Becoming Miss O’Gyny: A Queer Ally in the Fight Against Misogyny

What happens when a man dresses as a woman to tackle sexism, misogyny and the patriarchy

When the invitation came to perform in drag for the first time, and I was asked what my drag name would be, I spontaneously blurted: Miss O’Gyny!

Everyone laughed at the clever wordplay of turning misogyny into Miss O’Gyny. But the reality is, misogyny and sexism are never funny in any context. Ever.

So I woke the next morning with visceral moral angst: What gives me the right as a white man to talk about misogyny?

I happened to be meeting a journalist friend for lunch that day, who I knew would be able to set me in the right direction. I had quietly hoped she would guide down the path of rethinking the whole idea.

Instead, my friend recounted an experience less than 24-hours earlier where she had been misogynistically attacked at a public event. I will spare you the details here but suffice to say it was appalling.

Her response to my moral question was, Benny, you don’t just have the right to talk about misogyny, you have a responsibility.

Her guidance was direct and compelling, and filled me with both fear and the courage I needed to keep moving forward.

Over the next week I would ask women in my life of their experiences of sexism and misogyny. Scarily, every single person was able to recount a story from within the previous twenty-four hours. Most often these were in the workplace, but alarmingly, some even within their own homes or marriages.

Every story of misogyny added fuel to my fire. For what I also got from these stories was that women in my life are exhausted from having to have these conversations. Between the anecdotes of fear, disgust, and anger was a quiet begging to please do something about this.

Stepping into drag

I was never particularly motivated toward drag and wasn’t quite sure of where to start. A friend connected me to the drag artist, Aubrey Haive (pronounced as if saying, “O, behave!). Aubrey gave just enough encouragement to step into giving this a go.

Drag as a powerful art that uses camp to push social conventions and boundaries of appropriateness. It was the perfect vehicle for me to play with ideas around gender.

Often drag takes stereotypical aspects of gendered beauty and renders them in the extreme: big hair, massive breasts, slim waists, 7" heals. Shapewear, tape and padding are used to minimise unsightly bulges, as if shape itself is not part of feminine beauty.

I knew I would need to push even the conventions of drag. I would not pad my chest, tuck my bulky bits, or shave my face. Miss O’Gyny had to stand proud in anything that defied social conventions around what is determined as a feminine ideal. Miss O’Gyny had to embrace her imperfections.

So, when it came to doing makeup, I invited a group of men to paint me up by laying on the floor and surrendering to the process. My simple instruction was to make me beautiful.

This was a confronting idea for most of the men. They looked at me as if my invitation was somehow a trap. Which, of course, it was.

I wanted the men to really think about what makes a woman beautiful. Does she even need make up? And if she does, how much?

I wondered, what kinds of projections would they paint on my face and body?

As I lay on the floor being ‘made into a woman,’ I invited women to share their stories of sexism and misogyny. Story after story came out. And again, an overwhelming sense of exhaustion around the daily occurrence of these experiences.

How Miss O’Gyny transmuted misogyny

In taking the stage for the first time, I had to tell some stories of what I’d heard from women in my life. Of the prevalence of misogyny and sexism all around us, but how easy it is as men to be blind to it.

The secret to Miss O’Gyny’s power lay in the construction of her name. In English, the prefix O’ means descendant of. Gyny means women.

O’Gyny stands for the powerful truth that we are all descendants of women.

In the personal lives of most people in Western cultures, the patriarchy begins at birth when we are forced to take the name of our fathers. Our identities sever us from the lineage of women who make us and shape us.

I invited attendees to introduce themselves to other attendees according to the name their mother was born with. Then the name their grandmother was born with. Then their great-grandmother, great-great-grandmother, as far back as the name is still known.

I am Benny Steffen. Benny Daniel. Benny Brickwedel. I could go only back three generations. Most people only knew of their mother’s maiden names and had no connection to the maternal heritage of even their grandmothers.

I then told the story of my grandmother — a woman who shaped me and my life in subtle and powerful ways. I asked for everyone attending to share the stories of women who shaped them.

This is a cultural reclaiming of our rightful collective lineage as descendants of women.

A star is born (or something like that)

Okay, star is a stretch. But something powerful happened in this moment.

There was a collective sigh. After stepping off stage, I was overwhelmed by men and women who wanted to share their story.

Men kept coming up to me committing to go home and have a different kind of conversation with their sons and daughters. There was a recognition that they needed to change their own stories.

Women expressed relief to have someone speaking so powerfully and clearly about misogyny. I had somehow stepped into a sisterhood as an ally and advocate. The start of a new journey for me.

Since this day, I have continued to ask women their experiences. Every one of the dozens of women I have spoken to have shared an experience of sexism or misogyny within the previous twenty-four hours — a shocking statistic.

I am now collaborating with a group of women about how to take this work further. Any feedback or inputs are welcome.

Miss O’Gyny is available for weddings, parties, and any occasion where women need solidarity and men need to be challenged.

Thanks to my co-conspirators who supported me and inspired this gender adventure — Mykel, Aubrey, Benny Nic, Karina, and Elena.