Be Careful What You Wish For

You just might get it

About four years ago, I started secretly hoping for some larger-than-life event to occur so I could get my shit together. I wasn’t in a tailspin or anything, but I caught myself going down a path of complacency. I had some big projects on my plate that I kept delaying. I wanted to re-route and get back on track.

I thought if something that was outside of my control could take away the things I let distract me, it would force me into a new mindset.

If I didn’t have a choice, I would have to do the things I was avoiding.

It would be the reset I craved.

Cue Covid-19. Global pandemic. Lockdown. Stay home.

While I would never wish for this worldwide devastation, I got what I wanted. I had no more excuses.

After the first few months of adjustment to pandemic life (including new levels of anxiety, a whole other topic), I pushed myself to examine this “opportunity” to get to work.

What do I really want?

I want to find work that provides what is needed for me and my partner and doesn’t take up so much time/mental energy that I feel too drained for anything else.

I want to write. I’ve felt the urge for awhile (as in my whole life) and completely ignored it because it’s not a “realistic life choice” according to the mean voice in my head.

I want to finish my doctoral dissertation. I don’t need the advanced degree for my job but I want it for my own accomplishment. I’ve delayed for years and I don’t want to quit this close to the finish line.

I want more quality time with my parents and close friends.

What are my circumstances?

I am partnered and childfree. The stressors related to parenting during a pandemic were not something I had to deal with. I acknowledge this as a privilege when it comes to this personal growth examination.

My household is stable. My husband and I are good and our bills are paid. I have everything I need.

Hard one to admit: I need help. I like to think I can do things on my own, but I’m entering a big vat of unknowns here. I must reach out and find contacts to learn about things I want to try. I must continue my therapy and mental health work to increase my self-awareness and identify my setbacks.

What’s within my control?

I control my time, learning, efforts, energy, boundaries, and responses. This is not always easy, but I’m working on it.

What’s outside of my control?

Everything else.

How it’s going:

October 2020:

A job I applied for in January 2020 was delayed in the hiring process due to Covid. I interviewed in August/September and started in October. Interviewing and onboarding to a fully remote position (since gone to hybrid work) is a challenge in itself. It is the healthiest work environment I’ve ever been in, ever.

November 2020:

I heard about Medium, thought it might be of interest to me so I joined and started reading. A lot.

I think I could write here! Maybe. Someday. Feels scary.

January 2021:

Started a book club with friends. We started meeting in Zoom (now can meet in person!) and made it every single month in 2021. We are still going — 2022 is the year of non-fiction. So far, so good!

Started another learning group with two more friends. We focus on the deep work of self-awareness, vulnerability, and growth.

June 2021:

Stumbled upon an amazing writing opportunity to share a personal story and get published as a contributing chapter author. In a real book.

September 2021:

Submitted final draft of book chapter, freaked out a bit.

A friend invited me to a retreat for Reiki levels 1 & 2 certification. Turns out, I enjoy that work and the skills to do it. While there, I experienced a lifechanging breathwork session that gave me clarity and a new attitude.

October 2021:

With a renewed sense of purpose, I cold contacted women in my area who do what I’m interested in doing — writing, coaching, or consulting. One woman responded and agreed to meet with me. For free. She shared her path, her lessons learned, and gave me some excellent advice on how to move forward. I am forever grateful to her.

Published 1st Medium article

January 2022:

The book I contributed to was published. I received so much positive feedback and encouragement, not only on sharing a personal story, but also on my ability to write. Motivation!

I turned 45 years old. I am not one to focus on age — I am one to note the reality of time passing. If I want to try new things, time is ticking. Life is both long and short, get going.

February 2022:

Joined Summit 21 (three week writing program led by the amazing Niharikaa Kaur Sodhi). Learned how to organize my writing and put a system together. Got active on Twitter. Tried some new ideas.

Learned about the immense value of a writing community. Met others from across the globe and the impact is immeasurable.

Published 8th Medium article

Major life decision: I want and need space (mental, physical, energy) to write more. For me, that means working less than 40 hours per week. I went to my supervisor, got real, and asked for what I wanted. Things are happening!

March 2022:

Finalized timeline and plan for dissertation completion by December 2022.

Joined Breakthrough Momentum Mentoring (three month program led by the inspirational Ayodeji Awosika). It’s a kick in the ass. Highly recommend.

Published 9th Medium article in a publication I admire: Wholistique.

Used the Write Here prompt to reflect and this zoomed out picture is awesome. Sometimes we get lost in the process and forget to celebrate how far we’ve come.

As I look ahead, I will start working a 20 hour/week schedule by the end of May. The thought of giving all of this a real shot is exhilarating. I am digging deep for courage to take this leap. I feel challenged and ready.

If I could go back and tell March-2020-me something, what would it be?

Be careful what you wish for.

And when you get it, use it.

Let’s go.

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