Before You Marry Someone, Look For These 20 Traits

The biggest decision of your life shouldn’t be taken lightly.

We spend a lot of time talking about the red flags to look for in a partner or relationship. But, what about all of the positive signs that someone may actually be different from the rest and give you all that you deserve?

Isn’t that what we’re looking for, anyway? So, why not understand what it looks like so we’ll recognize it when it shows up…?

Here are 20 positive signs that someone just might be the real deal.

(Hey, listen, I know that not everyone wants to get married — the idea here is that someone who does these things and possesses these qualities is a rare catch, a diamond in the rough, the “total package,” if you will. And, when you are fortunate enough to find someone like this, they should be valued and cherished — marriage, or not).

1: They treat everyone with kindness and respect — not just you.

When you’re building a relationship with someone new, they’ll always be putting their best foot forward. They’ll be on their best behavior and do whatever they can to win your affection — as they should.

Note: This effort should be consistent and not fade after the “honeymoon phase” of the relationship, but that’s a conversation for another article.

However, what’s often overlooked is how they treat the people they’re not trying to impress.

The barista, the waitstaff, the bartender, the mailman.

For years I’ve been saying that someone who’s a nice person to you, but not the waiter, is not a nice person. They’re simply putting on an act because they want something from you.

But, if you can observe someone’s actions in all areas of life around all different types of people, and they are kind and genuine with everyone, that is a sign that their true character is one of integrity, honor, and respect.

2: They take accountability for their actions.

“I’m sorry” might only be two words, but it is a big statement.

People who are unable to hold themselves accountable and accept responsibility will never open themselves up to learning or growth, because they think they already have it all figured out.

Spoiler alert: Nobody does.

Nobody is perfect, and nobody is free from making mistakes.

But, that’s okay, because we all do it.

What’s not okay, is blaming someone else for your poor decisions, or refusing to accept responsibility when you’ve said or done the wrong thing. And, it prevents real bonding in a relationship because they’ll always be passing the blame onto you or refusing to change their behavior.

If, though, they’re willing to look themselves in the mirror, admit wrongdoing, apologize to you, and — most importantly — actually change their actions for the better, this is a sign of someone with the emotional maturity to actually build a relationship alongside of you.

3: They respect and honor your boundaries.

Few things are more important than respect in a relationship — and you do not push or stretch the boundaries of someone that you respect. You listen to them, and operate within them.

If you want to take it slow, they’ll take it slow. If you need to communicate more, they’ll communicate more. If you need space, they’ll give you space.

You get the idea.

Persistence is one thing, but ignoring what you want and need and just doing whatever they feel like doing is disrespectful and inconsiderate. A great partner will listen to you, and adjust accordingly.

4: They do what they say they’ll do.

Anyone can tell you what you want to hear, but few people will show you they’re serious about backing up those words with actions…

…consistently.

Trust is built through this consistency, and running hot-and-cold can quickly melt it away.

If, though, you look at how they conduct themselves in all areas of life, and see someone who means what they say (and says what they mean), this is someone who is worth giving a chance to.

Of course it’s impossible to know what the future will bring and how they will (or won’t) change over time, but this is why points like #1 are so important. It’s not just about how they act in your relationship, it’s about the patterns of their past, and the reputation it has created for them.

5: They prioritize your feelings as much as their own.

Part of being in a great relationship is shifting your mindset from “me” to “we.”

You’re no longer making decisions that only affect your life, but that of your partner’s as well. And, kids if either of you have them.

For this reason, entering into a relationship requires us to consider our partner in any major decisions that we make. I don’t mean what kind of coffee you order, but I do mean getting one for them as well.

Checking each other’s schedule before you make a commitment.

Not disregarding what they say just because you disagree.

Feeling recognized in a relationship will be a shield against resentment, frustration, and pain.

6: They put in effort to understanding themselves and others.

I find that one of the biggest things holding people back in relationships is that they’re not happy or fulfilled from within.

They’re seeking external validation, or simply avoiding asking themselves the hard questions altogether.

Who am I?

What do I want?

Who do I want to be with?

What do I really need in my life and relationships?

If someone isn’t willing to understand these things about themselves, they certainly won’t put in the time to understand them about you, either.

But — if they are — that’s when you can create a deep and meaningful bond based on truly knowing each other. Something not many relationships can achieve.

7: They make you feel safe.

Feeling safe in your relationship is about being free of judgment. Knowing that you can open up to your partner, show them the most authentic version of yourself, and be fully accepted.

Not just tolerated — accepted. Free of judgment.

The right person will create that space for you to open up and be fully you. If you can’t do this with the person you’re with — then why are you with them?

8: They remember all of the reasons why you fell in love in the first place.

You’re going to have disagreements, arguments, and conflicts. During the times when you’re most frustrated, train yourself to remember all of the reasons why you’re in this relationship to begin with.

9: They’re willing to have hard conversations.

Avoiding the difficult discussions does more harm than good in the long run.

It may be tempting to “not bring it up” if it’s bothering you — but all that’ll happen is that you harbor those feelings and they come out at an undesirable time, in an undesirable way.

Someone who is mature enough to convey their feelings to you, even when it’s not something you want to hear, is also mature enough to hear you when you do the same in return.

Having these difficult conversations can serve as a bridge, not a wall.

They can bring you closer together as you gain a deeper understanding of each other’s wants and needs.

But, if you avoid them, not only do you create an emotional blockage, but you stifle the growth of the relationship as a whole.

10: They approach conflict as a repair tool.

When these hard conversations are had, there should be one goal in mind: Finding a mutually beneficial solution.

It’s not about placing blame, or unloading your frustrations, or “being right.”

It’s about coming together as a team and finding a solution for both of you.

It’s you two against the problem, not you two against each other.

Find someone who understands that.

11: They learn to frame their grievances properly.

You’re a human too, and therefore will have your own frustrations and complaints at some point during your life.

Effectively communicating these points is the key to being heard rather than starting a fight.

Instead of “Your actions make me upset” try something closer to “I feel ABC way during the times that we XYZ.”

Make it clear that this is about how you are feeling, and that it’s not a personal jab towards her.

12: They’re openly grateful.

They know not to take a good person for granted, because someday, someone will come along and appreciate what they chose not to.

13: They learn your love languages.

Knowing the way(s) that your partner receives love is paramount to expressing it properly.

Acts of service.

Physical touch.

Gift giving.

Quality time.

Words of affirmation.

If you don’t know which of these he/she most deeply resonates with, now would be a good time to ask.

14: They practice patience.

No productive conversations happen when either or both people are wound up and irrational.

15: They acknowledge their own faults.

Nobody is perfect, and partners who are self-aware will be empowered to recognize areas they need to improve upon.

Plus, if someone isn’t honest with themselves about themselves, then how can you trust them to be honest with you?

16: They maintain their own passions and hobbies.

What are some of the things that attracted your partner to you when you first met?

What were your passions, interests, and hobbies?

Are you still doing those things, or have you given them up?

Having your own identity within the relationship is a key piece of maintaining attraction and autonomy. Nobody wants to be with someone is simply a reflection of them. We want to be with someone who we can learn from, grow with, and be inspired by.

17: They’re fully present when you’re together.

Life is full of distractions. Work emails, Instagram notifications, hobbies, chores, family, friends — take regular time to really connect with each other and shut out all of life’s noise. Your relationship will be stronger for it.

18: They compromise.

No great relationship was ever built on the foundation of “what’s in it for me?” When we begin to develop love for someone, we want to see them happy, even if that means putting our own self-interests aside for the sake of theirs. Their happiness becomes our happiness.

Remember — they won’t just become a doormat. There is a big difference between compromise and sacrifice. It goes both ways.

19: They learn your signs.

Not whether you’re an Aries or a Gemini — but the signs you give when you want (or don’t want) something.

Do you want to be left alone when you’re quiet? They leave you alone.

Do you need a hug when you push yourself close to them? They give you a hug.

Do you just want to vent when you say “You know what really bugs me?” They’ll be quiet and let you vent.

Everyone is different, and putting in the effort to understanding what you mean by what you don’t say will help you live in better harmony.

20: They prioritize you feeling seen and heard.

Life gets crazy. Work, bills, family, chores, hobbies, errands…

But at the center of it all, remains your relationship.

I have always believed that your relationship should be a core priority in your life. This is the person you’re pledging your heart, body, and soul to — and your connection with them influences all other parts of your life.

It can put you in a good or bad mood.

It can influence your energy.

It can change how you handle challenges at work.

And, a good partner, in my opinion — will always remember the commitment they’ve made to you.

They’ll do that by making sure you feel seen and heard in your relationship.

If you need to talk about something, they need to be there for you.

If you need them to hear you, they listen.

If you’re feeling distance, they pull you closer.

If you’re feeling smothered, they give you space.

Whatever it is that you need, you should feel that they prioritize giving you space to receive it.

As the old saying goes, don’t make someone a priority if they only treat you like an option.

If you both prioritize each other, though, that’s when the magic happens.

The green flag is waving. Ready — Set — GO.

• My private clients find themselves living more confident, purposeful lives and cultivating healthier relationships with those around them. Click here to book a free call to see if we’re a fit to work together.
• James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
• Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
• James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.