Bearing Witness — We Are Each Other’s Eyes

We grow in social contexts through openness and honesty

“Before you judge others, look at yourself first”. “Don’t criticize others, but accept and love them instead”. If you are on the personal development wagon, chances are you’ve heard something like that more than enough times. I used to practice in a yoga school where we used to recite this quote from Sri Sarada Devi: “If you want peace of mind, do not find fault with others. Rather learn to see your own faults.”

The thing is, I find this line of thought inherently flawed.

Let me redeem myself

Before I even get to the role of devil’s advocate, let me redeem myself. It is true we should focus on our own work and path instead of the fault of others. Yes, we live in a society where we don’t stop enough to meditate and observe ourselves. We blame others of everything, we are forever the victims, and never the ones doing wrong. We constantly focus on what is outside instead of inside. We criticize others and gossip. No wonder we also have the saying “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people”. The faults we see in others are often our own projections, and we can use them to look at ourselves even deeper. All true, I won’t even argue with any of these statements.

Now, to the other side of the coin

No matter how much we look into ourselves, we always have blind spots. It is impossible to be self-aware 100% of the time; our minds have some other things to do. Self-deception is a real thing, for everyone. It would be a living hell to catch every single fault we have. I don’t think anyone could do that and keep sane.

Just like fire can’t burn itself, a knife can’t cut itself, we cannot see our own nature fully. We can see certain things others can’t, and others can see in us things we cannot. That is even why some say God had to create duality: if you are all there is, how can you possibly see yourself? We need mirrors. We need each other.

Growth requires social context

Self-improvement does not have to be work to be done alone. In fact, many sides of our selves cannot be seen if we are isolated. Let’s say I have retreated to a cave. I sit and meditate all day long. There is nothing but bliss. Yet, I might, in fact, be the most selfish person in the entire world. But I don’t get to know that unless I am in a social context where that is tested. I need experiences to allow me to be selfish. Without other people, I cannot see my greed. Many of our so-called faults and virtues are social context-based, meaning the real work is in collective settings. For that, we need to see and be seen.

No wonder “bearing witness” is said such a sacred act.

If people don’t tell me what they see, I am losing an important pair of eyes. When I say I don’t like the posture of “not criticizing others”, I think of the possibilities I am missing of looking more into myself through others. Some might say it is egoistic: I want to learn from what other people see in me because I know my eyes don’t have a 360-degree view.

I mean this both for the good and the bad. I recently sent a message to some friends asking them what I am good at. I think I know what I am good at, but I don’t know which of these things are relevant to other people. I assume that what I am good at is normal and that everybody else is also good at those things. I also assume that some of these qualities are not relevant. Every now and then, I need some external feedback.

Previous feedback processes in companies I worked for have given me some of the most important lessons about what to improve on a personal level. These processes were eye-openers. They were also done in a structured and transparent way; everybody knew what they were getting into and why. Which leads me to the other issue we have when it comes to feedback.

Asking

These words of wisdom about not criticizing others expose another true: we don’t know how to receive feedback. We think we are open since we are working so hard on ourselves. Yet, receiving constructive feedback is the real test. How well can we take it? Are we there yet? Or do we feel easily attacked?

Do we even dare to ask for feedback from our loved ones often? Or are we too scared of what may come? Do we prefer to shut our ears?

Giving

We are often too scared of saying the truth. It doesn’t come out right: at times we are not able to say it all and feel something stuck in our throats. Passive-aggressivity rises. Other times we shoot everything right out the blue, in an explosion, and don’t deliver the message with our hearts. This creates a closed environment, where we don’t know how to deal with honesty.

A suggestion for such moments is to ask first. If we want to give someone feedback, we could first ask them “can I give you some feedback?” and allow them to say “yes”, “no”, or “another time”. Who knows what is happening to someone at any given time. Let’s find a time that is actually good for both.

Sharing circle

How about sharing for sharing’s sake? Not to get advice and answers. Just to say what we see, what we feel. Open up more, get to know what others have to tell us about themselves and us.

Do sharing circles. Book a time, sit together. Put a timer. Each person has five minutes to say anything they want to say. Even if they don’t fill up the time, do not interrupt, wait till the time is over. Sometimes it takes a while of conscious intention to articulate feelings. Participants are not allowed to answer to previous sharings. This is not a debate, each sharing is from the heart. At the end of the sharing circle, one can ask the other if they could talk more about something if they wish. Process, integrate what was shared.

Sharing circles are a great way to honor our truth and open a field of honesty without the need to “win” a debate, to “be right”. With honesty, we can build true intimacy.

We are in intolerant times, speaking more than we hear. Not only do we have one mouth and two ears, but we also have two eyes. Experience, see, process and listen. We don’t have to accept everything, we don’t have to change everything based on feedback received. Closing all our senses and connecting to our internal compass is still the primal tool (it is just not the only one).

Without each others’ eyes, without honesty spoken from the heart, progress is much slower and more limited than it could be. For a better society, we can work together on this endeavor. Bear witness to each other and share from the heart. Remove the carpet.

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