Bittersweet: It’s My Demon’s Last Day In My Body
Everyone has a best friend. For some, it’s the next-door neighbor they met when they were five. For some, it’s their college roommate. And for others, it’s the demonic figure named “Kryptos” that possessed their body from age 7 to 18.
I’ll never forget the day I met my best friend. My mom told me to get some Christmas decorations from our pitch-black-and-one-hundred-year-old-basement-that-multiple-people-had-died-in-in-the-fifties so, of course, I went down. As I stepped down the loudly creaking steps, I had to cover my ears so I could stop hearing the decades-old screams of those orphans that were murdered down there. “Turn the woodchipper off!” they screamed. “Why a woodchipper?” Once I reached the bottom, though, I let out a huge sigh. I’d made it.
But that’s when a ten-foot-tall dark figure with razor-sharp teeth and blood pouring out of its mouth and eyes protruded from the ceiling. It moved towards me and proclaimed, “I am Kryptos,” and then blah blah blah, some Latin stuff. It was so cute. As it forced open my mouth and moved into my soul, I knew a real connection was being made. Kryptos was now living inside me, and in some ways, I would go on to live inside him.
After that fateful day, everything was different. Before Krytpy, I felt lost. But after that, I had someone by my side, and IN-my-side, at all times. Even my mom noticed a change. She was always saying how I was always so agitated now and how I was prone to strangle people and even claw at furniture.
With a violently evil energy living in my body, I had the wildest time growing up. Both of us went through all of middle school, high school, and even the first time I kissed a girl, when Kryptos fully unhinged my jaw and tried to swallow her. You know, the classic stuff.
As he learned about me, I was also able to learn so much about him. One night when he was making me eat bugs out of a fly zapper, he opened up about his past. He told me that he was once a devilishly handsome Vaudevillian performer named Jimbles. He loved the simple things in life like Coca-Cola and toes. When I asked how he died and what his unfinished business was, he said “NOLITE ERGO SOLLICITI DE EST. ULTIONEM BREVI EXPLEVIT.” Well, I guess some things are better left unsaid.
But unfortunately, last month my mom had had enough after enduring another one my Kryptos-powered-screeches that shattered her new glass couch. She called in a renowned exorcist from Cleveland to give removing my demon another shot. I knew this priest was legit because he wore Diesel jeans.
I really am going to miss my bestie. In many ways, he knew me better than I knew myself. Not everyone can control my every movement and make me pick up a school bus of old retirement home folks and launch them directly into the sun. God, he was a good friend. But with his departure comes liberty, too. The roommate in my body will be gone, so that means I’ll have much more freedom — no more third-wheeling on his dates with The Babadook.
He may be flying out of my mouth, but that doesn’t mean it’s goodbye forever. Ouija boards were “just made up for movies” according to Kryptos, so he gave me his Twitter handle. Now, I’ll be able to talk to him and see his quirky takes on pop culture even if he’s in another body.
It really is going to be bittersweet tomorrow. I hope your next partner treats you as well as you deserve. Goodbye, Kryptos.