Bitter & Sweet; A Family’s Journey With Cancer

Chapter Ten: A Screeching Halt

Friday, September 3, 2010 7:32 AM

Jeeeeeeeepers… so much happens in a day, much less a week; so I’ll try to give you the quick synopsis. Saturday and Sunday, Frankie had a nasty fever, he recovered well in a day or so, but the three of us lost a couple of night’s sleep, poor kid!

Tim had a great weekend and on Monday decided to go back to work another day a week (this makes four) because he seems to be on an upswing. (Yeah for Tim!)

Then by Tuesday, I had the nasty fever, bad night, and wicked chills. Wednesday morning, I got up to take a call, ended up passing out and hitting my head on the floor. (Yes, there is still a very sore spot on my head.)

My nurse neighbor insisted on my going to the ER to be checked. So we had to smile about the role reversal for us. This time Tim was the driver and I was the one moaning in the car.

Turns out, they say it was a “blessing” that I fainted and whacked my head. Otherwise, I would not have gone to the hospital and found out that I have silent pneumonia… so how’s that for terrible timing? They could not seem to get my blood pressure back up to normal but sent me home anyway after three liters of IVs. (BP still low…)

It took another 24 hours for the fever to completely break. Now I just have a headache and throat issues but I’m VERY grateful that I am not shaking from head to toe with chills! (It is truly amazing how your perspective changes — a bump on the head becomes a blessing, and so does a headache when it is not a chill ache.)

I’m on antibiotics and am ordered to have lots of rest for weeks and low stress (this isn’t something you recover quickly from… don’t they know how busy I am?) and I find I have to rest. I can be up briefly but then tire very quickly.

Bad timing for the benefit, as things are in a frenzy of activity, but our capable committee is dedicated and they keep reminding me over and over that Tim and I are not supposed to be worried about it anyhow. They are handling it!

Thanks to all you amazing supporters… what would we do without you? This was a big, huge wake-up call for me. As if it wasn’t enough for us to juggle all we had to emotionally with staying positive and yet realistic every day, now I had to face my own limitations.

I had worn my body out. For good reasons, but I was worn out nonetheless. My body was forcing me to slow down. I was literally unable to get up at times so I had no choice.

Friday, September 3, 2010 Guestbook entry from my Dad’s friend

Hey guys, Darcy, please take care of yourself! Dad is keeping me posted, but you’re the healthy one! Everyone I talk to tells me they wish the very best to you two. Love you guys!

Friday, September 3, 2010 Guestbook entry from our cyber friend

God is trying to tell you that you need to slow down and let some others help you! Yes, guess it was a blessing to have a bump on the head. Am saying prayers for anyone connected to you all that everything can go in order and all fall into place for the benefit!

The angels are everywhere around you, so just relax a bit and not stress out! Let the prayers work. Amen. End entry

The vast majority of people responded to us in this supportive manner. But there were some tough points along the way. For the most part, people are who they are, and relationships are what they are.

When a significant crisis arises, sometimes people and relationships band together in ways they couldn’t imagine to battle whatever is facing them. But sometimes, bad dynamics only get worse, and then you sit and wonder why you thought they could get better with all that extra stress around?

My family is ridiculously supportive. They are located anywhere from 50–80 minutes away, but time and time again would drop anything to come and be here whenever they could. My sister actually took an unpaid leave of absence from work on two different occasions to come and help take care of Tim.

But not all families function that way and I would dare say that most probably do not. It’s just the way it is for whatever reason. All families have their strengths and weaknesses.

I felt like I wasn’t a big hit with some of Tim’s family when we first met. That’s all I will say about that. But the night I got home from the hospital after my fall, an already tentative relationship blew up on a phone call. In some respects, it was a big misunderstanding, but in other ways, I guess it was inevitable.

I don’t ever intentionally hurt anyone, but I am human, and therefore thoroughly flawed. I had made an implication that offended someone, even though I didn’t intend to. It was over the level of involvement some of Tim’s family had in our lives, and more specifically around the benefit.

Some of them weren’t fond of computers, which isn’t a problem in and of itself, but it was our only means of communication. I guess I should say it was the only one we could keep up with, and even that was difficult sometimes.

There was just no way to make calls to individual people and family members to let them know what was going on. And because they weren’t around us on a daily basis, they had no idea the chaos and nightmare we lived in. It was like a big line of falling dominoes. If you weren’t here, you didn’t know how terribly hard our life was. And if you didn’t check your computer, you couldn’t be updated that way either. So there were big gaps of information missing.

In the conversation, I was not implying that Tim’s family wasn’t helping us. We were entirely grateful for any amount of interest anyone paid us. But sometimes they just truly had no idea how complicated things were and didn’t have the big picture in mind like other people did because they didn’t have all the information.

The call ended badly and I cried for almost an hour. The upshot was that I was officially “cut off” and was “done with” by some of Tim’s family. So much for resting at home, cutting back on stress, and trying desperately to get better.

Those who know me, know I work very hard at being truthful, but always and always tactful. My husband was dying, I was under incredible strain, and I was extremely physically ill. Yet somehow, none of that mattered, and whatever crime I had committed, was completely unforgivable, even under the circumstances.

As I went to sleep that night, I had to tally the day under the “bitter” side. However, when I awoke at about 4:00 AM and discovered Tim wasn’t in bed, I realized there was more life to be lived. I found him in the living room.

He had been awake all night. He was very disturbed by what happened between his family and me and was unable to shake it. We have gone through lots of transformation over the last couple of months, and Tim had just experienced another big one.

He saw me enter the room and said “Darcy, God has given me an epiphany tonight.” Oh boy, his tone was serious. He went on to talk about how the last ten years had been shaky between his wife and his family and how that had caused him distress over the years because he loves all of us.

He said that he had been evaluating his life with me throughout the night and wanted me to know that he had consistently asked me to “be the bigger person” whenever conflict had occurred between me and his family. While in and of itself, that isn’t a bad thing, he said he saw now how that had just served to set precedent with his family.

His dislike of confrontation usually caused him to avoid it, so that is what we generally tried to do. But he felt completely resolved that God had spoken to him during the night and said that he must set things right before he died. He was being given a chance to do the “right thing.”

As I listened, I asked him what that meant exactly. He said he wanted to write a couple of his family members and let them know how he felt. He didn’t feel like I had always been treated well and he needed to let them know how much he loved and respected me, and that he demanded others treat me that way as well. It was time to set the record straight and be the supportive husband he needed to be.

It was no secret that Tim and I had a pretty rocky marriage at times and have been in counseling throughout its entirety. But that didn’t mean he didn’t love me deeply and the events of the last couple of months had certainly changed our lives and relationship completely. Again, he made it clear that this message came directly from God.

I listened, quite honestly, in shock.

I suggested that he try to get some sleep and when he was rested if he still wanted to send the letter, then maybe he should. Too late. He had already written and sent it. Email, immediate, no taking it back. I was incredulous.

It was a beautiful letter, but I couldn’t believe he sent it. In my heart, I knew that I was moved beyond belief. I knew that I had longed for a decade to have him defend my honor. But was this the right time?

All I can say is that it must have been because Tim was utterly convinced without a shadow of a doubt that this was meant to be. He believed with all his heart that God had given him an opportunity to right some wrongs that had been done.

And once again, I was humbled.

While I had gone to bed with a terribly hurt heart, there was a gift in the center of it. I felt a closeness to my husband that I had never felt before. We had a bond of loyalty and love that can only come through adversity. It was a true transformation, born only from being willing to take the bad with the good.

I didn’t realize the collateral damage though, at first. I didn’t know yet the night before was the last true night of sleep Tim would ever have. When he stayed up all night, he got off his sleep cycle. He never got it back after that, and that would have devastating effects on his overall ability to fight his disease.

But again, the bitter and sweet, hand in hand.

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