Black Joy and Big Girls

My story about food, dance and happiness

My Grandmother said, “don’t let nobody steal your joy” and those are words I’ve repeated to others and use as my armor against shame and doubt to this day! I am so grateful that she taught me to value and appreciate joy. Joy is precious to me. Over the years, many have mocked it in attempts to steal it or dim my light… My joy, like my faith and wisdom are intangible and dare I say innate parts of me that cannot be taken away…

I woke up this morning craving Panda Express and thought of all the big girl memes and I don’t feel the least bit sad or ashamed. I love food! Food brings me joy! I’ve ALWAYS loved food and I think I’ve always had a big girl spirit.

I love planting, growing and harvesting food. I love learning the history of food and cooking shows from PBS classics like Yan Can Cook to Julia Childs, to The Kitchen (It’s just something about Sunny Anderson that makes me smile). I love to cook and watch people enjoy a meal I’ve prepared. I love experimenting with food and learning to perfect different cooking methods like Tang Zhong for Japanese Hokkaido Milk Bread (and cinnamon rolls). I love trying new foods from across the world and the African diaspora. Food brings me joy and when I’m happy I like to cook, eat and dance…

A couple years ago, at Thanksgiving my cousin looked at me and started laughing. I gave him a strange look and he said, “Do you realize you always danced for food?” I stopped for a second and had to laugh, too because it was true. I started cooking when I was nine because my Grandmother had partial use of one arm. We had a deal: I cooked and she’d clean because to paraphrase her — I was severely impaired when it came to cleaning. (I was too bleach happy — still am.) But I remember dancing, singing and laughing with her in the kitchen as early as 4 years old.

So I danced at every meal as a child — even though I was extremely thin. And now as a 40+ chunky chick, this is how I feel whenever I eat a good meal:

Joyful Bodies

I’ve had the blessing of being loved in my body no matter the size. As a matter of fact, I’ve laughed at the fact that I dated more when I was heavier than now where I’m in the medium range of my weight fluctuations...

I thought about body positive icon and ambassador of Black joy, Lizzo and how I can’t help but laugh and smile when I see her laugh and dance. But I also thought about how mean and judgmental people are about her spreading Black joy through her music, dancing and exuberant spirit.

Why can’t we be fat and happy? Why is happiness only for the thin, powerful and privileged?

Why are fat, Black and brown women a health crisis, but fat white women are brave for fighting “patriarchal beauty standards”, demand acceptance or need help and given reality shows?

Why is Black joy problematic and if it’s in a fat body — shameful and often the target of hateful and racist ridicule and anger?

I, like most fat people understand the potential health risks with being over weight or obese. But according to Lizzo, she’s healthy and judging by her performances she could probably out dance the average thin person. She works hard and exercises on a regular basis and taxpayers aren’t supporting her (to refute the “fat and lazy” stereotype). As a matter of fact, she’s probably paying more taxes than the average billionaire (but that’s a whole other injustice).

I can’t speak for all fat, Black women — but most of us are productive people who aren’t bothering anyone and if we’re hurting ourselves, it is our personal choice. Just like when people choose to smoke or engage in other risky behavior that no one else sees; we have free will to make good or bad choices.

I would like us to stop judging and being mean to fat people and especially fat, Black women. Now, as a mother I will admit I think Lizzo should give a twerk alert prior to busting into a joyful jiggle in public. However, at this point if anybody knows her, you know that as soon as you hear her infectious laugh — 10 secs later you’re probably going to see her a$& - dancing. I’ve watched her and from my perspective she’s doing it as a joyful expression, moving the part of her body that most people move — her butt - it’s natural. Most of the time I don’t think she’s doing it to be sexual or provocative, that’s how she moves when she’s happy.

Dance History Moment

If we’re honest, most people of African descent move and dance in a way that a lot of white or European people can’t and consider indecent or sexual. I know I’ve “whined” before a few good meals ESPECIALLY if it was some good Jamaican food. The whine can be connected to the West African Mapouka dance… See below for actual demonstration of Black joy through dance:

I apologize to my Jamaican brothers and sisters for my pitiful food inspired version (which is probably a sad form of dance appropriation), but that’s how good food makes me feel.

This is a plate of Jamaican inspired oxtail, Puerto Rican inspired beans and rice made with sofrito and my Gam’s (meatless) collard greens (from my garden). I use the word inspired because I’m African American and I want to respect the true cultures of origin, but I dare you to tell me this isn’t Black excellence and soul food joy on one plate?

But back to big girls, Black joy and dancing… Now the look and taste of a good oxtail platter or ackee and saltfish doesn’t turn me on — but moving my hips and belly in gratitude and excitement seems appropriate…

I can’t help that I’m thicker than a Snicker and got junk in my trunk (horrible, but funny cliches). Even when I was smaller, I had bigger glutes and I was bigger and heavier than girls my height. I didn’t start gaining weight until my mid teens and developed gestational diabetes in my late 20's. After my pregnancy, I lost weight, worked out everyday and was the smallest I’ve been as an adult and my STILL diabetes came back with a vengeance even though I was 40+ pounds lighter.

Unlike Lizzo I have been battling uncontrolled diabetes for many years. Mine is genetic as my (thin) mother had it and died from it in her late 40’s. It’s gotten worse due to work and income related stress and depression and lack of affordable health care and health insurance. My weight has fluctuated and I’ve been carrying around 27 to 40+ lbs of pain and trauma… Healthy food and medicinal herbs like milk thistle, dandelion root and aloe sometimes compliment or have been my only medicine.

Food has been my refuge when I felt unsafe, depleted and dismissed. Food has been my friend when my friends and family were busy or relationships were strained. Food has been my joy and salvation in the midst of sorrow, grief and despair. Food has been how I showed and shared love and happiness… If you tasted my food — I love or at REALLY like you…

I will admit I’ve had an unhealthy relationship with food, but in between the emotional eating was nourishment, replenishment, happy dances and memories. I’ve had countless delicious, soul soothing and stress relieving meals with food from my gardens, prepared with care and sprinkled with love and intention. I’ve danced even when I can’t add salt, use dairy or sugar… I still dance on meatless Mondays and soul food Sundays because it’s a blessing and joy to have good food.

The hypocrisy of hidden flaws and addictions

I’ve seen the faces of people who look at fat and morbidly obese people with disgust and judgment — heck in my thinner days — I’ve done it, too. But, once again, most people have some vice and an unhealthy relationship to something. They just don’t get bigger when they over indulge.

How many people are “normal weight”, but are weighed down by caffeine or other drug addictions? How many functional alcoholics, predators and abusers are an “ideal weight” and look healthy? They need help too, but you don’t see them as “unhealthy” because they can hide their addictions. Fat people literally walk with the shame of plates and shakes past, and often undiagnosed illnesses with little to no empathy. There’s billions of dollars for opioid addiction, yet very little resources for people with eating disorders and metabolic illnesses.

I am an emotional eater. My problem is I love to cook when I’m happy which is not a good combo because my medication suppresses my appetite all day… So a lot of times I’m weak, famished and finally hungry around 8:00 pm… I’ve shared some personal details so you understand being fat, Black and happy isn’t all cupcakes and cha cha’s — It’s complicated…

So the next time you see a fat, happy Black person, especially a Black woman, try not to judge and know our joy and happiness is hard, and essential to our survival. Think about all the things that you do behind closed doors that you’re ashamed of and nobody knows about… Think about your quirks, kinks and addictions that nobody will ever see…

I am Black, fat and sometimes happy and if you see me dancing at the dinner table or twerking (more like bouncing — I can’t twerk) at dessert, know that I KNOW it’s not good table manners — but I’m grown and as long I’m not hurting anybody and no kids are around LEAVE ME ALONE!

Don’t judge us with your eyes or hold us in contempt with your thoughts. Don’t police or attack our bodies, purchases or food choices in person or on social media. If you MUST do something, say a silent prayer and let us live!

Understand, being Black is hard enough — but if you add being a woman AND fat — well that’s a whole other level of difficulty that I don’t think the average person could imagine or endure — much less do it with a modicum of joy and happiness…

Admire and embrace our joy — don’t admonish or envy what you don’t have or understand and thank God your flaws, vices and are easy to hide…

With love,

A big, Black woman that LOVES spreading joy — through cooking and eating, dancing, sharing and caring about EVERYONE big or small

Special Thank you to:

My beloved and sorely missed Grandmother

My cousin (closest thing to a brother) Dez and my family friends

Lizzo for spreading Black joy through her music, dancing and laugher

Stacy Layne Matthews for the most legendary meme

Sunny Anderson for not hiding her joy and love of cooking and eating

PBS cooking shows

And my beloved son who inspired me to make some slammin dairy free desserts