I Am Not Fucking Around When It Comes To This Pandemic

The data is pretty clear: dudes are more likely to die from the coronavirus

The coronavirus has marched across oceans and countries and streets and up nasal passageways and down throats and infected over a million people worldwide, killing almost sixty thousand. The virus knocks on our doors with a skeleton’s fist. I don’t answer. I like the illness where it is: outside. Away from me. A forty-something man.

In New York City, 62% of those who have died from coronavirus complications have been men.

So I know I’m in danger. You’re in danger, too. Science told me so. Until there’s a 100% cure the only 100% cure is to self-isolate and limit human contact. This is the best strategy we have for slowing the spread of the infection.

I am a man who is not fucking around. I listen to the experts. I am rich with beans. The secret knock to get inside my apartment is…. trick question, there is no secret knock I’m not letting anyone in. When it comes to washing my hands I like to imagine tens of billions of viruses all screaming in pain, drowning in soap lather and hot water.

I am taking this plague seriously because I plan on dying of natural causes. My preferred natural cause of death is “quietly during a nap after a sandwich at 90 years old.”

I am constantly reading about COVID-19 because I have a lot of time to read articles that terrify me. COVID-19 is another term for coronavirus. That’s something I know. Here’s what else I know: COVID-19 is killing more men than women. There is ample data from China, Italy, and South Korea that clearly shows the virus is deadlier to men than women. In Italy, for instance, 8% of men died compared to 5% who were women.

In the U.S., the Centers for Disease Control are not keeping track of this data and I wish they would. Thankfully, states are doing it. But I’ll just add that wish to my personal pile of wishes, which also include a humble desire that the President’s know-it-all son-in-law not be put in charge of the health and well-being of tens of millions of Americans. But at least one of the White House’s top doctors, Dr. Deborah Birx, has confirmed that men are twice as likely as women to die from coronavirus.

The research is clear that men are more vulnerable to the coronavirus than women and no one knows why. But there are theories. One says that men are just unhealthier than women and therefore more susceptible to infection. In China, for instance, the majority of cigarette smokers are men.

Another says men just don’t take health warnings seriously. A recent Reuters/Ipsos poll found that 45% of men were “very concerned” about the pandemic versus 54% of women. In the same poll, one out of four men said that people were “unnecessarily panicking” over the coronavirus. These same men are also prone to blaming the media for freaking out the public.

Here’s a story from the media: The first recorded death from coronavirus in Miami, Florida was a 40-year-old man who got sick after attending a beach party.

There’s another theory. A simpler one. The immune systems of women are just stronger. Men may have more muscle mass but you can’t arm wrestle the coronavirus. We’re actually the weaker sex and it makes us crazy.

I want to be Crystal Pepsi clear: if you’re a man, make sure you’re social distancing. Stay inside. I know it’s not manly to be afraid of a sore throat or a hacking cough. But do your best not to be a disease vector. I don’t want to write these sentences but there is just too much proof that men aren’t listening to reason, at least when it comes to the pandemic.

I don’t care if you’re a former Navy SEAL who can chop down trees with his hands. This disease is killing men of all ages. There are plenty of terrifying stories of otherwise healthy dudes developing pneumonia overnight. It can happen to you. I’ll be honest: the odds are you won’t die from coronavirus complications but the risk of being eaten by a shark is low, too. So why go swimming in a bacon speedo?

Sit on your couch for a few months or until you get an all-clear. Then you can go out and do whatever real men like to do, like recreational HALO jumps or giant squid wrestling or whatever.

Do you know what really says “I’m a big strong man” in the year of our Lord two thousand and twenty? Baking bread. Finishing a jigsaw puzzle. Looking out your window while sipping tea from an oversized mug.

You know what says “weak-ass shrimp?” Ignoring warnings from experts. Arguing with strangers on the internet that the public health threat is overblown. Hanging out as if the world hasn’t completely and totally changed overnight. I don’t know if life will ever return to normal but guess what? If it ever does, it’s not going to be anytime soon. Get used to this. And memorize this website: CDC.gov.

Do you know how during medieval castle sieges the enemy outside would catapult plague-infected animal carcasses over the walls? Well, the goal here is to not be the diseased cow. Do not be a moo-derer. That’s a little pandemic humor. I know it’s not funny but I don’t care. The only way to keep tens of thousands of Americans alive is if we continue to try to “flatten the curve” state by state.

I don’t know if you know any dudes who refuse to accept the easily verifiable truth that a highly-communicable disease is overwhelming hospitals but I sure do. And anecdotes of men behaving badly abound.

I saw two dudes jogging along the Hudson River in the distance as I was carefully walking my dog. They were close enough to high-five and you know what? They did. I screamed “you fantastic jackasses” at them from behind a homemade mask.

I know at least one dude who is out and about trying to live his best life. This guy complained that his favorite wine bar was closed on social media. He even met a woman for a picnic date and just to be fair, I’m fairly certain she’s no Nobel Prize winner either.

Bro, if you’re reading this: you are just as vulnerable to this illness as anyone else and even worse, you could be an asymptomatic carrier, which means you could be spreading the virus without exhibiting any symptoms. A classic douche move.

I get it though. I do. I once shot Roman candles off a sixth-floor fire escape drunk because I thought I was invincible. I am lucky I did not fall or set myself on fire. There is an alternate reality where a bored pair of firemen have to put out my burning body splattered on the concrete. But it didn’t happen that night.

I’m lucky to be alive. I think most middle-aged men can make that claim.

I don’t know if it’s biology or social conditioning that makes men think they’re going to live forever. Especially young men. I guess that’s why it’s so easy to talk them into going to war.

If I had to guess I’d say the male appetite for risk is a fun mix of evolution and culture. The species needs to break a few eggs here and there to make the omelet known as civilization. In return, the patriarchy grants men the profound privilege of thinking they’re not subject to the laws of nature. A man does not set off fireworks one hundred feet in the air wasted on Tequila if he truly respects gravity. I was fearless because I was told I could be.

The history of masculinity can be told in the various ways men die: sabretooth tiger, sword, noose, bullets, torn parachute, car crash. “Hey, look at me!” Plague. Being a man is dangerous to your health.