Beware of Excessive Praise

We all seek reinforcement and encouragement for our efforts — but, be careful how you give it — and how you receive it.

It Starts (legitimately) in the Cradle

As a child, parental approval was vital to our fragile egos. Seemingly small steps were really monumental developmental accomplishments and it was essential to support those efforts in order for them to continue. And so, while the concept of getting a forkful of food into your mouth without smacking yourself in the nose first may be second nature to you and me, for a two-year old it is definitely a praise-worthy event.

As You Grow, the Bar Needs to be Raised

The problem arises when we grow older. Our world expands beyond the cradle and into the class room and the world at large. We are met with a world that is not impressed with our relatively minor accomplishments. We all have to do better than simply manage to feed ourselves in order to find our place in this world and be congratulated for our mere existence.

Praise is Good — When It’s Sincere and Commensurate with the Effort Expended

Legitimate praise — and legitimate criticism — are all part of the learning curve to achievements. The key word here is “legitimate.” While it makes perfectly good sense to congratulate a child for spelling a list of vocabulary words correctly, it would be less appropriate to tell that same child that they are a “genius” or “smarter than their siblings” or “extraordinarily gifted.” Accomplishments of this sort are to be expected from the growth process — to be acknowledged in the moment but rewarded with praise commensurate with the overall significance to the child’s life.

Just enough praise to reward the accomplishment — Just enough encouragement to indicate an expectation of more and better accomplishments to come.

An extreme expression of praise, while it might temporarily boost a fragile ego, can easily lead to an over-inflated ego that starts to exude superiority. Extreme, excessive and unwarranted praise can create complacency and entitlement.

“If I’m so great, why do I have to try harder.”

“I’m better than everybody else. I don’t have to put forth any more effort in order to get my reward.”

“I’m a genius. I deserve the top grade/job promotion/high salary.”

Excessive praise creates an unrealistic view of self-worth and a sense that the world should be indebted to a person who has spent their entire life being told how wonderful they are when, in fact, their true accomplishments may be at, or below, par. There’s a fine line between appropriate and excessive praise. Appropriate praise acknowledges the current accomplishment while encouraging future growth. Excessive praise is treating the first time a child manages to connect the bat with the ball on the playground like they just became the MVP at the World Series. It’s always good to take pride in the accomplishments of friends and loved-ones, whether they are children or adults. It’s also important to express that pride to them. That pride must always be tempered with a realistic appraisal of what it means to attempt a goal and also what it means to achieve that goal.