ABOUT ME
About Me — All About Bicho for Your Eyes Only
I’m a fraud. My son says I’m a Wi-Fi dictator.
Are you a fraud too?
……Please enter the roller coaster car and pick a comfy seat.
1. Stop looking at my abs and scroll down.
2. Keep your hands where I can always see them.
3. You dislike me already? Oh! Ok, just block me. No offence taken.
4. You can skip any section, temporarily or forever. Skip directly to the Glorious Golden Showers if you wish, or The Big Picture.
4. You are free to leave the roller coaster car at any time, at any height. Ciao!
5. Please make yourself comfortable and enjoy the ride.
7. Yes, there are 2 fours and a missing 6.
8. Caffè macchiato served during the ride. Be careful of hot spills. There might be some sharp turns and even loops.
9. Other writer’s typos are my pet peeve… Mine are killing me.
10. Ending on 9 would have been sad. Here’s your 10!
For those that did not get a coffee, I’ll keep it easy on you. Below is your Table of Content (TOC) version depending on your caffeine intake.
TOC: Non-Caffeinated Version
- Introduction
- Development
- Conclusion
TOC: Caffeinated Version ☕
INTRO
- Who am I?
DEVELOPMENT
- What I like, and dislike.
- What I have, what I need.
CONCLUSION
- I’m looking for your wits.
- I’m looking for your critical thinking.
- I’m looking for amazement, chills, and laughs.
THE BIG PICTURE
- Takeaways.
End of TOC — caffeinated version
Bio-break anyone? Ok, let’s forge ahead, we have a busy schedule!
Introduction — Finally!
Normally, you should present yourself in your best light. Since I’m a sort of fraud; I prefer you know all the filthy jam upfront. You can decide what to do with it… Better warned than to be defrauded!
Take my wife, for example…. What a shame…
Not her, I mean me! When we met. I fraudulently led her to believe that I liked to:
- Dance salsa — seduce!
- Go to the museums — that was a good one.
— TOTAL FRAUD! —
Maybe dancing salsa in a museum would be less boring? Imagine salsaing in a trendy museum, in front of a La dance Macabre? Chilling, no?
She married me; I married her; we did it.
Now she is stuck with me.
The wedding represented a significant expense for the celebration. It was fun. Even if we were budget careful, weddings are a big expense — in my opinion anyway. I told her I did not need someone in a long white suit or a business suit (no offense to anyone here — priests, lawyers) to confirm my love for her. Prior to marriage, when I moved in with her, my decision was sealed; concrete was poured. I guess lots of humans romanticize this wedding event. I digress, a bit more on me.
I don’t shave every morning like I used to do for her: Fraud.
This already helps to clarify certain frauds…There is more in store!
Additional appetizers for the ride
- I do not floss. Hey, do you? Fraud.
- Worse; I tell my dentist every 6 months I’ll finally do it next time. For approx. 30 years? Monumental fraud.
- I have an expensive flamenco guitar; I don’t know how to play: Fraud!
- I can’t even type properly at a decent speed, although I pledged, I would take advantage to be more productive. That was in 2006: F R A U D.
- I tried three times to learn the piano. Out of four individuals (our immediate family), I’m the only one incapable of playing at home: Fraud!
I had no excuses. I had the best tools to learn, provided by Zach. Look for his insightful, energetic, and motivating YouTube videos! Please note his plan’s visual formatting was an inspiration for my Simple Language Plan story. Reviewing this makes me feel like wanting to attempt a 4th time now. Will it be the right one?
Oh! You are still here?
You haven’t had enough already? Brace yourself… More Bicho humiliating stuff coming your way. Maybe you are as problematic as I am? Can I join your club?
I’m a total hamster for readable stuff.
I constantly hamster books, magazines, websites, and Audibles. I have been on this platform since 2020 as a reader… You wanna see how many bookmarks I have?
It’s a FOMO disaster.
Yes…That is the number. 1,898… With about 90% unread.
Fraud? Yes…
Take any prisoner is my motto
- I see something moving on the home page? Bookmark.
- I see a recommendation? Bookmark.
- Supposed just to check stats? Bookmark!
- I see a clickbaity title? Resist a bit… Bookmark!
- I see a story from Bob? Bookmark!!
- I see a story from Bicho? Bookmark!!!
You get the picture; I’m bookmarking all the time as if the end of the world was near. Is it? I just can’t resist. I might as well bookmark nothing in the end, right? All stories are all there sitting for me. They won’t go away. A fresh motherload of interesting stories is coming in every day, our way.
No fear — there is unlimited abundance!
Silly math to prove my nincompoopness
Let’s assume that I read at least 10% of my bookmarked stories. So shaving those out, that is 1,898 * 0.90 = 1,708.2 unread stories (yes, 0.2 counts!). What is the average story read time? Let’s use 4 minutes. So that is almost 7,000 hours, which equates to 285 full 24-hour days of nonstop reading…. Ok, let’s say I can read 2 solid hours per day — JUST for stories? That is 9.36 years… I think I will just delete them all and start over.
Brainwash backwash.
Wait! At the time of publishing, the revised number is 1,997… Hey dude, could you run the math above again for me? I’m busy visiting a doctor.
The Best Part
I do the same with books! I have many, many, many unread new books on the shelf. There is a condition name for that, called Tsundoku (Japanese). Except with the books, CA$HING, they cost every time and they take space… So at least that restrains me… a bit.
Do you agree with the following statement?
A borrowed book is a lost book. — Bicho’s friends
Especially with me, yes. Many, all. They are not lost as such, but they are mine now — all prisoners remember? — and I won’t have time to read those either and I’m NOT returning them to you until I eventually read them (= never). When you lend me a book, ask me for another book — a prisoner that is — in exchange. It’s a good deal, mine are all brand new!
Deal?
The Wall of Shame — Unread Books
When I visit a library… Get out of my way!
There will be a major carnage. I FOMO like there is no tomorrow. The shopping cart becomes a tank. Except after the buying binge, there is no tomorrow for these books. In conclusion, I love books, but I let them compost.
Sad?
After this minor public humiliation, let’s peek into my condition. Where does it come from…
My father’s approach to books
My father loved books and devoured them all without mercy. Unlike me.
No prisoners.
Thoroughly, he underlined, he scribbled — just like you should read a book. He read so much; it’s no wonder he was such a successful and knowledgeable business executive. A high-up executive, sometimes CEO. I love to read the books he paid attention to. I can hear him talking to me through his scribbled underlining.
Why am I suddenly sad now?
My father, while alive, read a lot, and underlined –highlighted! — many. sections If I knew he would leave us that soon — 65 years old, newly retired, was struck by cancer lightning and died within 1 month — I would have insisted that he underlined even more books for me. Stupid thought. Right now, I would hug him so hard I would crush a few thoracic bones.
This passage is important, Son. Re-read this too. — Bicho’s father
He read fiction, non-fiction, comics, and sports. He also taught me that reading about sports (ex: hockey games, events, and some gossip) was an important social lubricant for always having handy topics for discussions. I should have listened. I’m so trucking dry… and I hate babbling about sports. I’m/was on the shy side. The only defense mechanism I found was to look like a completely independent snob, which accentuated my loneliness.
Brilliant! No girlfriends for a while, my friend!
I’m shy but sometimes a public clown
I had other early ailments that constructed my shyness. It started when I was very young. Yup, the dreaded yellow stuff.
Ok, I could have searched bedwetting, only if I knew how to formulate the proper word. Sorry, my mother tongue is French.
Enuresis? Yes! I had a knack for the yellow stuff. No mattress could resist my floods. Every night.
I couldn’t go to kids’ camp — terrorized at the idea — I could not sleep over with friends at their house. I didn’t want them to take advantage of:
Golden showers all night long — Lionel Ritchie.
My poor mother, changed the bed every night. Stuffing the washing machine full of wet drapes. Rinse, and repeat the next day. For many years. Not sure if that resulted because of my bad karma, my son had the same bedwetting issue. I bravely, in solidarity, took care of him every night. My loved father had the same issue too, for many years.
Your genes; your job! — The Sleepy Wife
Speaking about my son, here is what he wrote me when I was in the middle of a conference call and presenting to a group — web meeting. Poor thing, the Wi-Fi wasn’t working for him anymore — his time was up. Look at this picture of his note to me, written in English! His mother tongue is also French. I also got him to learn Portuguese for our eventual…COVID-postponed…trip to Brazil!
In summary: I’m a Wi-Fi dictator — and a nincompoop apparently.
More frauds to come!
Do you still want to be my friend?
People at work (colleagues, customers, partners) think I’m organized (!).
- I’m just a fraud; I’m a messy mess.
- Chaotic creative mess, though.
- At work, I fight every day to keep things organized, filed, and retrievable.
I impressed colleagues with how quickly I can retrieve a document we worked on 2 years ago. I dive into the deepness of my folders and fish for the prize in seconds. They ask me for stuff they can’t find in their own black holes. I help once, and I show them how to fish. Do they ask for a second time?
Now go fishing my friend!
Organized?
Not always…
It’s so bad I need a budget for lost things. But I’m quite lucky sometimes.
- Forgotten cross-country skis. I was with my very young kids, I didn’t lose them at least, ok!
- Sunglasses (twice deep in the lake, twice retrieved — how impossible that was?)
- Coming back from a business trip; I was tired. It was dark in the taxi. I left my two cell phones (personal, and business) on the Taxi’s back seat. Both retrieved!
- Umbrellas. The second most important function of an umbrella: getting lost.
- Mini travel wallet lost at the top of a small mountain in Brazil I had just climbed up and down. STOOOOPID! Go back up, quick. Retrieved!
My colleagues think I’m a perfectionist.
- I’m a fraud — ask my wife about my perfectionism: she will fall off her chair laughing, rolling on the floor.
- At home, I’m a professional botcher, cutting corners with style.
Language learning fraud?
People are impressed that I can speak for an hour in Italian with a complete stranger if they speak slowly enough and refrain from too much slang. Italian is my second weakest language after German — as if I knew German a little. All other ones are solid.
- Look at the fraud: I speak Italian BUT with a Spanish accent! My mother tongue is French! How could this even happen?
Where I’m not a fraud
- I keep my promises.
- I don’t lie. Lying obliges you to lie more to cover your tracks. Then you trip over your own wires. I can’t even keep a straight face when I’m trying to pull my wife’s leg. She sees me coming from miles.
- Speaking of my wife, I make coffee for my wife every morning.
- I do not mind taking the hit for the team.
- Reputation is long to build and easy to lose. It is precious.
- I like and want people to trust me. I want to trust them despite my paranoia (sorry!)
- Blah, blah, blah, I’m the best in the West.
Conclusion
Huh? Half of the Table of Content was not even covered!
Fraud!
I know, I think I went overboard on some topics… ok, quickly then!
The good, the bad, and the ugly
What I like — The good
- Pão de queijo! — Brazilian cheese bread.
- Having time to read books.
- Running full marathons (or half!), hot yoga, squash, trekking, swimming in a lake…
- Learning languages.
- Helping people to learn languages, be more productive — better output, and be motivated.
- Creating, connecting, and finding the path.
- Last but not least, my wife! 🤪
What I DISLIKE — The Bad
- Scammers, liars. Bots?
- Complainers without solutions.
- Plagiarism.
- Selfishness, stupidity, stubbornness.
What I can’t TOLERATE — The Ultra Ugly
On a different level;
- Smokers that ditch their cigarette botch on the beach sand or in the lake, river, pond…(or on the streets) which is one of the worse pollution offenders. I tend to yell at them on the streets. Someday it won’t go well.
- An orange head.
What I want
- Fruitful give-and-take relationships.
- Experience, Mentoring, and Growth.
- Discovering, Learning, Sharing, Teaching.
- Many moments like: Ahhh, Ha! , Aha, and Hahaha.
- Epiphany moments: Chills running down my spine.
Summing It Up
Don’t wait for things to happen.
Make them happen!
The most precious asset you have is your brain: use it, abuse it. In a good way that is!
For this, first shut off:
- YouLube.
- AmStramGram.
- Click tock.
- Facecrook.
- Twiller.
- And your sibling-in-law if they are in your hair.
Do you have any tricks to avoid endless scrolling?
The Big Picture
I would love to connect with you, learn, laugh, share with you, and, especially, grow along with you. More cheesy sentences? Really, I mean it. Not all of you, that is impossible; we won’t all get along, and that is fine, but a good portion of you. For example, if you are a die-hard fan of The Secret, I would advise you to keep the internalization and affirmation tricks but get up from your comfy couch and start planning and acting on your dreams. STOP hoping that “all will come to you from the Universe” with your carefully devised wishful wishy-washy wishes. Get up and act on your dreams, otherwise, you are wasting our collective oxygen. No secret.
Sorry, I had to say it.
Different strokes for different folks…
And for my dear procrastinator colleagues… Stop postponing — mental note to myself by the way. Check this quote from Karen Lamb. I took the liberty to edit for a stronger special effect — aren’t you special enough? A picture is worth a thousand words. Picture this picture with words, and let it sink in.
This image is on my iPad and iPhone background so that every day, every time I open these time-suckers listed earlier above, I’m reminded of what is important, my purpose, my calling, and my dreams.
Doesn’t work every day though…
Now, I see you are getting in the groove. If you (and me!) want to progress out of the procrastination curse, please listen to this excellent TED presentation on procrastination from Tim Urbans. Review every year, every 6 months if necessary. Are you procrastinating on things exempt from a panic monster? Find a way to move ahead.
This is me; this is some of you. We excel at this.
The problem is the instant gratification monkey. My poor defenseless brain thinks the monkey is my best friend. Just nail the sucker for once, put it to sleep, and get to work on your dreams.
NOW!
Do you have procrastinations to solve too? Are you afraid to succeed?
Don’t be scared! Take your full swing and jump!
Write up, heads down!
It’s only part one. Stay tuned for Part II! More real Bicho stuff, fewer frauds.
Many thanks to Natalie for kicking me into re-vamping this one and getting it out.
