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1908

Abstract

t doing it with a western flair?Y’all know how tough that is?It’s like when I’m editing a piece from a writer, and not only is the point they’re trying to make bouncing all the place like a pinball, but some of the sentences these folks write just don’t make a damn lick of sense.How am I supposed to have a snarky cowboy come back for that?Uh, well missy, your letters are really pretty. Did you think about maybe putting them in the right place on this piece of nonsense? Those paragraphs aren’t full of typos; they’re full of type ouches. Oh, now I see what done happened. You got your tongue over your eyetooth and couldn’t see what you were saying. Well, guess what? Neither could I.See? It ain’t all that easy.Now, I’ve never professed to have a stellar command of the English language. I mean, after all, I do speak Texan. But some of these writers seem to go out of their way to confusticate my ass.Tense. No, I’m not tense. Well, okay, maybe just a little, but I’m talking tense as in the present, past, and future tenses.Maybe this is what screws the pooch with some of these “English as a second language” writers. I hate to be the one to tell ya (not really), but there are twelve (12) possible verb tenses one can use in writing. Yeah, you read that right, twelve.<ul><li>Simple Present</li><li>Simple Past</li><li>Simple Future</li><li>Present Continuous</li><li>Past Continuous</li><li>Future Continuous</li><li>Present Perfect</li><li>Past Perfect</li><li>Future Perfect</li><li>Present Perfect Continuous</li><li>Past Perfect Continuous</li><li>Future Perfect Continuous</li></ul>Is it any wonder y’all get this shit all screwed most of the time? Hell, half the time we of the English speaking community screw this shit up. Now I ain’t ab

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out to turn this into a Little Schoolhouse On the Freaking Prairie and make y’all get out your slates and chalk and start practicing, but come on y’all.At least make an effort to get this shit straight. Google the damned things if you don’t know what the hell they are. If you intend to write, then at least make an effort to write right. I mean, right write. Hell, just do the shit correctly, okay?Don’t make me have to T-off on your happy ass, ’cause what you wrote first, don’t make sense, and second, isn’t worth the electrons you churned up sending it in for publication.Hey, shit is great for compost and earthworms.For any publication on which I perform editing duties, not so much. If the only burn you want to feel is that muscular ache between your shoulder blades after an extended period of hammering out your next piece, then listen up.Do your freaking homework, and pass your latest cess pool candidate through Hemmingway or Grammarly and then edit that sucker for real. Dissect that frog (Save me the legs. Where I come from fried frog legs is slap yo mamma good) and take a hard look at the innards.Don’t throw that shit over the wall into one of the publication queues I’m in and expect me to do it for you.Hey, I love all y’all, but I didn’t take any of you to raise.So, for now, this old cow shit, uh er, cowboy, is going to ride off in the direction of the slowly setting western sun, replete with my Rayban sunglasses and slathered up in some Coppertone SPF 50.I’ll read you folks tomorrow.<h1 id="a5bc">Thank you so much for reading. You didn’t have to, but I’m certainly glad you did.</h1>Let’s keep in touch: [email protected]© P.G. Barnett, 2020. All Rights Reserved.</article></body>

SATIRE

Being A Snarky Cowboy Ain’t Actually That Easy

Calling Shots Beneath The Brim Of My Hat

If you’re looking at that there picture wondering how I managed to get myself in the photo, then you may be looking at the wrong side of the photo. First off, the ass end of that horse has got more hair than I’ve ever had in my damned life, and second off, that cowpoke’s expression kinda looks like he had him one too many burritos at the cantina.

Still, this ain’t about whether I’m a gunslinger or the ass end of something (no big surprise there). This is about my latest moniker a writing pal of mine just laid on my happy ass. In my early days here to some, I was known as a “machine,” but that was before my predicament known as the Great Meltdown of early 2020.

Now more lately, I was given the title of “Cowboy of ILLUMINATION,” which either means I was the only cowboy on the publication (more likely) or I was the American West’s version of Gandhi.

Stop laughing. Hell, keep laughing. I’m laughing myself.

First off, I don’t wear a toga, and secondly, I wouldn’t pass up trying to get to a meal even if it was on a motorcycle and speeding past my house. Besides, I’m thinking the only illumination I provide is when I flip a light switch on in my office.

But I got to tell you right here folks, being a snarky cowboy ain’t easy. Yeah, cutting somebody’s legs out from under them with a single comment is one thing, but doing it with a western flair?

Y’all know how tough that is?

It’s like when I’m editing a piece from a writer, and not only is the point they’re trying to make bouncing all the place like a pinball, but some of the sentences these folks write just don’t make a damn lick of sense.

How am I supposed to have a snarky cowboy come back for that?

Uh, well missy, your letters are really pretty. Did you think about maybe putting them in the right place on this piece of nonsense? Those paragraphs aren’t full of typos; they’re full of type ouches. Oh, now I see what done happened. You got your tongue over your eyetooth and couldn’t see what you were saying. Well, guess what? Neither could I.

See? It ain’t all that easy.

Now, I’ve never professed to have a stellar command of the English language. I mean, after all, I do speak Texan. But some of these writers seem to go out of their way to confusticate my ass.

Tense. No, I’m not tense. Well, okay, maybe just a little, but I’m talking tense as in the present, past, and future tenses.

Maybe this is what screws the pooch with some of these “English as a second language” writers. I hate to be the one to tell ya (not really), but there are twelve (12) possible verb tenses one can use in writing. Yeah, you read that right, twelve.

Simple Present
Simple Past
Simple Future
Present Continuous
Past Continuous
Future Continuous
Present Perfect
Past Perfect
Future Perfect
Present Perfect Continuous
Past Perfect Continuous
Future Perfect Continuous

Is it any wonder y’all get this shit all screwed most of the time? Hell, half the time we of the English speaking community screw this shit up. Now I ain’t about to turn this into a Little Schoolhouse On the Freaking Prairie and make y’all get out your slates and chalk and start practicing, but come on y’all.

At least make an effort to get this shit straight. Google the damned things if you don’t know what the hell they are. If you intend to write, then at least make an effort to write right. I mean, right write. Hell, just do the shit correctly, okay?

Don’t make me have to T-off on your happy ass, ’cause what you wrote first, don’t make sense, and second, isn’t worth the electrons you churned up sending it in for publication.

Hey, shit is great for compost and earthworms.

For any publication on which I perform editing duties, not so much. If the only burn you want to feel is that muscular ache between your shoulder blades after an extended period of hammering out your next piece, then listen up.

Do your freaking homework, and pass your latest cess pool candidate through Hemmingway or Grammarly and then edit that sucker for real. Dissect that frog (Save me the legs. Where I come from fried frog legs is slap yo mamma good) and take a hard look at the innards.

Don’t throw that shit over the wall into one of the publication queues I’m in and expect me to do it for you.

Hey, I love all y’all, but I didn’t take any of you to raise.

So, for now, this old cow shit, uh er, cowboy, is going to ride off in the direction of the slowly setting western sun, replete with my Rayban sunglasses and slathered up in some Coppertone SPF 50.

I’ll read you folks tomorrow.

Thank you so much for reading. You didn’t have to, but I’m certainly glad you did.

Let’s keep in touch: [email protected]