ENTERTAINMENT
Bizarre Yahoo News Comments About Barbie: The Movie
Watching Barbie will condemn you in the eyes of God. Who knew?
The comments section of any — any — Yahoo News story is a hellscape of bizarro and misogynistic hot takes.
Whatever you do, don’t click on the Sports Illustrated swimsuit pieces. Any faith you still have in humanity will die like a jellyfish in the sun.
The recent announcement that Noah Baumbach and Greta Gerwig have finally gotten married brought out the trolls en masse.
Seriously, people have nothing better to do than spew hatred at celebrities? Do they think the celebrities are actually reading their comments?
Yes, I’m sure Greta Gerwig, the hottest director on the planet, is cut to the quick by your scathing, “Who?”
Your wit is truly unparalleled.
Somebody else said something about Gerwig’s children with Baumbach being condemned to Hell.
Nice.
But I love the people who don’t actually intend to be trolls — let’s call them the Terminally Sincere.
Yahoo moderators have already cleaned up the debris (boooo!), but as I remember it, the top comment on the Baumbach/Gerwig wedding announcement was something along the lines of:
The movie is making young girls crush their dolls!
I hate to point this out, but 50 years ago, when my little friends and I played with dolls, every single Barbie we owned was a hideously maimed nudist.
Every Barbie we owned was Weird Barbie. Hair is to be cut. Legs are to be split. A world where children take care of their toys and don’t act out Satanic rituals with Bratz dolls doesn’t exist.
Even if we could convince our moms to buy us a fancy Barbie gown or a pair of tiny high heels to replace the pair the dog ate, we would immediately (a) lose them, or (b) turn the gown into a replacement parachute for our Evel Knievel.
We had our priorities.
Every single child I knew was also on a mission to find out what made Stretch Armstrong stretch.
R.I.P, buddy.
It’s mind-boggling that children used to spend long, silent hours transferring newspaper cartoons onto Silly Putty.
Why? I have no idea. It’s just what you did until the Silly Putty turned into a toxic black ball of newsprint, or until you inevitably got Silly Putty on the couch and were both spanked and condemned to a Silly Putty-less life.
Movies did not make us violent, destructive savages. Being children made us violent, destructive savages.
But thanks for the comment.