Bitter & Sweet; A Family’s Journey With Cancer

Chapter Twelve: The Benefit

Friday, September 24, 2010 Guestbook entry from Tim’s family

Hi Uncle Tim and Aunt Darcy, The benefit was great. Me and the kids had such a nice time there. It was so good to see you guys again. That video was beautiful. I was crying through the whole thing. Good job making it Darcy! End entry

Ah, THE BENEFIT. What a loaded event. Weeks and weeks of fun, upset, stress, and excitement all packed into one night. Before I show the journal entry I wrote about it, there is much to say that did not get “published” out there.

As I mentioned, Tim was able to come for a while. The highlight was when his best friend from Michigan came and surprised him. Tim tuckered out though and our friend Summer took him home and kept him company.

I ended up having a bit more to drink than I planned on. But I have to admit it felt really, really good. I danced, visited with people, and got a little silly. There was a clown there that did face painting. I had him paint “I LOVE” on one cheek and “TIM” on the other. I thought I was pretty adorable until I went to the bathroom later. I was sweating buckets and the paint had dripped down my face, making me look like something out of a really cheap horror film. Boy, did I wash that off fast!

Throughout the weeks of preparation, I had some conflicts with a couple of friends of mine. Their version of the story is completely different I am sure, but for me, it was all pretty confusing. I know one of them felt like I was being a “control freak” and should have not even been involved in the details.

I felt like the benefit was an incredibly large but personal gift to my husband and I wanted a certain atmosphere there. It was like someone that plans a baby or wedding shower in your honor but then doesn’t ask you what you want so you can enjoy it.

It’s all very awkward when people give of themselves ceaselessly to you, and you feel like you can’t say anything about how it’s going without sounding ungrateful.

Afterward, several of my closest family and friends processed it all with me. It was hard on them too. They heard things get said about me that were unkind, and even untrue. While the friendships survived, they have never been the same since.

On a good note, we had about 180 baskets that were donated! It was kind of crazy. There were tables of people who won several items, and then people who won nothing at all. There were some larger ticket items that had separate raffle tickets.

Tim’s family won a $200 set of tools. Unfortunately, someone stole it. We had heard about things like that happening at benefits and it’s hard to believe but it really does happen. Some smaller baskets were taken too, but the big one was very disappointing.

The harder part though was the upset that was caused. The gentleman who had won the stuff was very angry. I don’t think he was as upset about losing the items as he was that someone dishonored his family in that way. The entire situation with Tim being ill is intense enough, but then add this and it was just too much for him. I heard stories about it for several weeks. He apologized later about it and all was forgiven, given the circumstances.

The politics around a benefit are as difficult as a wedding is. Everyone wants things to be perfect and everyone works hard. But then there are funky dynamics that go along with it. One of Tim’s family members talked at length with one of my kids that night. There was a big emphasis on how all those people at the benefit were there mostly because of the efforts he put into it.

He did work hard, but he had no idea just how many people contributed to its’ success and for weeks longer than he even knew about it. But I also got a little insight into one of the reasons some of Tim’s family struggles with me. The complaint was “That Darcy, she always has to try and fix things.”

I thought about that one a lot. I decided that if that is the worst thing that someone can say about me, I am doing pretty well with my life. I mean, it still hurts that people talk about me (especially to my children), but really, I guess that’s not so bad.

Lots of times I can fix things.

I’ve certainly been a fierce advocate fighting for my husband’s life and he is nothing but deeply grateful for it. Remember the family member that was angry and “finished” with me? She was at the benefit too. She worked her butt off. I heard nothing but how hard she worked from start to finish. She was amazing. I give her credit.

In spite of any feelings she had toward me, she never let it interfere with how much she loved Tim. And he was what mattered now.

The DVD was amazing. Maybe mostly to just Tim and me but that is all that truly matters I guess. We sat in the front row and watched it. I was extremely frustrated because people talked through it. But with over 400 people there, I guess that should be expected.

Let me tell you what it consisted of. It opened with Tim introducing himself. He is sitting in front of our computer. “Hello everyone, I’m Tim Colvin. Some of you know me as ‘Coop’. I’d like to tell everyone why we are holding this benefit tonight. Prior to April of this year, our family had a typical life in progress — work, school, home.

“I, myself am an engineer. I did my engineering work, worked side jobs, came home, cut lawn, did lengthy to-do lists. Tried to be a husband and a father. Typical life, like everyone else. Unfortunately, the type of life that swallows people up and time speeds along.

“In April, I had some tightness near my gallbladder. It was initially diagnosed as gallstones, which happens to a million Americans every year. So I went in, and after the surgery was over, I was told by the surgeon that I had stage IV gallbladder cancer. While that was a punch in the gut, it made me the epitome of how something so wrong could happen so randomly to a guy. How clever of a cancer that it had given me no symptoms, it just (snap of his fingers) came upon me.

“So we’re holding the benefit because I am only 48 and I’ve got another 15 years before I retire. So that’s 15 years of lost income or basically 14 or 13 because I am trying to manage to make it a little longer here.

“One thing this illness has given me, however, is the ability to appreciate life on every level imaginable. Just like those mushy emails that people get, I now enjoy every minute of life. For instance, I had no idea that I had come to know so many people in my lifetime. You go through life without counting really.

“God has blessed me with each and every one of you. I am honored that at some point in my life, our lives have crossed paths, either for a day, a week, a month, or a year. The truth is, each one of those days, months, or years has been the best of my life.

“In the background, I was listening to a song called ‘You Make Me Feel Good’ which is a Zombies B side that a band played when I used to go to their gigs. I think it’s appropriate because all of you tonight has made me feel good by coming out tonight and showing your support by coming to this benefit.

“So thank you all for coming and I hope you enjoy the rest of the festivities. Love you all and thanks again.”

Tim wrote that himself, and that sums up so much of how he views his life. The life expectancy for his diagnosis has not exceeded two years that we know of, but he truly plans to beat those odds. My emotions flood as I listen. He truly means every word of it, his newfound appreciation for life flowing every day.

The next clip was entitled Tim’s “former in-laws, but always family.” Tim was married for 16 years to Sheila and had three children with her. Divorces are often ugly, but we had worked very hard in the last few years to develop a civil relationship with Tim’s former wife.

He always had a good relationship with Sheila’s family and they did what they could to be supportive during this time. The whole group of them got together for me and told an amusing story about how Tim mooned some poor old lady in the picture window during a garage sale. Yep, Tim’s sense of humor.

Next up were his colleagues. They said they think of Tim like a hummingbird because he is always buzzing around the office. What a perfect description of him. I have always said he only has two speeds, zero and 100. His colleague said in the video that he only has one speed and it’s “very fast.” I can just visualize him at work, going a mile a minute. Hummingbird. Good symbol. There were also some jokes about what a hearty eater he is. So true.

Tim’s older brother Garrett talked about how he was charged with “watching his brother” as they were growing up. There was footage from his family at his brother’s cottage. They all have a sense of humor. For as long as I’ve known Tim, they have gotten together regularly for “brother’s night out,” although “brother” was extended to any family member. They have a great time together.

My family shots were next. No doubt that Tim was considered family from the very beginning. He was famous for his sense of humor and always shocking everyone with the unexpected. They also talked about the many times that Tim was willing to offer a helping hand with whatever project they were working on.

We were the recipients of my family’s help many more times than we ever helped them. That’s just the way our family is. Truly we are there for each other. But nothing could compare to how they have stood by us as we battle this illness.

Tim’s best friend Jim and his wife were next. He told a story about them when they were kids and how they burned their fort down by accident. They were grounded for months!

Next was Tim’s younger brother. He spoke with emotion about times that Tim protected him and took care of him throughout his life. He said Tim would always be his big brother, no matter how much taller Roger might get. Through obviously genuine tears, he called Tim his lifetime hero.

The next section was Tim’s four children. They shyly talked about their dad and how he was able to fix things in their lives, no matter what the problem. Our youngest, Frankie, mentioned hockey a couple of times. They have a lifetime of memories of hockey games and stories. And in spite of feeling a bit awkward having their lives telecast for all to see, they told their dad they loved him.

Tim’s big brother Garrett came back on. He was commenting on their day at the cottage together, but it fits perfectly for the benefit as well. “This has been a wonderful day. It’s been a lot of fun. Good food, good beer, a lot of laughs… Tim has been the star of the show. That’s why everybody came… It’s a special day that we will always remember. But keep in mind, we are looking forward to more days, just like this. We are certainly not done partying or celebrating. We look forward to the next time, whatever that means, for however long that means.”

The last section was me. I found a copy of our wedding vows, which we had written ourselves. I thought they were still perfect, ten years later so I decided to record them as an ending to the DVD.

“Hi Tim, remember these words. I love you. We had a very magical beginning and then life has kept us busy ever since. When I stop to think of your many qualities, it brings tears to my eyes. You are romantic, poetic, sensitive, motivated, and energetic beyond the call of duty. I promise to be faithful to you. I promise to try and be the very best partner I can be, in every facet of what that means — spiritually, socially, financially, emotionally, and physically.

“It is my personal and heartfelt goal to hear you say at the end of your life, that two hearts are better than one. That our lives were qualitatively better beyond compare because of uniting with each other. This is my commitment to you.”

Tim’s friend took my video camera and recorded us watching the DVD together at the benefit. It is some of the most precious footage I have of us. I worked so hard on this surprise for him, and I knew he was deeply moved. It is a memory that will last a lifetime.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

We cannot possibly begin to find the words to thank everyone for the absolutely amazing benefit on Friday. So many of you worked tirelessly, (Ok, I know you were tired… more like exhausted!) and gave of your time over and over and over again. It was a monumental effort and we thank each one of you for all you did to pull it off.

Second, thanks to all of you who attended, donated, invited friends, etc. We had over 350 tickets turned in at the door! So that number does not include kids or people who trickled in or volunteered to help. Estimates have been between 400- 500!

The greatest part is, the fire hall people told us they haven’t had an event that big since they joined — not even for weddings! What a testimony to how much you all love Tim… we are overwhelmed, not even sure how to let it all soak in.

The financial support far exceeded our expectations as well. We have been so deeply moved by the generosity we have seen repeatedly, and the stories about how people have donated who have no idea who we are!

Make no mistake — THERE IS MUCH GOOD IN THE WORLD — MUCH, MUCH, MUCH!!

So when you have a down day, or someone does something not so lovely, keep the big picture in mind! End entry

If I was told that this book could only be one sentence long, I think this would be the one I would choose. It is the lesson that is engrained most deeply in us, even while surrounded in the knowledge that cancer is a hideous disease.

Make no mistake — THERE IS MUCH GOOD IN THE WORLD — MUCH, MUCH, MUCH!!

Entry continued

Our time at Niagara on the Lake was brief but amazing. We decided the phrase of the day was “bittersweet.” We have never stayed at such a beautiful place.

Our room was exquisite (did I spell that right?). The bed was soooooo comfy. We even had a fireplace in the room which we kept going through the evening. The first thing we did was notice the large jet tub in the bathroom — room enough for two! So we climbed into the warm, soothing waters, breathed a very deep sigh, and snuggled in.

We looked at each other and quietly started to weep. Words weren’t necessary, but we agreed that it was ok to bathe in each other’s tears. We were so relaxed, relieved, exhausted, treasuring each other’s company, but knowing these moments are numbered.

After that, we went down to dinner. Thank goodness our waitress was lovely. We didn’t know what the heck we were doing. We didn’t even understand half the descriptions of the food so she helped us out. The food was fabulous and we were stuffed to the gills!

About midway through dinner, an elderly couple sat at the table next to us. We discovered it was their 68th wedding anniversary! Again, we looked at each other and began to weep quietly. It became obvious what we needed to do.

When we left, we let the waitress know we wanted their bill to be sent to our room. It was a precious connection we felt with them and somehow wanted to celebrate our own 68th anniversary through them. We know you aren’t supposed to tell anyone when you do something nice for someone, but it was such a spiritual and intense moment for us, we wanted to share it with you. It was an opportunity directly from God.

On Monday, we walked a bit around the village but Tim was not feeling well. We used the wheelchair but decided to go home early and cancel our massages. It was brief, but it was perfect, a highlight of our lives together .

Tim stayed home from work again today. He’s not in any pain, just having a very low energy level. He’s hoping to return tomorrow. Thanks again for all your love and for sharing our journey with us!

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