Becoming a Water Lily

Or blooming through pain

Going through a relationship with a narcissistic partner is always a challenging journey, marked by a roller coaster of emotions, manipulation tactics, and a whole lot of self-doubt. Having survived almost a decade of ups and — mostly — downs next to such a partner, I feel as if the new chapter I started once we parted ways is not just a self-discovery one but one that also focuses on understanding why I had to experience all of that and, most importantly, how to forgive myself for allowing it to happen and last for so long.

I woke up this morning feeling rested, as trivial as it might sound. Something that hasn’t happened in years and something I longed for. I woke up long before my alarm went off and I didn’t feel the need to go back to sleep or to cover my face and block the morning light from reaching my eyes. I was just happy I was awake, knowing my two daughters were sleeping peacefully in the next room, and, soon, I found myself walking toward the window. And then I just stood there, allowing all that golden light to surround me, thanking the Universe for everything I have. I can see clearly how long and complicated the road to this moment was for me. I know I’m far from healed still but today I can finally breathe. And, what’s most important, my face is turned towards the future now. I no longer turn my head to glance behind at every step, scared of something or someone following me and hurting me.

My morning was a normal one, waking up the girls and getting them ready for school, then dropping them there on my way to work. But the whole time I had this feeling of peace in my heart and all the morning rush that was so unavoidable didn’t even matter anymore. Before dropping them off, I took the time to kiss them more than usual, hold them longer than I would normally do, and take in all their smiles and the little “I love you” they would say before entering their classes. Now I’m still here, in front of my desk, almost 3 hours after this happened and while sipping my cup of coffee and procrastinating, I keep on thinking about how I got to this point today. A day that I didn’t even dare dream about a few years ago when I decided I couldn’t take any more of the abuse. I wish I could go back to that scared self, who was left with nothing but her two children and the clothes on their backs, to tell her that there will come one day when she will smile again and to never lose her faith.

Instead, since I obviously can’t go back in time, I would like to share with you a few things that I believe helped me to get where I am today. Read them, use them, and change them if you need to. Add to them whatever else you feel might work for your situation and remember to take every day and try to make it a good one. Eventually, you will wake up, realizing that good days are there to stay.

One of the first breakthroughs I encountered, once I started on this road, was recognizing recurring patterns of behavior within the relationship that ended. I read books, articles, and studies. I couldn’t sleep for months and months, so instead of allowing ruminating thoughts to destroy me, I turned to reading. I was reading nonstop, and I came to know so much about the way these toxic people function and how to pay attention to every detail. I wish I had all this information years ago and I am sure that these days it’s easier to access all this data so victims of narcissistic abuse can identify it sooner and escape it faster. Now I know that what I thought was love, was nothing but a grand act of trying to lure me in and keep me there. From impressive displays of affection to subtle manipulation tactics, I gradually learned the twisted truth about my narcissistic ex-husband and his dirty game. This realization was monumental in grounding myself and focusing on moving forward while confronting the harsh reality of the emotional exploitation I was subjected to for years.

Gradually, as I struggled to understand the complexities of that destructive relationship, I learned about the importance of setting boundaries. Establishing those clear limits on what is acceptable behavior from other people became the foundation of keeping myself safe in the future, blocking any manipulation or gaslighting. Sure, it’s still intimidating to be assertive and firm when it comes to letting others know about my boundaries. But it’s also rewarding to feel strong enough to speak my mind and say out loud what I now allow in my life and what I don’t.

One of the things I struggled a lot with, in the middle of the chaos I found myself thrown into at the end of that relationship, was being kind to myself, and showing compassion to my own person. I had to re-learn to extend kindness and understanding towards myself, after years of taking the blame for every small or big thing, after being bombarded with criticism and invalidation from the person who was supposed to love me no matter what. It was truly a life-changing process. Embracing my vulnerabilities and accepting my imperfections allowed me to shift towards becoming a more resilient person, patient and caring with my own needs.

Looking back at everything I went through in the last couple of years, I can say without a doubt that it wasn’t easy at all to cope with such a deep crisis of identity. Giving up everything I was, everything I loved, everything that mattered to me for this person who promised me the moon and finding myself alone and broken, at the end of our marriage, was just painful. I had to rediscover myself, find new hobbies, and even nurture friendships I neglected for a long time. I now understand what my value is and I appreciate my true self, flaws and all. And, to be honest, this whole process felt like the most rebellious act that my 30s started with. After all, it resembled a true act of defiance against the suffocating labels and rules imposed by my narcissistic ex-partner.

And I think it’s worth it to mention that it wasn’t easy to be patient with myself during this whole process. After walking on eggshells around a narcissistic partner, who expects you to do everything by yourself, perfect and on time, it was difficult to give myself space. Space and time to heal, to think, to do things slowly, to cry, and to even grieve the life I once dreamed of. But another thing that all those years of abuse and manipulation did to me was that they instilled in me this unbending power and strength. I managed to change the way I look at things and it made all the difference in the way life feels now. For example, I don’t look at setbacks as an instant failure. Instead, I consider them to be stepping stones towards personal growth. And every test I might encounter on my way I believe it’s there to teach me something and make me even stronger than I was.

Think of a water lily, whose roots are deeply set in muddy waters but its flower blooms on the surface of the water and makes everyone wonder how it’s even possible… While the scars of my past may linger, they serve as a reminder, and they are my roots that keep me grounded. Without them, I wouldn’t be here today, and you wouldn’t read these words that I dare to call “my flower”.

So if you feel like drowning in muddy waters today, remember these words: “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” (Kahlil Gibran)

If you like the above story, you can buy me a coffee to fuel my passion and keep me going. Thank you!