Bliss (Trapped in The Clutches of Vera Von Bondage)
“Vera Von Bondage. We meet again, aren’t you tired of tying me up like this?”
“Johnson! Hey, Johnson!”
He opened his eyes. One of them was bruised and closed from the swelling. The cave was smokey, and his blonde hair was black with soot and grease.
“Johnson. They’re coming. Wake up.” The man was pudgy and short. His legs were really skinny. He looked kind of like a turkey leg.
Johnson was being held by thick vines. They were wrapped around his chest and around his waist and crotch, crisscrossing around and around his body. His arms were tied behind him. He was in a red jumpsuit. His glass helmet and laser gun were nowhere to be seen. His trusty jetpack had broken in the crash. He turned his face to see the sky. The rings of Bliss were still overhead from a port in the ceiling of the cave. He was still on the moon.
“I’d play dead if I were you. Maybe the crash cracked your neck or something? It wasn’t her soldiers who tied you up like this. It was those crystal spiders. Since they don’t have webs, they use whatever they can weave. Luckily, it was vines and not our skin.”
He looked over at his comrade, a short hairy dwarf of a man. His beard was all scraggly and thinned out from age. He used to have a really thick beard. He’d shown him holograms of how he looked before they met, more of a chicken leg back then. Of course, he was missing his weapons and tied up as well.
“Pecker, would you be quiet and let me think?” the larger man asked.
“Sure, boss,” he replied. “But how are we getting out of this one?”
“Same way we always do, Pecker. We ask to speak to their leader,” Johnson grinned.
“That works at least 13.6% of the time,” Pecker responded.
“Major Dick Johnson!” They heard a female’s voice from the entrance of the cave. “It seems you’re trapped now.”
“Z, do we have to watch this movie again?” he asked, holding her feet, rubbing a small knot out.
“It’s just getting to the best part, Ranchy,” she pouted, kicking a little. “That hurts a widdle.”
“This is the best part? Surely the explosions and the plane crash before this part are better than this. And what about those pygmies? That was wild, right?”
“Wrong movie, honey bunches.”
“Oh, I’m honey bunches now? What happened to Ranchy?” He tilted his head with a grin.
“Sorry, Ranchell Handatt.” She laughed, knowing he hated that name. “Don’t some of your friends call you Randy Ranchy?” She laughed.
“Hey, now. You don’t have to get mean,” he said, crossing his arms.
“I’m not being mean, Ranchy. How could I ever be so dark with you?”
“How dare you invade our mound, Major Dick!” an off-camera voice called.
“I have to take these hills! My mission is to look in all the caves and find the golden spot,” Johnson responded. He stretched and pulled against his bindings, but it was no use. “I’ve got to get off!” Johnson yelled.
“I’d love to see it, Major!”
“Quiet, Pecker, I can’t concentrate. I have to break these bonds,” he grunted against the slimy, slung, white ropes.
“And his name is Major Dick Johnson?” Ranch asked, swapping feet. “That’s a little extra, don’t you think?” He raised the remote to change it to another show.
“Quiet, baby,” Z whispered, pushing her foot in his face. “Don’t you dare change the channel.”
“Okay, but Marvelous movies are really going downhill,” he chuckled, kissing a toe.
“Vera Von Bondage. We meet again, aren’t you tired of tying me up like this?” said the tied man on the screen.
“You, Major Dick, I’ll never get tired of strapping you down,” the television roared.
“This is so bad Z.” He chuckled, rubbing her feet more.
“I like it when they tie people up and torture them,” she grinned, looking over at him. “I could maybe see you being tied up.”
“Who, me? We don’t even know anyone who could do that. But really though, the names? The dialogue? Come on.”
“Why’d you change the subject? I think ropes are cool. And like you think you could do any better? Isn’t your first name Agent?”
“Yeah, but only my mom uses that,” he frowned. “I thought we talked about that. I don’t go by my whole name on other social media. Just Twitter. Oh, and Tumblr, but who goes there?”
“Sesame lives there too, and oh, we did, Ranchy. We talked about it plenty,” she said, leaning forward heavily and climbing into his lap. “But I still like to watch you squirm.”
“That you do,” he grinned, embracing her.
“Hey, I’m getting something from the kitchen. Want something?” She chuckled, pulling away.
“I — wait, you’re going to let me eat?” he asked, slapping his gut.
“You come here and think I’ll let you go in my back fortress?”
“I tried the front, but it was too tight.”
“No. Ha, of course. You’re not trapped. I told you; you could eat. You just wanted to go on that diet.”
“True. I do want to look good in a swimsuit this year.” He looked down at his black t-shirt and jeans. “Feels weird thinking about shorts, huh?”
“I doubt your readers would recognize you in your uniform, but I’m pretty sure they could pick your ass in a lineup. Isn’t that how you got all your readers anyway?” She chuckled, shaking her own little ass as she turned to the kitchen.
“I hope not,” he called back. “I hope it’s my witty dialogue, humor, and metaphors.”
“Your metaphors suck,” she laughed.
“Guards, I’m spent. All hands on deck!” Vera screamed, as he overtook her.
“You got her against the rails now, Major Dick!”
“Yeah, they do. But?”
“But what, Ranchy?”
“You’re still trapped.” He smiled as she brought back a plate of sliced apples.
“I’m not trapped. Not with you. I like it here.” She smiled.
“Oh yeah? See if you can leave,” he chuckled.
“What the fuck, Ranchy? Why would I want to leave? You’re nice and romantic and sweet.”
“Am I? Because that’s not your jam, is it, Z?”
“What? Of course, it is. I love this stuff. Being here with you, watching these fun movies. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“No, that’s not you, Z. See, I’ve been hypnotizing you with all those ass and shower photos.”
“I don’t think so. It may have been those Writer Yarns,” she answered.
“You really split her fortress in two, Pecker. That was some good shooting.’
“All you had to do was tag me in, Dick.”
“I’ll remember that. Two dicks are better than one, old friend.”
“I doubt that very much. You’re not a fan of mine. I’m your fan, remember?”
“Fan? What are you a fan of? I don’t do anything special.”
“You don’t? You don’t write the best BDSM smut on Medium and, shit, just about anywhere else they sell fine digital books…” he said looking at the camera.
“No? Do I?” She looked shocked, not at the camera.
“Yes. Oh. This is bad. You’re very confused, huh, Z?” he comforted her.
“When you call me Z, I have this really weird feeling. I feel like I love you and trust you but when you say Z — ”
“Nothing like the afterglow of victory. Now we’ve got to clean up her moon. Luckily all this is edible. The good people of the Moons of Bliss will be quite full of this sticky residue, but they’ll never leave hungry. Come on Pecker, we’ve got work to do yet.”
“Doesn’t quite feel right huh? Oh well, just sit back and watch the movie, huh? Still want your feet rubbed?” He laughed. He had the feeling he’d won and leaned back further in his seat.
“No, I don’t think so. I think I want to see what’s — ”
“What, Z? You want to see what?” he asked.
“Stop. Stop calling me that. That’s not — That’s not my name,” she whined.
“What is it then?” He grinned.
“Shut up, Ranchy. I can’t think. Stop smiling at me. And get your hands out of that amazing brown hair.”
He looked right into the camera and winked. Everything went black and white for a second.
“You forgot my blue eyes,” he said as the color came back.
“Fuck, damn it. Your blue eyes too. Not like anyone can tell. You’re always in black and white.”
“Trapped, huh?” he asked again.
“NO!”
“Want a hint about what your name is?” he laughed. “I’m not letting you go.”
“I — I know what it is. I just can’t say it. Zzzzzzzay.”
“Almost there, HA! You’ll never get it,” Ranch grinned wickedly.
“Quiet! I know who I am!” she yelled.
“And who’s that? Say it!” Ranch taunted.
“Zatanna Dark,” she whispered.
“Oh, getting brave, little girl.” He crossed his arms.
“We got her good, Major. I can’t believe you impaled her with that thick rod.”
“It wasn’t mine. Without Prince Albert’s help. We’d have surely lost this battle!”
“And if I remember it right, I have to say it three times before — ”
“Before what?” Ranch asked.
“Zatanna Dark,” she moaned, with a sexy and evil grin.
“Fuck. Ouch!”
“Ouch? Ranchy, what’s wrong?” she smiled.
“Nuh–Nothing. My cock feels bound,” Ranch gasped.
“Fucking Zatanna Dark!” she yelled. Her clothes transformed into a tight, black, leather suit. She was holding a bullwhip and beside her was a sizzling brand with the letters DZ on it.
His clothes ripped off his body, and he was covered in bruises, claw marks, bites, piercings, and rope burns. Just like in some Hellraiser movie, he was hanging from the ceiling. The walls were adorned in a literal arsenal of pain and pleasure. The comfy living room of love was now a dark dungeon with strobe lights. The Marvelous movie was now the darkest pornography, using breath play which, to Ranchy seemed unimaginable. There were absolutely no puppies and kittens here. Ranch’s eyelids had little strips of tape keeping his eyes glued to the screen, but the most uncomfortable part was that little chastity cage. At least it was black.
“Who’s trapped now, mother fucker?” she laughed.
“Is it too late to say I’m sorry and that I really do love you, Zatanna?”
“Oh, Ranchy, this is how I love you back, by torturing the shit out of you, and you love it.”
STARRING
TERRIFYING BUT EXTREMELY SEXY BLONDE ZATANNA
AS
ZATANNA “Xtra” Dark
GIF OF DAVID DUCHOVNY AS HANK MOODY PUTTING ON SUNGLASSES SMOOTHLY
AS
AGENT RANCH HAND