Before Responding to Criticism, Ask This One Question

—A life lesson from a billionaire

“Listen and be open, but don’t let anybody tell you who you are.” —Jeff Bezos

The Amazon founder’s tweet went viral back in October, 2021. I guess when a Billionaire (yes, with over $200B, he earned a capital “B”) speaks, people listen…even when the words come from a man so many love to hate? Apparently.

But this tweet went deeper than the traditional wisdom earned from financial success.

In the Inc. article, “Jeff Bezos’ Viral Tweet Is Only 38 Words, but It Teaches a Master Class in How to Handle Criticism,” Justin Bariso digs into why we might want to listen to Bezos’ advice: it suggests using an emotionally intelligent approach to negative feedback. And while the article explains the mindset behind the approach and gives examples on how Bezos, Amazon and its employees have benefited from his philosophy, one component of the approach is frequently ignored. Even by those who practice emotional intelligence.

But first, it all starts with how we listen to criticism.

The Finer Details to Feedback

While Jeff Bezos is routinely scrutinized and criticized, he appears to listen with an ear for the subtleties found in criticism. The implied question he asks himself and the one question we all need to ask is:

“Does this criticism attack the work or the person doing the work?”

If it’s directed at the work, listen up. Search for the nugget of truth. You may have to look long and hard. It might hurt to hear and it might be painful to change in ways that address the criticism. But don’t give up until you understand how you might grow from the feedback.

Growth might look like a significant change in how you treat others, how you become more productive, or how to improve your skills. Or, if you are getting a refresher in life’s master class on handling feedback, growth can also appear as simple awareness. You start by looking for the chance to grow and nurture a desire to respond to criticism in a healthy way—you listen and are open.

However, if the criticism attacks you, the person doing the work and the essence of who you are, the risks skyrocket for you, your work and those impacted by your work. This type of criticism has tragically silenced powerful voices of change in business, the creative arts and social systems.

Criticism is a Seed

Think of criticism like a seed. Once it germinates, it begins to tell a story. The story might lead to more growth, blooms and eventually a harvest. But if the seed tells a negative story and we allow the roots to grow deep, they can choke out your core beliefs. Then the story is not one of life, but death.

The unhealthy story will suck the life from your core values, making you believe you are silly, stupid and unworthy of success. The seed of a personal attack takes the light, the nutrients and the energy from your motivation, hope and courage. It overshadows these beliefs until, at best, they struggle to survive, and at worst, they wither and die.

In the early days of Amazon, “experts” declared a story that tried to do just that. Their critical words were the seeds of a story that Jeff Bezos himself was silly and referred to him as “just another middleman.” The criticism implied Bezos and Amazon offered no value to consumers. While this 1999 statement is laughable today, imagine the courage and perseverance it took to wake up the next day and continue the hard work of pursuing a dream.

My guess is you don’t have to imagine it. Dreams are interwoven with the unique reason you are here in this exact time and place. At some point, maybe even today, someone criticized your dream. Not your approach to your dream, but the idea itself—the heart-centered goal that is tied to your life’s purpose. That type of criticism is directed at your soul. It can stop every ounce of motivation and determination in you.

If you’re over the age of…four, you understand the pain of words crushing your dream to fly into space, become an artist, write a book, design a robot, or start a company, maybe even one that delivers millions of products to millions of customers within 1–2 days of ordering. And if you have a few decades of life experience, more than one of your dreams may have been choked out by the story that grew from one seed of criticism.

But simply weeding out the criticisms directed at our dreams is not enough. The weeds always return. We need to create an environment for our dreams that allows them to thrive despite the occasional weeds. Dreams grow and flourish when they are directly connected to our core values. When this connection is present, the dream-crushing criticisms cannot survive for long.

Becoming the Master Gardener of Your Dreams

What Bezos and most of us often fail to recognize or articulate is this:

We don’t know or regularly review our core values.

You’ve probably rotated and balanced your car’s tires more often than you’ve checked in and rebalanced your core values.

We “think” we know what our core beliefs are. And if hard-pressed, we can come up with some words off the top of our head. Concepts like honesty, commitment, compassion, creativity, dependability and respect. But if you have to make a decision that pits honesty against respect or commitment against connection, then what?

It’s “easy” when we have to decide between honesty and dishonesty, but when two equally important beliefs meet in the arena of your life, which one will you put your money on to win? Or, is the one most likely to win, the same as the one you want to win?

All we have to do is look at the commitment to work vs. the connection with family or friends. When the boss says she needs you to work late and finish the proposal, will you decide to do it and choose to miss your friend’s 40th birthday party because there will be plenty more birthdays? Or will you decide you value the connection and friendship more than meeting the proposal deadline?

This isn’t a life-or-death situation, which certainly helps. A surgeon would probably decide to perform the surgery and risk the friendship vs. risk the life of patient they swore an oath to protect.

Where have you sworn your oaths? Have you actaully sworn any, or simply given lip service to a few?

The Bezos quote might motivate us to hold firm to our beliefs when facing criticism, especially when it is directed at the essence of who we are, but do you know what you are holding onto?

Do you know what core beliefs will help you decide how to respond when criticism is directed at you?

Reconnecting with your core values

“Your core values are the deeply held beliefs that authentically describe your soul.” — John C. Maxwell

A few years ago, I held a loosely defined list of values adopted by default rather than by design. If this sounds like you, there are two resources that can get you closer to defining your core values. The first challenge is straightforward and can be completed fairly quickly.

Brené Brown (researcher, storyteller, map maker) offers a free, downloadable exercise which involves looking at a list of core values and narrowing the list down to the two you hold most important. Easy, but oh so hard. Two? Yes, only two.

The second challenge is where I started exploring my inner values a few years ago. I discovered the “Ten-Day Experiment,” while reading the book Words can Change Your Brain by Andrew Newberg and Mark Waldman. For ten days, when you wake up and, before starting your day (checking email, social media, having breakfast, etc.), you sit in quiet contemplation. After relaxing your body, you ask yourself one question:

What is my deepest, innermost value?*

*Simply thinking about this question has been shown to reduce stress, improve brain health and make us less defensive and reactive to uncomfortable information.

For ten days, you write your answers and then capture any ideas or feelings that follow. Then, on the eleventh day, you briefly reflect on the exercise itself: What was your initial reaction to this exercise? Was the exercise enjoyable, boring, interesting, annoying, etc.? How long did you spend, each day, contemplating your inner values? Did the exercise have any effect on other aspects of your day? How do you define the word “value?” What did you learn about yourself? Did the exercise influence the way you think about your work and business values?

This exercise was challenging and uncomfortable. I felt enormous amounts of resistance and pressure to “get it right.” I even convinced my husband to join in the experiment because I thought knowing each other’s innermost value would create greater connection. Plus, our discussions ensured neither of us fell into the trap of identifying an “aspirational value” vs a reality-based value. This exercise wasn’t about dreaming. It required honesty and humility, and I knew I needed a reality check from someone who would challenge my self-awareness.

My innermost value turned out to be connection. Not surprising, but it certainly explained my past responses to criticisms. In the years since identifying and claiming this core value, I’ve been more intentional about nurturing my connections. It became easier to make the phone call to a loved one instead of listening to another podcast on “creating connections.”

Knowing my core values reduces the stress, time and uncertainty surrounding important decisions. My decision-making confidence even increased.

I also learned through awareness and observations how criticism didn’t have to damage the relationship with the criticizer. In one case, the criticism of my we-have-a-schedule-to-keep tone led me to carefully weighing the demands and rigidity of schedules. More importantly, it strengthened my connection with the criticizer. They knew how much I valued trust and honesty in our relationship and were willing to step into the arena with me and my weaknesses.

Conclusion

It will happen. The seeds of criticism will fall upon the soil of your soul today, or soon…guaranteed. Start by asking yourself one question:

Does this criticism attack the work or the person doing the work?

Then by identifying your core values, you will be able to quickly and confidently determine how to respond to any type of criticism. And also hold space for your dreams to keep growing.

Get a jumpstart on transforming you life and living into your dreams by downloading my free guide: The Three Starter Seeds.