Being Nice Destroyed My Relationships, Here’s How I’ve Adapted

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und the other person’s needs at the expense of your own. Being nice means avoiding conflict like the coronavirus and striving to defend the status quo, willing things to stay as they are and pushing for everyone to get along.This is not the same as kindness. Kindness doesn’t work to avoid conflict, but instead to transform it into something beneficial. Kindness stands up for truth in conflict, even when it’s challenging. Being kind means understanding and trusting that good relationships are stronger than the conflicts they encounter and that handling conflict in a healthy way is crucial in forming deep relationships.Kindness is clear, honest, and strong. Kindness is less self-sacrificial than niceness, and this is a good thing.During my years at George Fox, I have been slowly discovering what it looks like to truly care about those around me, even when they are challenging and ask a lot of me. Caring about my relationships commits to the best for everyone in them, even when that’s not the easiest path. This has absolutely reshaped the way that I see relationships and handle conflict.Clear is kind, unclear is unkind. This idea was pioneered by <a href="https://brenebrown.com/blog/2018/10/15/clear-is-kind-unclear-is-unkind/">Brene Brown</a>. Being clear with others about expectations and the impact of their actions is the kindest thing you can ever do, especially as a leader. This requires leaning into hard situations and using clear, courageous messages to encourage others, despite any difficulty. This is the way to grow through the conflicts and hard situations life throws at us, rather tha

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n growing around them and weaving their impact into our DNA forever.Relationships need to be built through kindness. Only through kindness, conflict, and honesty can relationships thrive and flourish, becoming life-giving blessings with the potential for lifelong impacts that last a lifetime.Kindness is the enemy of resentment and bitterness and it fights these toxic emotions by addressing issues as they arise. Kindness engages conflict with open communication, honesty, and clear expectations. Kindness helps friendships to grow, while niceness condemns friendships to stay as they are.During my freshman year at George Fox, I was undeniably shown the jarring impact of always being nice and choosing the path of least resistance, rather than prioritizing the health of myself and those around me. I saw firsthand that bending over backwards for others doesn’t build strong relationships. Instead, it allows others to take advantage of one’s generosity and push people to their breaking point. Unlike being nice, clarity and kindness help the best relationships take off like rocket ships.Kindness is a lesson I am still learning, and one that I’m applying to my relationships every day. Clear is kind. Kindness cures the wounds that niceness only hides.2020 is my year of being kind to my friends and loving them fully as they are, of being honest about my own errors, and of showing humility in both strengths and weaknesses while helping others stay accountable to their own goals.This is how relationships grow and thrive. Together, let’s learn and grow.</article></body>

Being Nice Destroyed My Relationships, Here’s How I’ve Adapted

Three years ago, I embarked on an educational journey to George Fox University just outside of Portland, Oregon. My enthusiasm could not be contained, and, from the first welcome weekend throughout the rest of the year, I spent my energy pursuing others, building relationships, and trying to befriend everyone I met. By the end of my first semester, I knew all the young men on my dorm floor and most of the other students in the building.

I bent over backwards for others and pressed to create light, friendly atmospheres that didn’t push anyone beyond their comfort zones. I encouraged surface-level friendships and developed relationships that became unhealthy to the point that I was pushed around like a sailboat in a hurricane because I would not stand up for myself.

I was the nicest that I had ever been.

I equate being nice to being polite. Nice means holding the door for the person behind you or offering someone the last slice of pie. It’s important to be nice, and our world is sweeter because of the nice people in it.

But there are side effects.

Being nice isn’t good in every situation. Being nice in a conflict can involve twisting into knots around the other person’s needs at the expense of your own. Being nice means avoiding conflict like the coronavirus and striving to defend the status quo, willing things to stay as they are and pushing for everyone to get along.

This is not the same as kindness. Kindness doesn’t work to avoid conflict, but instead to transform it into something beneficial. Kindness stands up for truth in conflict, even when it’s challenging. Being kind means understanding and trusting that good relationships are stronger than the conflicts they encounter and that handling conflict in a healthy way is crucial in forming deep relationships.

Kindness is clear, honest, and strong. Kindness is less self-sacrificial than niceness, and this is a good thing.

During my years at George Fox, I have been slowly discovering what it looks like to truly care about those around me, even when they are challenging and ask a lot of me. Caring about my relationships commits to the best for everyone in them, even when that’s not the easiest path. This has absolutely reshaped the way that I see relationships and handle conflict.

Clear is kind, unclear is unkind. This idea was pioneered by Brene Brown. Being clear with others about expectations and the impact of their actions is the kindest thing you can ever do, especially as a leader. This requires leaning into hard situations and using clear, courageous messages to encourage others, despite any difficulty. This is the way to grow through the conflicts and hard situations life throws at us, rather than growing around them and weaving their impact into our DNA forever.

Relationships need to be built through kindness. Only through kindness, conflict, and honesty can relationships thrive and flourish, becoming life-giving blessings with the potential for lifelong impacts that last a lifetime.

Kindness is the enemy of resentment and bitterness and it fights these toxic emotions by addressing issues as they arise. Kindness engages conflict with open communication, honesty, and clear expectations. Kindness helps friendships to grow, while niceness condemns friendships to stay as they are.

During my freshman year at George Fox, I was undeniably shown the jarring impact of always being nice and choosing the path of least resistance, rather than prioritizing the health of myself and those around me. I saw firsthand that bending over backwards for others doesn’t build strong relationships. Instead, it allows others to take advantage of one’s generosity and push people to their breaking point. Unlike being nice, clarity and kindness help the best relationships take off like rocket ships.

Kindness is a lesson I am still learning, and one that I’m applying to my relationships every day. Clear is kind. Kindness cures the wounds that niceness only hides.

2020 is my year of being kind to my friends and loving them fully as they are, of being honest about my own errors, and of showing humility in both strengths and weaknesses while helping others stay accountable to their own goals.

This is how relationships grow and thrive. Together, let’s learn and grow.