Be Your Own Soulmate and You Can Make Sure You’re Happy

Why expect someone else to do it when you might do it best anyway?

I remember my first serious relationship. I was twelve. Okay, it wasn’t really serious, but I thought it was at the time. Only, I met a problem.

My boyfriend — he was fourteen, so mature — sidled over to me, cuddled me, and said, “mine, all mine.”

I was happy until that point. Now, everything felt wrong. His words grated in my head.

“Mine. All Mine.”

My parents raised me to be independent, so the idea I was meant to belong to anyone — like a pet, although that’s questionable, too — didn’t dare cross the threshold of my mind.

And my reaction was instant and physical. I pushed him away, saying “I belong to myself. No one else.”

As you can imagine, that was the beginning and end of our romance. The unfortunate youth, taken aback, fell silent and, after our date, never called again.

But why did those fatal words “mine, all mine” disturb me to the hilt?

I was to discover as time rolled on, my discomfort didn’t fade. Couples who used words of ownership in their relationships bothered me.

Romantic gestures irked me too. Not because they weren’t fun or beautiful but because they were so often contrived and expected. Mostly, they didn’t seem genuine. And often, they were just another way of sealing the deal, as in ‘first, we woo, then we pledge ownership.’

Don’t get me wrong. I married, and we’ve been together for over twenty years. But ownership doesn’t come into my relationship with my husband. Love yes. Ownership, no.

You can own an object, like a car or a house. You may own a mobile phone, a drum kit, or a boat. You can’t own a person, though, and if you try, you head for disaster.

Ownership of a living being is an illusion. In the past, it led to slavery, oppressing women, and other negative outcomes.

It also has something to do with soulmates. Yes. I know. Maybe you dislike what I say but stay with me. I’ll explain.

When you hold the illusion of a soulmate in your heart, you’re in trouble, and so is anyone who enters a romantic relationship with you.

They have so much to live up to, and there are so many ways you can look down on them without really appreciating their fine qualities that aren’t on your inner soulmate list.

Most people have an ideal partner in mind. The reality, however, is no one, unless your list is short and open to leeway, will fit the bill.

Eventually, you’ll learn or have already that you can’t get your nearest and dearest to behave like your ideal.

You must put up with your partner’s foibles, emotional baggage, and weird ways — weird because they were never on your list.

If you stick to the soulmate idea and don’t recognize your faux pas, you will struggle. You’ll suffer, and you won’t be happy.

Expect someone to be your soulmate, and you put them under pressure to fit a model that might not suit them, and you hand them the keys to your happiness, which, with the best will in the world, they are destined to drop down the drain.

You don’t need anyone to be your soulmate. What you want from other people is within reach, inside you.

You can be the soulmate you’ve always wanted. You can fulfill your emotional needs, soothe yourself, provide encouragement, and use self-reflection to glean life lessons.

What’s more, even someone close to the image you’ve created of a good soulmate can’t do the job as well as you.

When I tell people I don’t believe in soulmates, many are aghast. They stare and, like my first boyfriend, fall silent. Maybe, they think I am unromantic or cold, or an unfortunate experience has made me somewhat distant. But actually, I’m warm, romantic in a genuine way, and authentic.

My attitude helps me recognize I am responsible for all those things I would otherwise expect my soulmate to do, which is empowering.

I am in charge of my health and well-being. All my relationships can contribute, which is terrific. But ultimately, when they don’t work out, or I’m alone during setbacks, I’ve always got my soulmate by my side.

I have an instant powerhouse of inner strength because I’m wired to treat myself well, and that’s worth celebrating.

It’s fantastic to have a close relationship with your partner, and hopefully, they spark positivity and joy. They are most likely to do just that, though, if you give them the freedom to be themselves, warts and all, without the pressure to complete you — as though you are broken in two.

You don’t need another half to prop you up because you are already whole. Your partner is that special element that adds to your well-being since you want them with you, not because you need them to stop you from toppling over in a heap.

Bridget Webber writes articles for magazines and websites; she often ghostwrites for professionals who can’t spare the time to pen compositions. She’s written poetry eBooks and is featured in several leading publications.