Beyonce’s 40th Birthday Triggered Me
I love Beyonce. I feel like we grew up together because as she evolved in her life, it showed in her music, and I related to every phase of the evolution from Boy, I know you want me. I can see it in your eyes to Baby I love you. You are my life to I’m a grown woman. I can do whatever I want to I dream it, I work hard, I grind until I own it.
Tina Lawson, Beyonce’s mom, posted a video where Beyonce answered a question (not shown in the video) that laid out her plans before age 40. From children to a documentary — She. Accomplished. It. All.
I felt jealous. I felt like I have wasted my 30’s. I felt challenged.
Why did these feelings emerge?
Because until my mid-30's, I had been right there with Beyonce, in my own regard, in my career and personal life. For that reason, I never felt threatened by her, which was why I could fully root for her and relate to her. When she appeared multiple times at the Grammy’s, I was appearing multiple times at a conference in my career field. When she was constantly putting out music and making appearances, I was constantly producing and making appearances in my career. I saw myself Beyonce’ing my life and career. We were neck and neck, shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip.
Of note, I’ve never felt triggered by her personal life achievements, such as marriage and children. I’m just not wired to envy that. However, when it comes to career and life purpose, I want to leave my mark so everyone will know I was here.
So, what happened in my mid-30's to take me off my Beyonce trajectory? My mid-30's were spent going through a hostile work environment that dwindled my fire and made me throw up the white flag. I didn’t have a Mathew to fight my battles and manage my career so that I could just focus on my craft. I didn’t have a Tina to style me and keep my spirits lifted with motherly love and advice. I didn’t have an Angie to assist my every need to eliminate my to-do list. I didn’t have a Kelly and Michelle to fill in when I forgot the words. I didn’t have a Solange to fight for me in the elevator to career success.
I didn’t have a team. I don’t have a team. I am my team. I am my manager, stylist, assistant, bandmate, and fighter.
Yet, I’m just like Beyonce. I strive to go above and beyond. I have grand visions with the desire to intricately execute every detail to near-perfection. I do not settle in mediocrity. I almost naturally think of ways to improve and enhance the mission I serve. Besides not having a team to buy into the vision, the greater challenge I faced was being a black woman in the workplace who challenged the status quo. I went from being a target to a threat that was targeted. With no Mathew or Solange around to fight for me, I was left alone to be my defense attorney while trying to be the best leader and professional I could be for the job I was hired to do.
During that time, all goals I had for my life and career went out the window, and honestly, I haven’t written anymore since then. I was in survival mode just trying to make it from day to day, counting every hour of every day and sometimes fighting tears from minute to minute. I had plans to be the Beyonce of my career, but the only thing I owned was the phrase “my career.”
Now, I have a new dream that leads to a new career. Actually, it is an old, evolved dream. This dream allows me to own every bit of it. This dream puts me in the driver’s seat with no authoritative control to tell me when or what to do or how to do it. I get to dive deep and deeper; go broad and broader; strive high and higher.
I hope to get it all done. I believe I am just one action step away from living the life of my dreams and being the impactful person I strive to be. I just wish I had a Mathew, Tina, Angie, Kelly, Michelle, and so on to rally with me to conquer the dream and share it with me once I get there.
So, today, I ask myself, “What would Beyonce do?” I know she wouldn’t sit and dwell on what she does not have. I know she would focus on what she does have — gifts, talents, and opportunities. I know she would find the energy to do what she loves to do. I know she would trust her vision and execute regardless of the circumstances.
However, Beyonce is not me. She does not know what it is like to not have a support system. She does not know what it is like to be alone. She does not know what it feels like to be stuck, wanting to be unstuck…but stuck in a cycle of thoughts, with little action due to a lack of motivation, support, and love to get out of the dismal despair of loss.
So, I stand in the mirror and ask myself, “What would 40-year-old, dream-conqueror ASUS BUTTERFLY do?”
40-year-old ASUS BUTTERFLY’s response: “Cry. Relieve the emotion of what did not work out. Feel sorry for yourself for not having good relationships. Scream in frustration. Pray and cry to God. Then, put on a Beyonce playlist, exercise, and pretend to be her on stage. Dance your ass off. Build up energy and esteem. Take a shower, get glammed up, and knock out the to-do list for today with the same energy you had when you were pretending to be Beyonce. Visualize me watching you and rooting for you as you take the steps today to get to where I am now. Pretend to be me. Take it one day at a time, but the butterfly in ASUS BUTTERFLY will emerge out the cocoon.”
So, I will. I will also revisit my goals to accomplish before 40 and commit my actions to the Lord so my plans will succeed. (Proverbs 16:3 NLT)
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