Being a Time Traveller Is Not How They Portray It in Films and Books — It’s Like This

Plus 10 events I have seen in the future — hang around and see them for yourself

How I became a time traveller

Many years ago, I came home a bit tipsy. Hunger gnawed at my stomach and inhibitions disappeared up my nostrils with the frothy beer.

I found a block of cheese in the back of my fridge. It looked a bit like this, but mouldier.

I nibbled at it, and it slid down into my stomach, pacifying my pangs. I gobbled half of it down. The spores of fungal metabolites kicked off their shoes and did a dance around my guts, then made their way to my brain.

That night, I travelled into the future.

Time travel isn’t like they depict it on TV. It’s more like sticking your head out a window of a moving train and trying to see into a different dimension through smoke and rain.

My time travel took me to a wedding — none other than Prince Charles and Lady Diana. I told a few friends about my trip — they thought I had been on the sauce.

A few days later, on February 3, 1981, the BBC announced that Prince Charles had surprised a young Diana by proposing. We were indeed in for a royal wedding.

The next day, I ate the rest of the cheese. That night, I travelled into the future again. This time, I saw Ringo Starr banging on his set of drums and looking completely perplexed.

It meant nothing to me at the time, but that November Ringo released Wrack My Brains.

This was crazy. Unbelievable.

After eliminating all the impossibles, I realised there was only one thing left that made my time travel workable — it was the cheese. There was something in the spores of fungal metabolites that transported my consciousness into the future.

I searched the shops for the same cheese. None of the shops had it. It had mysteriously disappeared from the shelves. I tried thousands of cheeses to see if they had the same effect.

I kept telling myself: “What if this is the one? I could make a fortune.”

Anyway, that’s why I’m fat.

I found the cheese

It took years. I had to experiment with the time the cheese matured its mould in the fridge — but I got there.

I can now travel into the future any time I like. These are just 10 events I’ve seen happen in the future.

The future as I have seen it

1. Tomorrow is the 2022 Kentucky Derby. I stood right in the middle of the racecourse and saw the winning horse. I can’t name it, for legal reasons, but you could strike it rich if you follow my clues.
2. In October 2022, there is turmoil in the UK and the government has to do a complete U-turn before it collapses the economy.
3. In November 2022, Donald Trump announces his intention to run for the US presidency again.
4. In December 2022, Lionel Messi almost singlehandedly wins the world cup for Argentina.
5. In February 2023, the USA imagine UFOs in their airspace and employ their Alien Welcome Protocol (AWP) — which involves shooting first, and asking questions later.
6. In March 2023, they indict Donald Trump.
7. In April 2023, I have a bout of gas.
8. In May 2023, the Best singing legend simply passes away.
9. In July 2022, a squirrel takes residence in my next-door neighbour’s garden and it sends my dog barking mad.
10. Vladimir Putin gets ousted from power in Russia by the end of 2024.

The future

As I say, I view these events in a haze. They are not predictions. I travel into the future about once a month.

Would you like me to post about future trips? It’s okay, you don’t need to answer that. I’ve already read what you wrote.

Wait, you still need to write something in the comments, otherwise what I saw in the future doesn’t happen and we end up in a time vortex.

And if I know anything, a time vortex is one helluva difficult thing to shift from your trousers.