Why being single is one of the best things that can happen to you

Being single is the perfect time to explore who you are and what you want from your life and romance.

by: E.B. Johnson

Although society goes out of its way to reinforce the importance of romantic love, there is incredible power in being single. As a matter of fact, it’s one of the best things that can happen to you. When you’re single, you have the space and freedom to reconnect with who you are and the things that matter most to you. Your platonic relationships improve, your emotions stabilize, and you can even find parts of yourself you didn’t know existed.

It’s an incredible time of self-discovery and exploration, but it’s a process that can sometimes be uncomfortable. In order to find the joy in our singledom, we have to learn to re-frame the way we think about existing outside the bounds of a romantic partnership. There is nothing wrong with being on your own, whether you choose it, or it’s gifted upon you unexpectedly. Embrace being single and see it as a new and inspiring part of the journey that will lead you right to where you were always meant to be.

Single-hood makes us uneasy.

No matter where you live in the world, romantic love and intimate partnership are extolled as one of the most important aspects of our existence. Some see this is a necessary part of keeping our species alive. While others see it as the cherry on top of what can otherwise be a challenging sundae to ingest. So much emphasis is put on these relationships that it makes finding ourselves single and uncomfortable and uneasy process to bear.

Being single isn’t a bad thing, but it can certainly feel that way. Telling someone that you’re single usually elicits a pity-response, or telling replies of “Aw, you poor thing.” As though standing in the life of complete and total independence is the most horrible thing that could ever happen to you.

Rather than being uneasy and uncertain in our singledom, we have to learn to embrace it and enjoy it for the journey that it is. Some of us choose to be single because we see the value in opportunity. Some of us find ourselves single out of necessity, or out of unexpected circumstances. However you get there, the possibilities are the same. Being single offers us the chance to get to know who we really are and what we really want. This knowledge to hand, we are empowered to change our lives and our futures.

Common lies society tells us about being single.

There are a few common lies that society likes to feed us about single-hood, and it is these lies that fuel our unease and unhappiness in the state. By identifying these lies we can address them and remove them from our psyche and subsequent behaviors and beliefs.

Independence is a curse

Depending on what part of the world you call home, you might find that many of the people around you look at independence like a bit of a curse. That’s because there’s this understanding that to be free is to be fully accountable for all the good and all the bad. It means standing up for yourself and doing all the work for yourself and that’s a daunting idea to many. For these people, true freedom is hard and you should therefore find someone to shoulder the burden for you. In this lie, you remain a victim while giving away your personal power to someone else.

Being single = being too picky

Another toxic idea as it relates to singledom is the idea that being single indicates a person who is too picky. You might have heard this lie from a friend or a loved one after explaining your latest round of break-ups or near misses. The reason this lie is particularly toxic, however, is because it encourages the idea that you should settle for someone and something that is wrong for you; that you should take whatever unhappiness you get at the cost of “fitting in” with someone else’s idea of happiness.

Flawed beyond repair

There’s this idea that if you’re single, you’re somehow so flawed and broken that you’re beyond the bounds of being loveable. This, of course, is completely untrue. While some of us might certainly bear too much emotional baggage and trauma to manage a relationship effectively — a growing number of people out there are single not by flaw, but by choice. We don’t have to be single because other people choose not to love us, or because we’re broken. It’s possible to choose a single life simply because you enjoy it and the company you are able to provide for yourself.

Internalizing guilt

It takes two people to make a relationship work, and in some respects that same could be said for a failing relationship. Even though one partner can certainly hold the primary weight of blame, we have to acknowledge the part we play in choosing the wrong people or allowing their poor treatment of us. This does not excuse the toxic lie, however, that it’s somehow your fault that you’re single, or that there’s more that you can (and should) be doing to attract a romantic partner into your life. You should never feel guilty or shamed for being on your own.

Weirdos need not apply

Perhaps one of the most toxic single-hood lies we get told is that our singleness indicates a “weirdness”. This idea nods its head to the idea that we are too weird or “different” to find someone who will be able to love us. It also feeds this lie that you’re completely alone as a person in the world, and there is no one out there for you on the entire planet. A fact, which just can’t be true when you consider the billions of people who live on this planet (and the absolute extreme examples of humanity that manage to find love on “reality TV”).

Happiness masked as romance

There’s this extremely toxic idea that is especially virulent when we’re single, and it’s that happiness can only be found through coupledom. When you’re single, everyone seems to have advice for you and everyone seems to know a “place you can go” or friend you should meet. These people (though meaning well) see romance as the only true avenue to happiness, so they shove this narrative down your throat…especially when you find yourself single. Rarely do they stop to consider the beauty and power in claiming and accepting your singlehood.

Why being single is the best thing that can happen to us.

Though you may not be able to see it now, being single is one of the best things that can happen to you. When you’re single, you’re free to rediscover yourself in new and limitless ways. You also become more self-sufficient and equipped to explore life as you never imagined before.

Increased resilience

Though having a partner to help us through the hardships of life can be incredibly beneficial, it can also result in a dependence that makes us weak in the long run. When we rely too heavily on someone else, we forget how to rely on ourselves. This becomes lethal in those tough moments when we’re alone with our backs against the wall. We alone have the power to pull ourselves out of those moments and back onto steady footing. When we’re single we are forced to rely on ourselves more and that increases our resilience in life.

Financial security

Romantic entanglements, no matter what stage they might be in, cost money as much as they cost us time and energy. Whether this happens through travel, dates, the splitting of expenses on a home that can accommodate you both — being in love costs money. When you’re single, it’s possible to commit to greater downsizing, or just enjoy a greater portion of your money in personal spends and lifetime savings. Though we don’t always consider it, greater financial security is an upside of living a life lead solo.

Improved relationships

The less time you spend chasing around your lovers, the more time you have to spend nurturing the platonic relationships in your life — like those you share with your friends and your family. Our lives come with a finite amount of space in them, and romantic partnerships can take up a great deal of that space. When that monster of a room-blocker is removed, we are free to reach out and reconnect with the people who bring us peace, joy, and contentment.

Space to think things through

As we open up space for our family and our friendships, we also find that single-hood creates more space for us to think the important things through. We don’t have to rush through a decision, or run it by someone else. When we’re presented with the difficult instances in life, singledom allows us to take a step back and really consider all the options; while weighing what matters most to us. This space is invaluable, and can transform the way we see both ourselves and the options we have laid out before us.

More zest for life

Sure, romance is great and it can make our hearts beat faster, but it can also muddy the waters and make things harder than they need to be. If you are someone who has suffered through traumatic relationship after traumatic relationship, you might find that your zest for life has disappeared. The more space you put between yourself and these toxic partnerships, the more you’ll find that zest returning. That’s because when you’re living life solo, you can live a life that’s defined, determined and filled by you.

Lowered stress

Like it or not, your stress levels can actually decrease when you’re single. This is especially true if you are someone who frequently finds themselves in turbulent or dramatic partnerships. As you remove yourself from this drama, you can find your way back to your natural emotional equilibrium. On this plane is where we find our growth and find our ability to detach, rename and reclaim our behaviors and the patterns that feed our romantic outlooks.

Improving on health

Although unexpected, our health often improves after the breakdown of a relationship. For some, this happens in pursuit of the ultimate “revenge body”. For others, it’s just about filling up the space that their deleted partnerships left behind. Whatever the reasons improving your physical health in your newfound single-hood is a common phenomenon and one that is good for you in a number of ways. The more healthy your body becomes, the more healthy your mind and your emotions generally become too.

How to fall in love with your single-hood.

You don’t have to wallow in your single-hood. You can empower yourself to find the joy in it, and you can empower yourself to find an even greater love in the journey. Embrace the transformation and embrace the ultimate freedom and independence that is awaiting you. Fall in love with yourself to fall in love with your singledom and all the opportunities that are out there waiting for you.

1. Setting up a self-care routine

The first step in finding comfort in your singledom is to create a self-care routine. This doesn’t mean that you do a couple of wine-and-paint classes, or that you set up a bubble bath once a week. Self-care goes far beyond the superficial, and it has great healing benefits. If you want to fall in love with your singledom, start by taking care of yourself physically and emotionally while also prioritizing your needs.

Take that time for date nights and “Netflix and chill” and create space to satiate your needs through a custom self-care routine. Because it’s the easiest to address, start with the physical plane. What are some regular actions you can take to begin taking care of your body — right here and right now?

Once you’ve got a handle on the physical look to the mental and the emotional. What passions or interests can you get reinvested in? What friends can you reach out to? Start rebuilding yourself and your joy. Do it by getting back in touch with things that make you happy. By focusing on ourselves and getting realistic about some good self-care, we can make dramatic changes in the way we see our lives.

2. Re-discovering your passions

Another great way to fall in love with your single-hood is to re-discover those passions that you dropped along the way. Our romantic relationships take up a lot of time and energy in our lives. These lives are filled with finite space, so we are forced to move things around, or leave them behind in order to accommodate our partners. If you’ve found that this partner is no longer in your life, then you’ll also find that you have newly opened space to get back in touch with the things you enjoy.

Spend some time reconnecting with pastimes and experiences that fill you with excitement, energy or interest. If you’re a painter, break out your supplies and start colorizing your world again. If you’re a runner, get in touch with your local running group to find out how you can get involved.

The more passions we re-engage with, the more comfort and security we will find in our independence. Our passions don’t just inspire us, they also instill confidence and help to bolster our support networks. Don’t shut yourself away or close yourself off to all those things which once brought you so much happiness. Invest some time in your passions and find the silver lining in the new time and space that you have for you and your needs.

3. Accepting where you’re at

While the above are great ways to get in touch with the positive sides of single-hood, it’s important not to run away from any negative feelings you might be experiencing too. Losing love is a big deal, and even though it may be a good thing for us in the long-term it still causes us emotional and mental pain. In order to overcome this, we have to accept where we’re at and learn how to take an honest emotional temperature on ourselves.

Step back from the self-care and the passions and take a few quiet minutes each day to just be with yourself and your feelings. Journalling and meditation are both great ways to process your emotions, and to do so openly and without fear of judgement or humiliation.

Accept where you’re at. Accept the full scope of your emotions as they come to you and let go of any shame or fear that you’re clinging to. Allow yourself to be sad, to be angry. Allow yourself to feel cheated or sold out. Set a time limit (five minutes or so) and give those feelings free range until the timer goes off. When the bell rings, it’s time to get go and move. Pay attention to how your body responds and embrace the full scope of where you’re at now compared against where you want to be 5 or 10 years from now.

4. Falling in love with yourself

If you want to fall out of love with someone else, one of the best things you can do is to fall in love with yourself. Being single doesn’t feel like a lonely endeavor when you fall in love with the presence of your own company. This is a companionship that never wavers and that never ends. You alone are the one person who can and will never actually leave you behind. Embrace this truth and you’ll start to see being solo in an entirely new light.

Celebrate your strengths and celebrate all the little victories in your life day-to-day. Look at the skills and abilities that brought you to this point and look back too at all the adversity you’ve overcome. You did that for yourself. No one can claim victory over your survival but you.

Frame these strengths as you would frame them in others. If you would love or respect confidence in a romantic partner, love that confidence in yourself. Embrace your spontaneity. Embrace your outspokenness. Embrace all those parts of yourself as you would embrace them in a lover. The deeper your love grows for self, the more beautiful the journey through singledom becomes and the less you feel the need to rely on others for validation.

5. Figuring out what you want

There is no greater time to figure out what you want from yourself and your life than when you are single. Relationships — no matter how much we enjoy them; no matter how much value they bring to our lives — also take up space and they take away valuable concentration and energy. Now is the time to take that energy and refocus it where it belongs…on building a future that can bring you happiness, fulfillment and meaning.

Stop chasing what other people tell you to chase. Stop chasing people who don’t want to be in your life. Instead, start chasing the things that provide you with excitement, energy or zest for life. Looking for meaning in other people or outside circumstances can only lead to disappointment. That’s because (even in the best of cases) these circumstances are unable to last forever.

Life is hard. It is brutal. It beats us up and spits us out in places that we never imagined. We do our best to make the right choices and pursue the right avenues, but it’s not always possible to tell where the path is going to end. The only thing we can do is get clear on what matters to us and then go after those things with the fullness of our hearts. The full enjoyment in this, however, only comes after we learn how to love ourselves and accept who we are alone, independent, and standing on our own two feet.

Putting it all together…

When you find yourself single, it can be a daunting and uncomfortable place to be. This is primarily because society tells us a lot of lies about single-hood, and forces us into the idea of settling for less than we want. By embracing the journey through singledom, we can find the power to transform ourselves and our lives. This requires bravery, however, and digging deep to reframe the way we see ourselves independently in the world.

Fall into a self-care routine that allows you to reconnect with both your body and your emotions. Nurture your needs and nourish those parts of yourself that got lost in the romantic shuffle. Re-discover your passions and allow those to lead you back into the arms of the people and experiences that can bring you joy and fulfillment. Accept where you’re at and find a way to reframe the experience into a positive opportunity for you. Being single isn’t a curse. It’s a blessing. Celebrate your accountability to no one but yourself, and fall in love with who you are inside and out. When you reconnect with the beauty in this life, you’ll be able to look beyond society’s expectations of you and figure out what you want from both your future and love. Don’t run from your singlehood or rush into the arms of another person. Use this time to revel in you and embrace a journey that has the power to transform you from the inside out.