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Abstract

rn to play in the theater of life.Some of us learn we only matter if we are attractive, powerful, or skilled. Each of us has an ace to play we believe will make us lovable and acceptable.My act was to be known as the answer man. A ‘good boy ‘was a problem solver, a solution provider. This was the model my father, a psychologist, presented for me to emulate.I thought the answer man was my true self. But I did not realize this until many years later. In the short term, I felt a ‘good ‘boy was to comply with parental wishes and follow their lead.<h2 id="561a">Defense Mechanisms to Thwart Intimacy</h2>Whether we admit it or not, we all have our defense mechanisms that hold people at arm’s length; when we decide they are safe and nonjudgmental, we will reveal our inner selves.Some people, like Miller, go through life holding everyone at arm’s length to a greater or lesser extent, even intimate partners and close friends, and thereby miss the joy of a genuine, personal relationship.Miller walks us through his journey from realizing who he is and the layers of emotional protection he has built up. He explains why he felt he needed that protection.He next shows the painful yet freeing process of peeling back the layers and becoming authentic and vulnerable to his fiancé, friends, and mentors.<h2 id="561e">The Pull of Authenticity</h2>As you walk through the process with him, you can almost feel the weight coming off his shoulders and the growing freedom that comes with being authentic without the dysfunctional tics and defense mechanisms.Perhaps you, too, feel that you have developed a false self based on fulfilling others’ expectations. This self has substituted for a more authenti

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c self that you have yet to realize.There are many ways you can begin to be who you are. It is time to change the notion that “fitting in” means being who others want you to be and not who you indeed are.<h2 id="78c7">Getting to Authenticity</h2>To achieve authenticity means not pretending to be something you are not. Your actual self stands because you have given up being fearful of how you present yourself to the world.Many people struggle with the difficulties of being themselves. You must establish trust in the identity you want to present.<a href="The%20Ethics%20of%20Authenticity.%201991,%20Harvard%20Press.">Charles Taylor</a> suggests that each of us has an original way of being human. Each person has their own ‘measure’ is his way of putting it.He states, “I am called to live my life in this way, my way, and not in imitation of anyone else. I am doing this because it is THE RIGHT WAY FOR ME. “Good advice.SummaryAuthenticity is an ideal that warrants serious attention. Many of us develop shameful feelings that hinder our success in life. The better alternative is to stay close to who you are rather than become a reflection of others’ expectations. Don’t pretend to be something you are not. Have the courage to follow the right way for youWant to enjoy more stories like this without restriction? It’s $5 a month, giving unlimited access to all stories on Medium. If you sign up using my link, I’ll earn a small commission at no cost to you.To sign up, go here: <a href="https://medium.com/@sanfmark/membership"></a><a href="https://medium.com/@sanfmark/membership">https://medium.com/@sanfmark/membership</a></article></body>

Be the Person You Are: Avoid a False Self

Integrity and authenticity: push yourself in the direction you want

The introduction of shame and its impacts can come early in life. Without adequate measures to recoup the losses, permanent damage can occur. At the least, a wrong turn may lead you to regret and failure.

Below is an outline of a book by Donald Miller, Scary Close, Nelson Books, 2014. I am choosing to review it here because I suspect many underwent the life journey he describes.

The theme of this essay: when all else fails, go for your authentic self and follow your original way of being.

Everyone is born with a self that is completely happy and healthy; then, something happens that changes everything.

Around the original-born self comes shame. One realizes there is something wrong with oneself. (For me, it was that I was inadequate and inferior, as declared by my caretakers.)

Shame and Hiding

Either you don’t measure up to some standard set by your parents, or you come to believe you are inferior. Shame causes you to hide.

This is a problem because the more we hide, the harder it is to be known. And we must be known to connect with others.

Creation of False Self

What happens next is we create a false self to cover the shame. This is the personality or ‘character’ we learn to play in the theater of life.

Some of us learn we only matter if we are attractive, powerful, or skilled. Each of us has an ace to play we believe will make us lovable and acceptable.

My act was to be known as the answer man. A ‘good boy ‘was a problem solver, a solution provider. This was the model my father, a psychologist, presented for me to emulate.

I thought the answer man was my true self. But I did not realize this until many years later. In the short term, I felt a ‘good ‘boy was to comply with parental wishes and follow their lead.

Defense Mechanisms to Thwart Intimacy

Whether we admit it or not, we all have our defense mechanisms that hold people at arm’s length; when we decide they are safe and nonjudgmental, we will reveal our inner selves.

Some people, like Miller, go through life holding everyone at arm’s length to a greater or lesser extent, even intimate partners and close friends, and thereby miss the joy of a genuine, personal relationship.

Miller walks us through his journey from realizing who he is and the layers of emotional protection he has built up. He explains why he felt he needed that protection.

He next shows the painful yet freeing process of peeling back the layers and becoming authentic and vulnerable to his fiancé, friends, and mentors.

The Pull of Authenticity

As you walk through the process with him, you can almost feel the weight coming off his shoulders and the growing freedom that comes with being authentic without the dysfunctional tics and defense mechanisms.

Perhaps you, too, feel that you have developed a false self based on fulfilling others’ expectations. This self has substituted for a more authentic self that you have yet to realize.

There are many ways you can begin to be who you are. It is time to change the notion that “fitting in” means being who others want you to be and not who you indeed are.

Getting to Authenticity

To achieve authenticity means not pretending to be something you are not. Your actual self stands because you have given up being fearful of how you present yourself to the world.

Many people struggle with the difficulties of being themselves. You must establish trust in the identity you want to present.

Charles Taylor suggests that each of us has an original way of being human. Each person has their own ‘measure’ is his way of putting it.

He states, “I am called to live my life in this way, my way, and not in imitation of anyone else. I am doing this because it is THE RIGHT WAY FOR ME. “Good advice.

Summary

Authenticity is an ideal that warrants serious attention. Many of us develop shameful feelings that hinder our success in life. The better alternative is to stay close to who you are rather than become a reflection of others’ expectations. Don’t pretend to be something you are not. Have the courage to follow the right way for you

Want to enjoy more stories like this without restriction? It’s $5 a month, giving unlimited access to all stories on Medium. If you sign up using my link, I’ll earn a small commission at no cost to you.

To sign up, go here: https://medium.com/@sanfmark/membership