Before Getting Married Again, Maybe You Should Ask Questions.

What if they say something I don’t like?

I was married for almost twenty-six years. I married a young woman that attended my same high school but was a year behind me in school. My Mom actually introduced us. She checked the first box, she was a redhead.

She checked some of the other preconceived ideas I had. Small (5’2”), thin (98 lbs), and cute. She looked like a pixie. I know what you’re thinking. This was 1965 and most of us men still lived in a cave, at least part-time.

It was the time of the Watts riots in Los Angeles. There were ashes from the fires landing in her parent's front yard. I was in the Air Force in Tacoma, WA.

My Mom had just given me $300 to buy a Triumph motorcycle as long as I promised I wouldn’t marry “that girl.” Did you ever notice that Moms can turn on your girlfriend in seconds if the conditions are right? At least my Mom did. One day great, she’d be good for you and then literally the next day, she’s not the one for you. You can do better, etc., etc. (actually, she was right about that).

My girlfriend (the redhead) calls me from a pay phone to a phone in the barracks. She tells me what’s going on and says she’s scared, she wants to leave but is not sure what to do. I told her about the $300 and said, “That’s enough for us to get married and find a place to live. Do you have enough for a bus ticket?” That was the marriage proposal. All systems were “GO.”

Two days later, she arrives, and that day we were married with only my buddy and his wife in attendance.

The marriage got off to a bad start. Our first night together, I found out that she wasn’t a real redhead. I was greatly disappointed. I made a commitment; I couldn’t go back.

As life went forward, there were so many red flags I could have opened a red flag store. At 50% off, I’d been rich beyond measure.

After our first child was five, her parents and younger sister moved into our two-bedroom 855 sq. ft. home with a one-car garage. I remolded the house and put a master bedroom in the garage. We still only had one forty sq. ft. bathroom.

I tried to quit. I told her Father, you make the payments, and it’s yours. Payments were $200 something a month. He said O.K., and I left. Six weeks later, she kicked them out and asked that we get back together. I made a commitment.

At twenty-five and a half years, we entered counseling at her insistence. At the very first meeting, the therapist asked, “Do you love your husband, Doc?” She turned up her nose, made a face I hadn’t seen before, and said, “Absolutely not.”

Exit, stage left out to the car. I wrote up the divorce terms and gave her thirty days to get out of my house in Los Angeles. I gave her both homes in another city. The deed was done.

Then, I spent twenty-four hours contemplating how and where I wanted to live. I could have moved to a foreign country and run my business from there. Instead, I chose to get a beach house overlooking the pier and the ocean and began enjoying life. I acquired a few specialty cars, and life was great.

Three years later I went on a blind date and met the woman I had seen in my dreams when I was five years old. It was love at first sight for both of us. Knowing this, we both knew we had to go deep to ensure it was right.

Our Process

We spent the first two weeks having dinner and asking ourselves lots of questions. What do you think about this? Have you ever? Where do you see the relationship in five years, ten years, or more?

I had six children, two of them underage. She had never had children.

What if? If they? Could you see yourself? Are you a yeller? Do you hit? Are children people? LOL What if none of them like you? What if none of them like me? Politically, where do you stand? Do you see yourself moving from your home to mine? How do you want to live? What’s the most important thing to you? What’s your relationship with your parents?

I want to be a Mason. Is that O.K.? Oh, and what are your thoughts on religion?

What’s fun for you? What’s the one thing you like to do more than anything else?

These were not easy questions, but we started out saying that we both had to be strong enough to say, “That’s not what I want. I don’t see that in my future. I don’t think I can handle that.”

Any of those would have been a deal breaker. Obviously, it worked out well for us. We’re a team, and no one can beat us. Not the kids, the Ex., businesses, or so-called friends. No one. We are a TEAM.

We’ve been married for twenty-eight years. The kids all see her as the bonus Mom. I see her as SUPERWOMAN.

Questions are the key to success. Understand your foundation; then, you can move forward.

Here’s a cautionary story that goes right along with what I’m saying: