Bodacious Bodies.

Is it really like stuffing a sleeping bag into a sack?

“You can do side bends or sit ups, but please don’t lose that butt.” Sir Mix-a-Lot

I shouldn’t be passing judgement here, having never worn a body shaper. I remember author, Susan Orleans, describing them as “stuffing a sleeping bag into a sack.” That image alone is enough to turn me off cramming myself into anything.

One of my greatest disappointments was watching The Misfits, a 1961 American neo-western starring Marilyn Monroe. There’s a shot of her running from the water in a bikini, her tummy flopping around like, I mean, it was really flopping.

Now fast forward to Sara Blakely, the inventor of Spanx. In an interview, Sara said the idea came to her when she cut the feet off a pair of control pantyhose. “I looked fabulous,” she said.

Well, a lot of women felt the same way about Spanx. Sales the first year were $4 million, $10 million the second.

Pretty soon, bodacious women were twerking away in super tight jeans and compression shorts.

And it wasn’t just Spanx. Pretty soon, bodacious women were twerking away in super tight jeans and compression shorts.

Remember when Khloé Kardashian’s beach dress blew up in the wind, exposing her Spanx? She suffered so much bad press, she went on a strict diet and is now considered anorexic.

Her sister, Kim, suffered similar reviews when she modelled the dress Marilyn Monroe wore when she sang Happy Birthday to President John F. Kennedy. Kim lost sixteen pounds by eating healthy and wearing a sauna suit three times a day.

Isn’t that just stuffing a sleeping bag into mylar?

This quest for bodaciousness reminds me of my disco days, when guys stuffed bananas down their pants. At the end of the evening, the dance floor looked like a Del Monte packaging plant.

I love the clips from Walmart’s security cameras. One shows a woman trying to shoplift a hairdryer, sticking it down the front of her skin tight jeans. When she got to the cash, there was a perfect outline of a hairdryer in her crotch. She was arrested screaming, “Get your hands off me! Can’t a girl bring her hairdryer to a store without being frisked!”

The price tag was a bit of a giveaway.

Look at men in their “super slim” suits. They remind me of Victorian women in their whalebone corsets when they sit down.

You have to wonder when all this is going to stop. Look at men in their “super slim” suits. They remind me of Victorian women in their whalebone corsets when they sit down.

Which begs the question, are we all going to look like stuffed sleeping bags before this obsession is over?

I remember back in 1992, when rapper Sir Mix-a-Lot did “Baby Got Back.” It’s an interesting tribute to the more “rounded” physiques he immortalized in his lyrics:

I love big buts, and I cannot lie

You other brothers can’t deny

That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist

And a round thing in your face, you get sprung

Wanna pull up tough ’cause you notice that butt was stuffed

Deep in the jeans she’s wearin’

I’m hooked and I can’t stop starin’

The video gives the impression men look at bodacious women like they’re wrapped presents. Women seem to be doing the same thing with men in their super tight jeans. On Instagram and Tik Tok, they describe their boyfriends as “buttolicious.”

I’m surprised some jeans company hasn’t superimposed their product over Manet’s “Olympia” or Canova’s “The Three Graces.”

If anything, clothing manufacturers have created Christmas all year ‘round with men and women mentally unwrapping every bodacious or buttolicious butt they see. I’m surprised some jeans company hasn’t superimposed their product over Manet’s “Olympia” or Canova’s “The Three Graces.”

Of course, like girdles, it gets old after a while. You realize whatever you pull out has to go back in again. Imagine getting your girlfriend back into her Spanx at seven in the morning. After a few attempts—and possibly being late for work—you might start looking at slim women.

Slim women’s boyfriends aren’t cramming them into compression shorts. They both probably sleep another half hour. I know I would.

Perhaps the funniest videos are the Kardashians hitting the beach. I know it sounds cruel, but aren’t we all wondering if they’re “stuffing sleeping bags into sacks”?

Not that I’m one to talk. Whatever used to look reasonably “buffed” is now slowly drifting towards my feet. If my wife tells me I need a compression shirt or a “manssiere,” I might have to listen.

I’m at the other end of the spectrum, happy my wife doesn’t have to be squeezed back into her compression shorts.

Fortunately, my wife doesn’t have to be squeezed back into her compression shorts. The only thing she squeezes is orange juice. So I guess I’m not “sprung,” and neither are most of us. I know my butt isn’t worth mentioning. I guess my days of being “buttolicious” are over. Maybe butt squeezes would help. I doubt it, though.