t do this because I wanted to be an honorary member of the T-Birds, I did this because I thought (wrongly) that it was cool. I imagine I looked a bit of a tit.

Are you a Universal, Disney World, or Six Flags person? Pick only one, please. And share why (if you wish). I think Universal. I don’t know what Six Flags is. This is not a good question for me. I hate roller coasters, and most kinds of organized fun, so theme parks are out.

I’ve been to Disney…Land? Or World? And I’ve been to Universal. On the basis that I don’t know if I was at Disney Land or Disney World…I’m going to say Universal. But it doesn’t matter, I’m determined never to go back.

What saying or slogan would you banish forevermore? Most of them.

“I’m lovin’ it”, McDonald’s UK.

“Because I’m worth it”, L’Oreal.

“Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s Maybelline”, Maybelline

Let’s settle on something current. How about Trump’s re-election slogan: “Keep America Great”.

It suggests that he thinks he’s completed the work done in order to satisfy the slogan that he borrowed from Reagan: “(Let’s) Make America Great Again”.

I think a better re-election slogan would be something like: Let’s Continue Trying To Make America Great Again One Day At A Time, or LCTTMAGAODAAT if you like abbreviating things and putting them on hats. It humbly acknowledges that many days of the mission to Make America Great Again were thwarted by unavoidable trips to the golf course. I’ve tacked the “one day at a time” bit onto the end, because it’s a line frequently parroted by recovering addicts and usually gets a round of applause on celebrity chat shows.

Do you believe in soulmates — for yourself specifically and/or in general? Soulmates…as in the belief that out there is the one person who is meant to be with you? No. I find the idea absolutely ridiculous. I believe some people are more compatible based on a specific set of factors, which might include genetic predisposition, upbringing, cultural and social values, but I find the idea of soulmates deeply unspiritual and I actively hate people who think otherwise.

Unless…you think we’re meant to be together? Let’s talk.

Who is the best James Bond? It’s a toss up between Ian Fleming and me. I think me.

If you were a Peanuts character, who would you be? I don’t know. I’m not well acquainted with the comic strip. Is that wrong? I know there is Charlie Brown and I know there is Snoopy, but that’s about it. Shall we say Charlie? He is described by the creator as “a caricature of the average person”. Seems right.

What is your favorite pre-1980 movie? The Big Sleep, 1946. Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall. If you’ve not seen it, give it a go and tell me I’m wrong.

If you could switch with any Medium writer (only for Medium purposes, not the other areas of your life), who would you pick? Why? What? Why? Wh…what are you on about? Medium purposes? I confess I spend a lot of time daydreaming about being someone else, but if that comes with the limiting constraint of having to hang about on Medium managing someone else’s account, I’m out. Things are manageable on mine, nothing happens.

What is your greatest musical guilty pleasure? (Song or musician/band.) I don’t know about greatest, but of late, The Dictators. I discovered them recently when I heard “The Next Big Thing” which was featured somewhere, and then I went looking for their other stuff. I like “I Stand Tall” as well. It’s punk rock that doesn’t take itself too seriously.

And there we go, all done. Now, if you can summon the courage, please submit your answers to the questions below — I have taken the pressure off by throwing in some multiple choice variants:

1. Who do you think you are?

2. No, who are you really? Answer me! Don’t look away. This is important!

3. What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done? (No, not the lie you’re thinking of telling — you know what I’m talking about, you disgust me).

4. You’re on a boat, in shark infested water, miles from land. It is sinking and you’re going to die. Along with you on this one way ticket to death are a thousand scorpions. In your final moments, do you: a) Let the scorpions sting you, hoping that their powerful venom will kill you before you drown? b) Play a little game that we shall call kick as many scorpions into the sea before you drown? c) Try to encourage the scorpions to band together and make a life raft out of their bodies that will keep you alive for, let’s face it, seconds at best?

Feel free to elaborate on your answer.

5. What is your greatest regret?(if this ties in with your answer to question 3, please tell me one of your goals for this year and did you achieve it? (if this also ties in with your answer to question 3, please leave blank).

6. Describe one incident from childhood that shaped the person you are today.

7. On a melting ice flow there is a baby seal. A killer whale attempts to knock the pup into the water by tilting the sheet of ice. As a metaphor for your life are you: a) The seal pup b) The killer whale c) The melting chunk of sea ice

Feel free to elaborate on your answer.

8. You wake up in the Obersalzburg Mountains with a pistol and a handwritten note that says: we have sent you back in time to kill Hitler. The next person you see will be the fuhrer. You turn around to see a little kid with a backpack hiking up the mountain pass. Do you: a) Kill Hitler. b) Befriend Hitler and encourage him to pursue his dream of being a professional artist. c) Do nothing and stay in the early 1900s, trading off your knowledge of future events.

Feel free to elaborate on your answer.

9. You’re given the unique opportunity to have your mind re-inserted into a healthy 23-year old version of yourself and you’re gifted 800 years of life in this body, before the ageing process kicks in again. Do you accept? Feel free to elaborate on your answer.

10. Do you believe consciousness is a cosmic accident? Feel free to elaborate on your answer.

I would like to tag some of the most disreputable chancers I’ve ever read. In no particular order: P.G. Barnett, Elena Tucker, Laura Johnson, Elle Rogers, Cris C, Dasha Ziborova, Heath ዟ, Bebe Nicholson, Sarah Lofgren, Kyrie Gray, the rest of you. I’ve definitely left some names off, but that’s because I’m old and forgetful. Forgive me (and do submit your answers).