Be the Drug that People Crave

The best advice on winning over people I have ever received

A friend of mine lost his mom recently, and we were speaking on the phone. As someone that knew the darkness the loss of a loved one could leave one in, I wanted to do my bit to shine a light on it.

I listen as he speaks about his mom’s terminal illness and how thankful he was for the lockdown that allowed him to spend as much time as possible with her. “But the pain man.”, in a low tone, he says, “It feels like a chunk of my heart has been blasted off by a cannon.”

As a thinker, the thing I have thought and read about the most is death. I don’t know if it makes me callous, but I’ve come to a place of acceptance with death. I’m at ease in death’s company.

So instead of veiling sympathy under wishful thoughts, I tried to show him a perspective of death that I believed in.

“It feels like a chunk of my heart has been blasted off by a cannon.”

I expound on how human life was filled with suffering and death was the only release. “So, she’s actually in a better place than us.”, I say. I go on about how the universe was deterministic and every single thing that happens had to happen. There was no other way about it.

“You’ve done all that you could”, I continue, “and that’s more than enough of a reason for satisfaction.”

I further explain how negative energy was a potent driver of growth. When I was bullied, I had poured all the repressed emotions into lifting weights and that changed my life. By channeling the pain into something positive, he would honor the memory of his mother and in the future, look back on this phase with pride and respect.

As I conclude, he visibly perks up and with conviction, says, “Yes! It makes sense. Yes, I’ll do that.” I was more than glad and we ended the call, both of us feeling a whole lot better.

What We All Crave Deep Within

As I cut the call, I was suddenly reminded of a certain piece of advice that I had come across long ago — “Be the drug that people crave.” It made little sense then, but it makes a lot of sense now.

We humans at our core are exceedingly simple beings. Once the layers of the ego are stripped away, what’s left is a pulsating desire to be understood.

“Pity is one of the worst things you can shower upon someone.”

When my friend lost his mom, he didn’t want comforting and sympathy that would acutely remind him of his loss. He wanted to be understood and shown a way to climb out of the darkness.

Pity is one of the worst things you can shower upon someone. It’s nothing but disrespect and silently conveying, “I’m sorry that you are in such a state, a state that I would never want to be in.” To quote Psychology Today,

“Pity is a feeling of discomfort at the distress of one or more sentient beings and often has paternalistic or condescending overtones.”

Empathy on the other hand is a show of respect and conveying, “I could be in such a state myself and I understand how you must feel.” Empathy is the drug that everyone craves, and by genuinely providing it, you can win over anyone.

How to Be the Drug that Everyone Craves

“Be empathetic” is easier said than done. When you’ve already gone through a similar experience, then it’s easy but what if you haven’t?

What I do is imagine myself in the other person’s place. The key here is to be brutally honest. It’s easy to say, “Bah! I wouldn’t be as fazed by it. I’m mentally stronger.” but are you really?

Thanks to our ego-centrism, we think too highly of ourselves. And a host of other cognitive biases distort our judgment of things. Despite it being impossible to strip away your biases completely, by being aware of them, you can be more objective.

Of late, research has found empathy to be a skill that can be improved through practice rather than being an inherent quality. This means that you can get better at understanding people, the more you try to do it!

“True empathy comes from a genuine desire to care for others.”

Pretending to understand someone with the ulterior motive of seeming likable won’t work. Of all things, our species has a propensity for being able to sniff out inauthenticity.

True empathy comes from a genuine desire to care for others. You don’t have to be able to understand someone completely, making an effort to do so is enough.

Final Words

Understanding is what we crave deep within and if you are able to provide it, you’ll not only be liked but loved by people.

Empathy is a skill and can be cultivated. So instead of sitting on your high horse and jumping to conclusions based on your pre-conceived notions, truly put yourself in the other person’s shoes.

You won’t be able to understand everyone but strive to do so. Not only will you get better with time but also display a genuine sense of care which is enough in most cases.

“You won’t be able to understand everyone but strive to do so.”

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