Being a Mother Is as Selfish as Being Childless — And We Know Why
We can talk the talk, still the truth can’t be hidden.
Oh, so mothers are procreating for world peace, and not selfishness. I’m learning.
I’m grateful my post, “Childless Women Are Toxic and That Is Everyone’s Problem,” went viral. I’m learning a lot more about women and will like to talk about some of those lessons.
Most women agreed with my point of view on the said post. While some did not hesitate in telling me that they did not choose motherhood out of selfishness.
Wow!
To say I was shocked will be an understatement. I was gobsmacked by the indignation in these women’s reactions. These women believe motherhood isn’t a selfish act.
I must have missed my theology class when the creator of the universe demanded that ALL women MUST procreate to save the planet.
Oh, no!
Why didn’t anyone tell the 3-year-old me that my existence in this life was to puff out children from my vagina because the world will cease to exist– like a vapour, poof! — If I don’t?
Like seriously, I was born to continue the lineage of men with NO BENEFIT for me to compensate for the services I rendered.
Women are martyrs who sacrifice their bodies, minds and souls for the world and mankind.
Isn’t that what selfless people do? They serve without benefit.
I mean if motherhood is a selfless act of humanity, why are we angry about the abortion law when what the law demands is for women to give birth to their child without considering our own health and benefit? We should just do what anti-abortion people want and procreate at our own expense.
I don’t think these women know how self-destructive they sound when they say motherhood isn’t selfishness.
I’m yet to see a woman who gives someone a baby as a duty to her motherhood. You know, like a stranger asks a favor to give him a child. You get pregnant (by whatever means), carry the baby for nine months, and handle him over to Papa right after labor. And you get a thank you (more or less) in return.
Sorry, I had to break down the steps here so we can understand the concept of selflessness.
Come to think of it, why are these women angry at the word “selfishness” when what it means is putting your need before someone else’s needs?
What does selfishness mean and why is it so horrible to admit we are selfish?
According to Merriam Webmaster, selfishness means seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others.
Good therapy describes selfishness better for us. It says selfishness is the tendency to prioritize one’s own desires and needs above the needs and desires of other people. In other words, if you are doing something that some people are against, but it’s what you need, then you are selfish.
This brings me to the trending self-love movement that has taken root in our society. Everyone is practising self-love and self-care with a considerable amount of selfishness.
I mean, we all won’t be living comfortably with a roof over our heads and food on our tables if we sacrifice our money and house to the homeless people, would we?
It’s human nature to think of ourselves first before anyone else.
So if you are working 16 hours a day to secure a comfortable life for yourselves, it doesn’t make you a bad person when you spend your money on clothes, food or vacation. While some people in your neighbourhood are jobless, homeless and hungry.
Your happiness doesn’t have to be someone else’s poison. Whatever decision you make, you have to think of your welfare and happiness first. And that is okay.
Why motherhood is nothing but an act of selfishness
The assertion that motherhood is a sacrifice glorifies womanhood. Mothers are expected to sacrifice their time, career and sense of self for a higher purpose — which does not include their individual life purpose.
When a woman gets pregnant, she becomes public property. Because she’s carrying a continuation of the human species. Mothers preserve the human race therefore we prioritize them in society.
This is very dangerous because it gives people the right to determine what happens to women’s bodies. We already see it happening with abortion laws stripping women of all rights over their bodies.
Boundaries are crossed when we regard motherhood as a selfless act of humanity. Therefore, motherhood is not a sacrifice. Neither is it an act of selflessness.
It is a privilege and a choice we make selfishly and here is some closure for you.
Women procreate to ensure the survival of their lineage
Whether we admit it or not, our genes are passed down from one generation to another through children. When a woman loves her father or mother dearly, she may wish to continue her family cycle by becoming a mother.
Some childless women may wish to be mothers but refuse adoption because their genes will not be the same as that of the child they adopt.
My mum’s friend was 39 years old when she found out she won’t get pregnant. Her marriage was already twelve years old and my mother was pregnant with her third baby.
When my mum advised her friend to consider adoption, she spat out disgustingly. It was as if my mother had suggested an abomination to her. Twenty years later, my mum’s friends adopted two kids (a boy and a girl). To date, she still regrets not adopting earlier when my mum advised her.
Some women would not have been mothers if the child wasn’t their flesh and blood. I heard one woman say that she just wanted to experience pregnancy and have a child that is her husband’s. I imagine this woman wouldn’t have become a mother if her husband was impotent.
Mothers want to prove their worth
It’s no secret that womanhood has been valued by the woman’s capacity to procreate. This is why mothers think they are more valuable than childless women.
At 6 years old, a girl starts her grooming lessons on how to be a wife and a mothers. If you ask most women when they thought of becoming a mother, you will likely hear something in line with “I dreamed of becoming a wife and mother when I was thirteen years of age.”
Now tell me, what does a thirteen-year-old know about motherhood?
At such a young age, we just want to prove to society that we are women because we have no career or personal achievements to prove our worth.
As we get older, that ingrained ideology continues until we fulfil that dream. But if we don’t, we get depressed at the sight of mothers playing with their children.
Although more women have rejected some of the toxic patriarchal cultures that judge womanhood with motherhood, we are still far from normalizing individuality in our society.
Motherhood spikes up happy hormones
We, humans, can do anything for our happiness, including having a one-night stand. Don’t laugh! It’s true.
It’s undeniable that every choice we make is to ensure our happiness and freedom.
If you’ve gone through pregnancy and labor, you will know the experience is a turbulent one. If your baby is breech, you will wish the ground opens up and swallow you when the baby’s head is tearing your ribcage or his feet kicking your spine.
My younger sister suffers from preeclampsia whenever she’s pregnant. Preeclampsia is a condition caused by a rapid increase in blood pressure which results in seizure, stroke, and kidney failure. You can even die from a preeclampsia attack if immediate care is not taken to resuscitate the mother.
Still, my sister endured this life-threatening condition through three childbirths. She almost died giving birth to her third and last baby. She was clinically deceased for seven hours before her heartbeat returned.
Women endure a lot more after the baby arrives.
Think about it. You have no privacy, and no time for yourself. You will risk your life to protect and keep your children safe. You have no vacation with friends or alone because they follow you everywhere.
The most annoying one is that your sex life becomes a mess because you are either too tired or they need you at the nick of time. Damn!
We endure pregnancy and post-pregnancy trauma because of the happiness of watching our babies grow. The joy of sharing little moments with them every day takes our breath away. The bond we share with our children is worth the thousand pain we go through to bring them into this world.
Fear of dying without a loved one by your side
I actually think it’s a weakness to depend on anyone for emotional support. Yet mothers don’t mind laying down that burden on their children. Some even act entitled to their children’s love and support.
A friend of mine was so determined to be a mother that she was willing to risk her life for it. I watched her nurse seven miscarriages and each time she sunk deeper into depression. I wrote about her fifth miscarriage right here.
I got so angry and almost gave up on consoling her. But then, I felt her pain. When I asked her why she continues to hurt herself.
She told me she feels empty and lonely. Her husband has children from his previous marriage but the children stay with their mother.
I encouraged her to start visiting orphanage homes and make friends with the children so she doesn’t feel left out in the motherhood department. She took my advice.
Gradually, she started recovering from depression and decided to apply for adoption. Luckily, she got a baby girl about eight months old and my friend couldn’t be happier. She said, “At least her dreams have been fulfilled.”
I’m not judging her choices, but I can’t go through seven miscarriages to have whatever dream she was breeding in her head. But some women are ready to do anything to avoid facing their fears alone.
We need a healthy dose of selfishness to survive in this cruel world. But we shouldn’t be selfish at the expense of other people. When your desire for something causes someone else harm or pain, that is unhealthy selfishness.
We should get comfortable with knowing that we are all selfish and that there is nothing wrong with choosing our happiness first before thinking of other people.
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