Bad Advice? A TBI satirical advice column

Be Proud of Your Body and Show It Off!

You are beautiful for being you. If you want to show off, do it proudly.

Dear Threesome,

I really hope you can help me. I am in a happy established relationship except my partner can be quite conservative. Ever since my idols Ena and Yael have been showing off their bodies on Twitter I have been desperate to join them but my partner says I mustn’t give in to what he calls ‘rampant exhibitionism’ and is very concerned about what his friends and colleagues might think.

What would you do?

Anon, London

Dear Anon,

The new economy is the exhibitionist one. In these days of people having to stay home and socially distance, or prepare for the second lock down as re-opening efforts are causing ICU beds to become scarce in some places and public health officials to warn of further quarantines around the world, people are looking for ways to divert their attention to something more edifying — the human body.

Belle Delphine’s exhibitionist announcement

Trigger Warning: Belle Delphine rides a unicorn! 🦄

But enough about the political-socio-economic state of affairs. People are making money online showing their sexy bodies. I think the stigma of the past is gone. Since employment with a company for life with a sweet pension to tide one over through all of retirement is a thing of the past, people are disconnecting from fear of being unemployed to wanting to become entrepreneurs.

The corporate world doesn’t care either way these days. You are just a tranche of “human capital” no different than a package of 652 suburban sub-prime mortgages sold to Chinese investors.

The money people don’t care, unless it affects their ability to make money. Just look at the bankrupt car rental company that keeps skyrocketing irrationally higher and higher in the stock market so much that trading has to be halted to get people to take a moment to think and prepare for the bubble to burst.

Kim Kardashian showed the opposite effect and profitable nature of exploiting her beauty for capitalistic gain and advantage. She posed naked and gets to meet with the president. She even convinced the president to release someone from prison.

If she had followed the rules and had stayed in her lane working her way up the corporate ladder from entry level, to middle management after 5 to 10 years, to possibly one day getting promoted to be a junior partner, she wouldn’t be hanging out with world leaders and commanding millions’ attentions.

Kim would be on the 13th floor typing up a memorandum summarizing the division’s efforts to increase quarterly profitability in her sector’s market to send the the 17th floor, where they would process it through that management level, to summarize and pass along to the C-suite folks at the penthouse level at a meeting. Or, if her locality hasn’t reopened, making a PDF at home to email to her supervisors who would talk about the concepts in a Zoom meeting with the C-suite folks quarantining someplace comfortable.

I argue she is powerful. More powerful than someone who just wants to remain an anonymous cog in the corporate machine. She has her image to thank for all of her fame and fortune.

Anyway, the only jobs those corporations are creating these days are independent contractor gigs. You can pose naked all day and drive an Uber all night and the corporate shareholders are only going to care if you’re making them money. Both are work, but one or the other (or both) could be satisfying. You will know and be able to make your own conclusion. You probably already know where you fall on the pose / don’t pose spectrum.

So, if you are going to be selling something online — whether it is rides to emergency rooms in your ride share car because people can’t afford an ambulance — or artistic pictures of your sexiness for a decent profit and financial security, I say pick your choice based on what works best for yours and desires.

People really don’t care anyway, but the ones who do will either become patrons and buy your artwork or enjoy your online pictures, or you’ll block and ignore them.

Posing online and celebrating your sexiness is hot now. So, hot that the sites are crushing under the demands of fans wanting to subscribe and take a look.

Daily Dot reports that a famous YouTuber Tana Mongeau jumped over to OnlyFans and caused so much demand that the website failed.

Even Beyonce sang about joining the site in the lyrics of one of her songs, reports Daily Dot.

And breaking news from Emma Austin:

So, if you want to join in with other creatives showing their beauty to people willing to pay for subscriptions, or if you just want to make artwork for a smaller audience, or you just want to celebrate your sexy wonderfulness, I say embrace it fully and enjoy yourself, even if you only share your images with your significant other or just yourself.

💗💗💗,

Love,

Chris

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Chris Hedges is an editor at The Bad Influence, ILLUMINATION and Red Curtain Erotica. You can learn more about me at Unicorn x29.