Being Unhappy is Very Unproductive
To fix what’s broken, you need to know what’s broken
Being unhappy is being stressed about something. When your mind wants one thing (for example, you crave for sweets) but needs something totally different(for example, you need to work out), it creates a conflict — a conflict you can’t resolve. It leaves you in a state of perpetual confusion. You won’t be able to progress towards your goals. And even when you do succeed, it won’t translate to true contentment. Such happiness is ephemeral. The motivation doesn’t sustain for you to be productive.
Happiness is about finding peace — being comfortable at not being comfortable always.
Actor Sushant Singh Rajput’s untimely demise left us all shocked. He was an epitome of a rags-to-riches story. He had done exceptionally well for himself — he quickly graduated from television to the movie industry. He gave quite a few blockbuster hits in an extremely short span. He was at his peak when he played MS Dhoni(a top Indian cricketer) in the sports biopic — an opportunity, not every new entrant gets so easily. At the age of 34, he had money, fame, success, and stardom.
Why, then did he commit suicide? A question that no one can answer. Neither his family, friends, nor any industry insider. His death led to a lot of speculation. But, the only fact we know is he was suffering from depression for six months before his death.
Undeniably mental health is a vast and evolving topic, and we all need to talk more about it. But this article isn’t about depression or mental health issues.
Happiness — or lack thereof — affects all of us.
What is Happiness?
While growing up, I thought I was unhappy because my life missed any significant action, be it a big achievement or failure. I was steady for most of my life without any substantial ups and downs. I wasn’t sure if I should be happy that I don’t have any notable setbacks or be sad that I didn’t have any striking achievements.
What I lacked was the maturity of understanding the true meaning of happiness. What I didn’t realize was that I was actually at peace. I was content and not stressed about anything. I just lacked perspective. Naval Ravikant, an angel investor, turned philosophical Guru who is widely known for his tweets, says,
‘‘Happiness is Peace in motion and Peace is happiness at rest.”
I was at peace during childhood and as a student, and that helped me to move forward in life. That peaceful mind allowed me to achieve many things in life. Now achievements are very subjective, and it’s big or small based on the baseline you have for your comparison. You can compare it with your peers, your past, or just society in general. I can either be happy about getting promoted at every job I have undertaken so far or be sad that I am not in the Forbes ’30 under 30' list of entrepreneurs like a few batchmates.
But let’s hypothetically assume I were amongst the top 30 most influential people — would that have ascertained my happiness? Perhaps, ‘No.’ My comparison could have been with another start-up personality, making 10x more than I do. Or the college kid who is earning more money on YouTube than I have in my start-up. Comparisons will never end. If only money, success, and fame guaranteed happiness, we wouldn’t have heard of suicide cases of celebrities.
So I dug into podcasts, books, and articles on Medium. Here’s what I found out on why we are unhappy and what causes unhappiness.
Why aren’t we happy?
Mindless status games restrict our ability to achieve long-term goals.
A lot of us might be struggling in this pandemic to be happy, to be content, and to be at peace with ourselves. The pandemic didn’t just lock us in our homes; it has imprisoned our minds.
Mindless scrolling through our social media feed makes us sadder than we are. It is mentally draining. So don’t be surprised if you feel exhausted after an hour of consuming content online, it is because we feel stressed. As humans, our mind gets into a comparison mode, and we see these images of chiseled bodies, exotic travel destinations, mouth-watering food, couple goals, Yoga, cats, and babies. Even when you lead a perfectly normal life, browsing through your social media feed leaves a void.
We form expectations based on others around us. Unfortunately, status games are zero-sum — someone’s gain comes at someone’s loss. There are just a few people at the top of the pyramid, and we all can’t be at the top. In fact, why do all of us have to climb Everest, when there are more than a million mountains in the world. Work towards adding value to the society, helping people at the grassroots level, and contributing towards ecology- collectively, we are all richer, healthier, and smarter than we were in the 18th century.
Increased content results in a reduced attention span.
Apart from the status games we play, social media is also draining us of the mental bandwidth that we could potentially use for achieving our goals. It has reduced our attention span.
One study found out that our attention span has now reduced to just eight seconds — lesser than that of a Goldfish. With such a wide variety of content on the internet to consume, this is bound to happen. But what we seldom realize is that our brains can’t absorb and process at the same speed at which we are consuming content. Do you remember the content you consumed last week or the week before? But do you remember the central message of the recent book you read?
When I binge on Youtube videos or scroll through hundreds of content pages, I have trouble sleeping peacefully. I would process each story I have watched in my half-sleep. I would literally draw associations, ask questions, and organize all the trash I consumed during the day. I soon realized it is an unhealthy habit, and there is no productive gain in watching this plethora of content. It may be all useful information, but I don’t need to know it all.
Social media causes a lot of stress and anxiety. And it’s the sweet poison that we still consume despite the symptoms being apparent — Are you frustrated most days? Is your mind in chaos? Do you have trouble sleeping or waking up? Do you feel overwhelmed with work? Are you struggling to find your purpose?
You don’t have to answer these questions right away. But you can ponder over them the next time you get a chance to be alone with your thoughts.
Society doesn’t allow you to get rid of unhealthy habits.
While we all know alcohol is bad for our health, how many of us can give up drinking. I am equally guilty as you are. And more than self-control, its the fact of not being to socialize with our peers and friends that’s scarier — what do you do when you are invited for drinks — Drink Kombucha? Maybe, but how do you follow the drunk philosophical conversations about life with a sober mind?
Well, if we can’t leave bad habits, at least we can develop good ones, right? I love how meditation has a calming effect. Still, most days, I fail to meditate. I would just say — I don’t have enough time — but in reality, I prioritize something else that I consider valuable — watching Netflix or scrolling Twitter. Everyone’s doing it, so must I. However, strange that may sound, that’s the reality of our times. We might know what’s right and what’s terrible, but it’s challenging to promote the right habits because of what society collectively values.
That doesn’t mean we cannot change. We can; it just requires a lot more work and effort on our side. Naval says, there is a difference between knowing and understanding these ill-effects. When we know the effect of bad habits, we will change as we can’t see that facet of ourselves. When we understand the impact of unhealthy foods on our body or when we know how caffeine hops us up in the morning and then crashes us down at night, we automatically change for the better. I have left caffeine for four months now, knowing how my body reacts to the extended intake of caffeine.
Absence of real social connections
We are all social beings, no matter how self-reliant or introverted we call ourselves. There comes a time when we all yearn for like-minded people whom we can connect to a deeper level. Unfortunately, unlike the virtual world, we are getting increasingly distant from our friends and family. We may have all the wealth, amenities, and power in this world, but we cannot buy relationships, knowledge, and health. The only way to earn these things is by trading our time.
Valuing relationships is vital for leading a successful life. The sooner we realize, the more satisfied we grow in our lives.
An unfit body leads to lower self-esteem.
It’s a cliché, but there is sound science behind this. Physical activities release endorphins. Endorphins help in uplifting morale. When you feel happy, you act happy. In the last 4–5 years, I had a simple regimen — I would workout for roughly eight months and take a break for the next four months.
However, this year the break cost me several pounds and inches. Apart from a paunchy physique, it also makes me feel low and worthless. Being active makes me feel alive. The sweet smell of sweat during the workout motivates me to write, cook, clean — pretty much get on with life.
Losing hope can mean losing purpose.
Our ultimate aim collectively as humankind is to have a better future for ourselves and our kids. We are hopeful that tomorrow will be better than today. So we work, earn, vote, and give birth, and the cycle continues. However, sometimes in this process, we lose faith. We lose our moral compass. We lose ourselves. When we are in conflict with ourselves, we cannot be at peace, and so happiness evades us as well.
When we are waiting for a new movie release over the weekend or have a best friend’s wedding to plan or just meet colleagues over drinks and dinner — you have a plan that keeps you motivated. When your responsibilities overshadow the fun stuff, excitements fades off and weans you out. When you don’t see light at the end of the tunnel, you lose your purpose. It can get very dark and gloomy when you reach this stage of life, but it can be overcome by having the right set of people around us.
Understanding the reasons for your unhappiness will provide you the key to contentment and peace. Define what happiness means to you and then identify and assess which one of the above parameters is the cause of your stress.
- Playing mindless status games means competing for the same pie as everyone.
- Increased consumption of online content leading to stress and anxiety
- Societal and peer pressure restricting us from getting away from bad habits
- Missing real-life connections — the one thing that shapes who we are
- Neglecting physical health, flexibility, and an active mind leading to lower self-esteem
- Losing hope and higher purpose steering life in a direction
“A problem well-defined is a problem half-solved” — Charles Kettering