Biggest Mistake of My Life

I made it to the age of 45 as a woman with a pretty good head on my shoulders. I had morals I stuck to, I didn’t let anyone run all over me, I lived alone without any hesitations, I made sure to look over my shoulder when opening my door at night but this one I let in myself! Please don’t judge me.

It all began when I lost my little brother, my mother, and my father within months of each other. It seems a grim reaper just came in and took them all from me without warning. One by one, they started to drop like flies, as I say that lightly. This story will end abruptly but I promise I will finish when I am ready to deal with it.

My little brother, Nicholas.

My little brother had just moved to California, 24-years-old, he just graduated from UNCW. He was moving to California to attend a prestigious film college to be a producer. At the age of 24, he graduated at the top of his class at UNCW, produced his first movie — filmed and produced by him himself. He decided to move all the way to California to attend Chapman University, one of the top ten film colleges across the United States. He was on to get his masters degree. He left the house to go grab some dinner, on his way back he rear-ended a car sitting at a redlight. His film equipment hit him in the back of the head — he suffered for two months in his apartment alone. He was found dead with this ears and eyes dripping with blood and they say his apartment was like a blood bath. Brings tears to my eyes, just not knowing what he went through the last month of his life. He was ashamed to tell my father he had totaled the new Mustang and that he had missed a class. The only reason his best friend went to see what was wrong was because he was sending odd messages on his laptop to his film team, plus he had missed class that day again. His best friend knew something was wrong because Nick had never missed a day of school until that day and the fact he missed class again, then something bad had to of happened. He found him in a pool of blood when he arrived, no one knew he was suffering so badly. At the age of 24-years-old, I lost my best friend and little brother, who had accomplished more in his life than most of us probably have. His movie was released in the movie theatre and the film equipment that was used througout the whole movie, took his life that night.

The weirdest thing about that film equipment, I have it sitting in a large film bag right behind me. I used it for a year before opening up his laptop to read his last messages, making me aware of what had hit him and made him suffer for so long. Before I knew this awful information, I realized the film equipment has sliced my finger twice and one evening I came home after running to the grocery store, I walked in my front door, and all the sudden I had a huge florescent light coming towards my throat, but I caught it just before it fell. It cut my throat in the front area and bruised my arm from catching it. As of right now, the lights need new bulbs because within two days, all three of them went out. These lights are the big expensive professional flash lights that are used on big sets, just the bulb cost $20 each. I don’t normally believe in things being possessed but I have a deep dark feeling about these lights… I haven’t replaced the bulbs because I am unsure what to think at this point.

My Mother

I used to stay away from social media because I just felt it was a waste of time and everyone was online gossiping about each other. I wasn’t the type and what did I really need social media for? BUT one night, I decided to get on to see what everyone was talking about but low and behold, first thing that pops up on my feed was my mother had been admitted to the hospital and she was there with my two brothers! This was devastating for many reasons, you can imagine.

I will keep this short because it was a very long drawn out time that I don’t really want to bring up some of the tradegy that came along with her death. My mother was pushed down the stairs by her boyfriend of 20 years and she was in a coma. After a long six months of battling the hospital to keep her alive, she finally passed away on her birthday and Mother’s Day at 1:00 a.m. when no one was in the room and she went peacefully, as far as I was told. (none of us really know this!)

My father

Not long after the passing of my mother, I got a call at midnight that my father had a heart attack and I was being asked where I was because the police wanted to know where my whereabouts were. (come to find out that was not true). I won’t get into much detail on this situation because too many people have their hands in the pot but his wife of two years let him lay on the floor for two hours before calling my brother to call the police. I won’t say much more about this because like I said, it’s a very touchy subject to a few of us.

Now, here is the real reason I am writing today

After loosing my brother, mother, and father… not including being laid off from my job, losing my two boxer dogs that were the love my life, and going through a break up after 20 years, I met a person who would literally ruin my life forever.

Now, let us go back to how I had raised myself to have morals, I didn’t let people walk all over me, and I was ok with all of this happening. I was handling it O.K., or so I THOUGHT!

I met someone while hanging out at a friends house, some of my past stories tell you some of our encounters that I do regret but I am not going to erase the stories because it kinds of makes this whole thing real for me. I ended up bringing a man into my life after being with women for so many years of my life. I loved the woman I was with but I still wanted the touch of a man once in a while or maybe it was because I felt confused, sad, alone, and lost?

I don’t even know how to explain what happened because I feel ashamed I let this monster in my life and then kept letting him back in. It was like I wanted punishment for all my sorrows. I don’t know if I can admit what happened just yet as I write this…. I don’t know if I am ready or I don’t know where to start. I think maybe I have to deal with what is happening after this last time of letting him back in to tell my story.

I hate to do it but I don’t think I am ready to tell the world what I let happen to me just yet. It is good to talk about these things but there is so much that has happened that I am ashamed of … and truthfully, I can’t even think of where to start with all of it. Put it this way, I just recently escaped from being locked in a room for days on end. I don’t know….there is so much I need to say and too many bad memories that my mind cannot put them on paper. I feel like it still didn’t happen to me.