Mental Health | Boundaries

Better Today

Finding my values, refocusing on myself, and coping with my diagnosis.

The dissonant chords and minor keys that danced in my thoughts have finally progressed into beautiful major keys and melodies. The chaotic thunderstorm that threatened my life has passed and in its place remains a beautiful rainbow. The prison cell around my emotions has been demolished and I am what remains; a vulnerable, honest, and loving person.

For years I have been building barriers around myself. I am the “strong one”, I am the “invincible” one, I am the “successful” one. I dedicated every second of every day (literally) to become the greatest version of myself. I read countless books, articles, blogs — I watched countless videos and Ted Talks — I learned a new skill every single day and never thought to take time to smell the flowers. In my mind I had one life to live and if I wasn’t consuming as much knowledge and information as possible I could never be the greatest version of myself.

The most interesting part about this life I was living is that I truly believed I never felt stress. The reality is, however, that I ensured I was stressed 100% of the time. It became my normal and it was impossible for me to detect.

I never asked for help — because that meant I was vulnerable and “weak”. In my mind, if I needed help I was burdening others and it meant that I could not take on what life required of me — Strong people didn’t ask for help.

In turn, no one asks me for help. I completely severed this essential part of humanity and survival to become “perfect”.

I never set barriers — I took on any challenge and accepted most tasks. It wasn’t worth “hurting” others by turning something down. After all, I was a strong and successful person and was able to conquer anything at any given time.

In turn, when someone attempted to set a barrier with me I was hurt. I ALWAYS did what they wanted or needed, how “rude” of them to turn me down!

This world I built hurt my relationships. This world isolated me. This world prevented me from feeling love, joy, compassion, and closeness — the things I value most in life. I felt alone because I had shut everyone out. I felt alone because I had locked myself away so that I could never be hurt.

Being so incapable of vulnerability meant that when my bipolar disorder symptoms became a problem I didn’t know how to ask for help or tell anyone what was going on with me. How could I be the strong one when there were days when I couldn’t get out of bed? How could I be the strong one when there were days when my blood felt like it was boiling or when I was having conversations with imagined clones of myself?

I built a perfectly imperfect world of “success” and was so scared of it all crashing down around me that I pretended my symptoms didn’t bother me. I could handle ANYTHING by myself!

Then, my nervous breakdown came. I spent nearly a month crying every single day — four hours minimum. One day I cried for 13 hours. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder since age 16. I’ve known that I live with it and I know that I will live with it for the rest of my life. However, my symptoms were mostly manageable and I had an incredible “mask” that I would wear to fit into society.

Years of neglecting my diagnosis and failing to manage my symptoms alongside ignoring my values resulted in my carefully constructed mask shattering all around me.

I have accepted that vulnerability and the ability to ask for help are incredible strengths and are not in fact signs of weakness. I’ve learned and accepted that there are days I cannot operate at 110%. I have accepted that there will be days that my body shuts down on me — or that there will be days that my brain will work at the speed of light — and that's ok.

It’s OK to be vulnerable. It’s OK to ask for help. It’s OK to be yourself.

Take some time today to think about your values in each part of your life. Are you living in line with them? Let me know in the comments below!