Beans On Toast

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Abstract

sounded more aghast. Didn’t I realise, they said, that beans on toast was the very stuff to make them fat, the very stuff to pile on the pounds, the very stuff to be avoided at all costs?Now, I don’t know a lot about fad diets, adhering as I do to the most superior of diets and thus being that most exulted of humans: a vegan, but I was shocked at their response to my generous offer.The way I see it, when a diet rejects beans on toast, that diet is not only on dodgy ground, it is sinking in the mire. That diet is suspect, that diet is deficient, that diet is immoral, misguided, and is on the road to diet wilderness.Consider the lovely beans on toast: low fat, high protein, high fibre, inexpensive, sustainable, moral, delicious, filling, satisfying, dragon-slaying.What is wrong with people? As if it wasn’t bad enough living in a world where people are unwil

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ling and unable to discuss Nietzsche’s slave morality theory, I have to share the air with people who not only eschew but positively denounce beans on toast.And another thing: Unsplash does not have a plethora of beans on toast photographs, in fact it does not have one. I had to supply my own. Shocked again.Forget climate change, oil prices, pandemics. When the world cannot recognise beans on toast as the Food of the Gods, the last vestige of hope for our planet disappears.I should point out that several months later, my friends, having failed to lose weight, (but in trying having gone a strange shade of greeny-yellow and developed the habit of snarling at passersby), ditched the keto. Their keto diet met its fitting end: in the gutter.The lesson of this sad tale?Save the world. Save yourself. Eat beans on toast.</article></body>

Food of the Gods

A couple of friends started the keto diet. They wanted to lose weight, but not give up their Wagu steaks, hamburgers, cheese, eggs, bacon, cream and other high-calorie foods. In fact, they wanted to gorge on those foods and lose weight. They popped round to my place, and it being midday I offered them lunch, which was beans on toast.

‘Beans on toast!’ they cried.

If I’d offered them rats’ tails on a bed of snail shells, they couldn’t have looked more horrified, nor sounded more aghast. Didn’t I realise, they said, that beans on toast was the very stuff to make them fat, the very stuff to pile on the pounds, the very stuff to be avoided at all costs?

Now, I don’t know a lot about fad diets, adhering as I do to the most superior of diets and thus being that most exulted of humans: a vegan, but I was shocked at their response to my generous offer.

The way I see it, when a diet rejects beans on toast, that diet is not only on dodgy ground, it is sinking in the mire. That diet is suspect, that diet is deficient, that diet is immoral, misguided, and is on the road to diet wilderness.

Consider the lovely beans on toast: low fat, high protein, high fibre, inexpensive, sustainable, moral, delicious, filling, satisfying, dragon-slaying.

What is wrong with people? As if it wasn’t bad enough living in a world where people are unwilling and unable to discuss Nietzsche’s slave morality theory, I have to share the air with people who not only eschew but positively denounce beans on toast.

And another thing: Unsplash does not have a plethora of beans on toast photographs, in fact it does not have one. I had to supply my own. Shocked again.

Forget climate change, oil prices, pandemics. When the world cannot recognise beans on toast as the Food of the Gods, the last vestige of hope for our planet disappears.

I should point out that several months later, my friends, having failed to lose weight, (but in trying having gone a strange shade of greeny-yellow and developed the habit of snarling at passersby), ditched the keto. Their keto diet met its fitting end: in the gutter.

The lesson of this sad tale?

Save the world. Save yourself. Eat beans on toast.