Behavior of an Emotional Manipulator

And how to handle it

Being emotionally manipulated is a trap that many people fall into every day.

Take this for example:

Someone has been asked to make a sandwich, so they make it and set it on the counter. Instead of getting up to get the sandwich, the person who asked for it says, “Can’t you bring it over here to me? Don’t you know what a long day I’ve had?”

Something as simple as this can actually be manipulation.

So, if something that seemingly insignificant is emotional manipulation, what exactly is emotional manipulation?

Emotional manipulation is when someone uses lies, exaggeration, or understatements to distort your thinking, and in doing so, they have an emotional advantage on you.

Clearly this can be dangerous if you ever end up around someone who manipulates in a very toxic way, especially since manipulation can take many forms. Some are very subtle and leave even intelligent people manipulated.

I’m here to make you aware of how people might try to manipulate you. And how you can counter it.

Keeping the power in their environment

I’m making this my first point because it goes along with the example I put in my intro.

Basically this means the manipulator will have you go to them instead of vice versa. The example I used earlier was a bit weak, I’ll admit, because this type of manipulation would probably happen in a different setting. Maybe an office setting and someone has a question for you, but they make you go to them so they can ask the question.

This is a very underestimated form of manipulation. You might not think asking for you to go to them is such a bad thing unless, of course, it is. Bringing the person who is being manipulated into the manipulator’s space gives him/her and huge advantage over you.

Even if it’s not manipulation, I think we’ve all been in a situation where we are called into someone else’s presence. I’m willing to bet you felt like the smaller person in the room, I know I have.

They make you feel bad about your opinion

This is a form of manipulation that can be upsetting and confusing, which is their goal.

If someone makes you think twice about your thoughts or the way you view reality in a negative way, they are probably manipulating you.

They most likely feel a need to be in control and have a superior thought process (if such a thing exists). One of the ways they make you feel bad about your thoughts or opinions is by adding subtle phrases or condescending tones during a casual conversation.

For example, you might express your opinion on politics and they respond with something like “wow, I didn’t expect anyone to think that. Do your friends know that about you?” A simple phrase like this said with questionable tone is more than enough to make you second guess your beliefs.

Another very subtle way manipulators can belittle you is by using facial expressions.

One of the most likely forms of facial expression manipulation you’ll run into is fake uncertainty. When you talk about doing something or even asking a favor of someone, they may express a feeling of uncertainty. Their face will show an I-don’t-know-what-you-mean kind of look. Even if they are perfectly capable of doing the task, they’ll try to get you to give in and do it for them.

They display various types of body language

There are multiple ways you can be emotionally manipulated by body language.

Ever been having a conversation with someone and they start tapping their foot? It could be habit, but it’s entirely possible you are being manipulated. A lot of times, a manipulator will tap their foot or make some other gesture that seems like a sign of annoyance or impatience. In doing this, you feel rushed and could say something or end up doing something you hadn’t intended to.

How about this one- you are explaining a process to someone and they start to tilt their head and scratch their chin, maybe they even squeeze in a little sympathetic nod. Has that ever happened to you? I know it’s happened to me, and if you’re anything like me, you probably felt a little frustrated. This is how they are trying to get you to feel.

When they tilt their head, that’s a sign to your brain that they don’t quite understand what you’re saying, as if you aren’t competent. The goal here for them is to get you to do something for them. Most of the time this tactic is powerful, because now you feel like you need to prove something to that person.

Lastly, a very common type of body language manipulation is shifting body position. By this I mean standing or sitting in a way that makes them appear to be stressed, worried, or depressed.

This strategy is also normally used to get something from you. Either that, or to prevent themselves from having to do something. The goal is for you to see them like that and instead of you asking them to do something, you just do it instead. They can also use this tactic while asking something of you, and with you feeling sorry for them, you decide to do it.

They ask for odd favors

To me, this is one of the most effective forms of manipulation, so it is really important that you are able to spot it.

There are a few different ways a manipulator might try this technique on you.

The first way can be called the foot-in-the-door tactic. Essentially this is when someone asks a very small favor of you. This would be something really simple and easy. After you’ve done that small favor, they move on to something a little bigger. This pattern goes on until you’re doing things for them that you never would have before.

To let you understand this a bit more, it’s a lot like the myth that a frog will let itself boil to death. There is a lot of controversy surrounding this apparent myth, but anyway it goes like this.

If you toss a frog into boiling water, it will jump out immediately. But if you place a frog in room temperature water and slowly turn up the heat, it won’t be able to tell and it will slowly boil to its death.

This is how a manipulator uses the foot-in-the-door tactic. You don’t realize the irrationality of the big favors being asked of you since they started so small and proceeded so gradually.

The other technique can be called the door-in-the-face tactic. This is quite the opposite of the first tactic.

The way a manipulator will use this is by asking a huge favor of you, fully knowing you will reject it. After asking a completely irrational favor, they will ask for something a little smaller.

When they do this, the smaller favor seems way more reasonable, so you might agree to it even if you wouldn’t have in the first place.

Why are favor manipulations so powerful?

Indeed, favors can be a major tool for manipulators, but why?

There is a psychological bias going on behind the scenes that is known as the Benjamin Franklin effect.

Once I explain this, it’ll all make sense.

This effect states that when you do a favor for someone, even if you don’t like that person, you are much more likely to do something for them again in the future.

That seems a little weird, doesn’t it? Here’s the reason for this:

If you feel neutrally or negatively about someone, but you are doing them a favor, a thing happens that’s called cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance means you have conflicting feelings about something. In this case, your conflicting feelings are that you don’t know the person or you feel negatively about them, but somehow you are doing them a favor.

For your brain, the easiest way to resolve this issue, which you might not be aware you have, is to convince yourself that you actually like the person, or are at least accepting of them.

This causes you to be much more willing to do them favors in the future. Like I said before, I think favor manipulation is powerful, so you have to know how it happens so you are able to avoid it.

What now?

Emotional manipulators can drain your time and energy. Sometimes it can happen without you ever knowing.

And by now I hope you realize that it is solely parasitic relationship, that is, one person benefits from it while the other is hurt from it. Take this information and use it so you are able to spot out manipulation when it happens. Being aware of all the different types is important because all of them can be used, and all of them are dangerous.

When you realize someone is being manipulative, try to completely remove yourself from any situations that could make you an easy target for them. If you feel that someone is actively trying to manipulate you, take your time when talking to them, and think through your words and actions to ensure that you are in control of yourself. Always remember, if someone tries to use manipulation, you can win. Stay relaxed, keep a clear mind, and don’t let them get the best of you.