Summary

The website content describes a darkly humorous tale of a pizza business owner who uses a horse stall mat as a makeshift body bag for unruly customers, only to struggle with the difficulty of cleaning the resulting blood stains.

Abstract

The narrative revolves around the unusual use of horse stall mats by the author, both for yoga and as a means to dispose of customers who request pineapple on their pizza at his corner pizza joint. The author, inspired by Medium CEO Tony Stubblebine's piece on the utility of horse stall mats for home gyms, details how he lures unsuspecting customers to the basement under the pretense of showing them an old brick oven, only to incapacitate them with a pizza shovel. Despite the mats' durability, as noted by Coach Tony, the author finds them impossible to clean of blood stains, despite various attempts including the use of a fire hose and bleach. The story concludes with the author resorting to disposing of the stained mat in a river, acknowledging the inspiration from the Medium community, and hinting at a competition for engagement with the original authors.

Opinions

The author finds horse stall mats to be versatile, using them for both exercise and nefarious purposes.
The mats are praised for their durability and ability to withstand significant impact, such as a cast iron pizza shovel blow.
Despite their toughness, the mats are criticized for being difficult to clean, particularly when it comes to removing stubborn stains like blood.
The author humorously bemoans the ineffectiveness of various cleaning methods, including the use of a fire hose and bleach, echoing Coach Tony's own experiences with the mats' cleanliness.
The piece is written with a tongue-in-cheek tone, suggesting that the murderous actions described are not to be taken literally but rather as a creative expression inspired by a writing prompt.
The author tags Tony Stubblebine and Buster, indicating a playful challenge or invitation for interaction as part of a competition within the Medium community.
The story is interspersed with humorous asides, such as the reference to "pineapple-pizza-eating philistines" and "Luca Brasi’s Dry Cleaner For Killers," adding a layer of dark comedy to the narrative.

Blame Smillew

Blood Stains On My Horse Stall Mat

A thriller at my corner pizza joint

On those rare days off I can be bothered snapping out of my habitual corpse pose, I will unroll one of my two traditional Horse Stall Mats to do some down dogs (also known as Downward Dogs for the obnoxiously pedantic).

The other mat I reserve for the basement of my Pizza business, which I use as a makeshift body bag for those philistine customers who ask for f**king pineapple on their pizzas.

I simply tell the stupid schmucks to follow me, all friendly-like, walking them down to the basement. I ask them if they want to see the old brick oven I bake their pizzas in, and like gullible tourists, they fall for it every time.

**Would you like a tour of the kitchen?** / Photo by Fabrizio Pullara on Unsplash

One good swing from my large cast iron pizza shovel is all it takes to get them lying flat on my sturdy, built-to-last barn mat.

As Coach Tony noted in his timely piece about Horse Stall Mats:

“You can drop weights on them and the concrete floor below won’t crack. They have good traction. They stay in place. They don’t wear down.”

So it could easily take the dead weight of pineapple-pizza-eating philistines, as you rolled them up like pigs in a blanket. Then you could just roll them out back into your little pit you dug out with your shovel.

Even Tony’s right-hand man, Buster, thought this was a clever scheme.

Of course, murder being a bloody business, the fine-fibered horse stall mat would get stained with a crap-load of juicy evidence.

And, as the Coach will attest, the damn horse mat is impossible to clean:

“No amount of washing and elbow grease and pinesol did much for the cleanliness of these mats. They are covered in strange stains: rust, dirt, grease.”

The thing stains! Much like Tony, I tried a fire hose, bleach, Luca Brasi’s Dry Cleaner For Killers — nothing worked to get rid of the evidence!

And I didn’t even have the Coach’s excuse of squirting some bike chain lubricant all over it!

So what’s an honest pizza business killer to do? I finally had to do away with the horse stall mat and dump the thing in the river.

**I’m sure this river has swallowed more than one horse stall mat** / Photo by Ivanna Salgado on Unsplash

© Carlo Zeno 2023

_________________

The inspiration for this piece of crime fiction comes from the inscrutable Smillew who knows how to find prompts in unlikely places, such as Medium CEO Tony Stubblebine’s recent piece on the pros and cons of using horse stall mats for gym purposes. I’ll leave both pieces below:

Coach Tony’s Prompt of the Month: Horse Stall Mats

Get off your high horse (stall mats)

medium.com

How I’m feeling about horse stall mats for home gyms.

Somehow, this is what I need to get off my chest. (Write what you want to write)

coachtony.medium.com

I normally wouldn’t tag both Tony and Buster as I am sure they have better things to do with their time, but the fiendish Smillew made it part of his competition to try to inspire a response from one or both of them for extra bonus points.

And when such esteemed prizes as “free stuff, fame and postcards” are on offer, how could I possibly resist?

For a slightly different restaurant experience, check out this recent poem below👇

A Blind Date

Suffering was on the menu

medium.com