Being Alone and Loneliness
The blessing and curse of an INFJ
Today I woke up extremely sad. Uncomfortably so, in fact. I couldn’t, for the life of me, shake the feeling. I am generally really good at keeping my composure in difficult situations. I have also picked up an ability to separate myself from an emotion and view it objectively, so as to find a positive aspect to it and focus on that. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes my patience wears thin and this ability doesn't really shine. But today was not one of those days. I was visibly shook and people noticed.
The thing is, normally, there is a reason for an emotion. You experience something that ignites the feeling. Good or bad, its all the same procedure. But today I could not figure out what brought it on. I just had this sunken sorrow in me from the minute my eyes opened.
Now, you may have already put two and two together by looking at the title of this piece. But allow me to elaborate on some thoughts I rummaged through.
I touched on being an empath in a previous post. To take that further I’ll tell you that I am INFJ. Its one of the 16 MBTI personality types(if you didn't know). Mine is known as The Advocate, and apparently, its extremely rare(even though I know 4 others personally). If you’d like some light reading check out the write up on INFJ at 16 personalities. Learning about the psychological foundations of my personality provided some amazing perspective into my journey. I almost feel like I’ve unlocked cheat codes to an otherwise impossible level in a video game. I would recommend getting a test done to see what you can apply to your process. It really does wonders for understanding why you are the way you are.
Here’s where we dive into my head for a bit. At its core, the emotion I was struggling with was loneliness. Obviously, that sprouts other emotions that reach the surface easier and act as a mask of sorts. Layers upon layers of emotion sometimes build up if the core is not found in time and unfortunately, by the time you realize, mountains have already risen off the surface. Emotional mountains are the hardest to clime, and even harder to dig in to. This is where I found myself today, facing a mountain of misunderstood emotional energy.
Loneliness is something we all struggle with. Everyone has their own take on it. From how they deal with it, to where it stems from, and how it affects other aspects of life. For me, its something quite peculiar.
As an introvert, I choose solitude over company more often than not. It allows me the space I need to reflect and put in the internal emotional work I need to progress. It also allows me the time I need to look after my health and fitness as well as the silence I need to feed my creativity. But the extrovert in me craves emotional connection. I yearn for deep, meaningful conversation. I desire endless debates about ideals and morals, and plotting out the future of the world into the quiet of night. I always find myself flipping a mental coin when deciding what my emotional bandwidth will allow for the day.
“In the past it was easy to choose my extroverted needs as I was substance fueled. There’s no introvert left after ploughing through a mountain of cocaine. The catch though, is that in that realm there’s a lot of talk but absolutely no connection.”
In the hospitality industry it has always been my primary job to entertain peoples needs and make sure they are met. With the utmost care and consideration, no less. It gets to a point where interaction feels forced and regardless of whether or not you are interested you have to put on that smile and make it happen. Your livelihood depends on it. This industry also has a way of sucking you in. For determined individuals(or the less glamorous, workaholic) it can be a proper black hole. There is so much to do, and never enough time. The expectation on human ability is extremely obscured. Often, you end up with 70 hour work weeks and you don’t even know how. When the work finally ends and free moments show themselves its an easy choice to chase the solitude of the mountain tops, or the silence of nature.
In the past it was easy to choose my extroverted needs as I was substance fueled. There’s no introvert left after ploughing through a mountain of cocaine. The catch though, is that in that realm there’s a lot of talk but absolutely no connection. I barely remember any of the interaction from the days of my addiction. So as much as I was chasing the herd, I never became part of the fold. As much as my focus was intimacy and connection I never found it.
The connections I have managed to find and maintain in more recent years serve as a glimmer of hope. A spark that says it wasn’t all failure and that I can still find what I need. Therefore, I try harder. That in itself is not a bad thing. But that determined individual in me is as detrimental as it is beneficial. I throw myself, wholeheartedly, into any possibility of connection. I have made dear friends through this and I cherish what we have built. But I often fall into dark pits where vampires reign supreme. More often than not I find myself drained. Bled dry. An empty husk.
As an empath I become what others feel. I allow people to wear my soul as a shield while I take on the blows they are dealt in order to process them and figure out ways to help. I act as a buffer to some, as a light to others, but my intent is always as an aid. Yet I have no one who is my aid. I have people in my life that I can turn to for advice. There are also those I call on when I need company, or motivation. But I have no one who actively checks on my emotional well-being. It would seem that I don’t have that level of intimacy with anyone. In a world where I try my best to stay positive and spread love and encouragement to all, I am left lonely.
I place unhealthy expectations on the relationships I have because of the ideals that I live by. And when the people in these relationships do not deliver on my needs I feel disregarded and unloved. Am I within my right to feel this way? Yes, and no. My feeling are my own. There is no right or wrong in that. I feel them, therefore they are real. But at the same time the choice of how to deal with my emotions is also my own. Feeling lonely, disregarded or unloved are completely valid emotions. They stem from within me and they rise without any outside influence. We all experience them and we all know that they sometimes have nothing causing them. However, allowing these emotions to develop into resentment and to direct this resentment at someone based on an unrealistic expectation would render me at fault. Therefore, not within my right. It’s a thin line that separates healthy processing and victim mentality.
How do I deal with this dilemma? Its obvious that I do not get all that I need from the connections I have. But how do I guard my heart while I expose it to the world in search of fulfillment? How is this balance kept? How do I carry the torch while I search for a light to guide me? How do I push forward without falling off into oblivion?
These are answers I do not have yet. But what I do know is that I will never find them if I do not try. ❤