Summary

The text reflects on the journey of self-discovery and the pursuit of enlightenment beyond societal roles and personal achievements.

Abstract

The author shares a personal narrative from an unpublished memoir, contemplating the question of identity through the lens of spiritual teachings. The narrative recounts a pivotal high school track event that led to a profound realization about the transient nature of personal achievements and the illusion of self that is tied to performance and success. The author emphasizes the importance of awakening from the 'dream of me'—a collection of false identities—to embrace a true self that is unbroken and eternal. This awakening is described as a process of detaching from the ego's need for validation through external accomplishments, and instead, focusing on an inner essence that is immune to the fluctuations of life's successes and failures.

Opinions

The author suggests that the pursuit of unique personal identity and separation from others is a false construct.
Adyashanti's spiritual teaching that enlightenment comes when we wake up from the 'dream of me' resonates with the author's experiences.
The author believes that personal achievements and roles (such as profession, gender, and social status) do not define one's true value or self.
Reflecting on a significant failure in a high school track event, the author concludes that such experiences are crucial in bursting the bubble of ego illusions.
The text conveys that the ego's fixation on performance and external validation is akin to an addictive drug, offering only temporary satisfaction.
The author posits that the true self is indestructible and exists beyond the likes, dislikes, and transient states of success or failure in life.
The author asserts that the ultimate goal in life is to uncover and live in accordance with one's essential nature, which spiritual masters identify as our core purpose.

Be a Soul. Not a Role

Photo from Cedric Johnson private collection — My “Chariots of Fire” moment in high school

(An excerpt from my unpublished memoir “Out of Your Mind — Into Your Heart”)

That Ram Dass title sets the stage for the burning question “Who am I?”

Probable a better query would be “Whom am I not?”

This focus was provoked by a statement by the spiritual teacher Adyashanti that the door to enlightenment occurs the we

“Wake up from the dream of me”

For most of my life that “dream of me” has been a collection of false identities.

The basic tenet of each is that I am unique and separate from all others and the rest of creation.

I’ve heard statements like “you are like your fingerprints, each one unique to you. The usual suspects include my bank balance, parenting, education, maleness, physical capabilities, various professional roles, and even my most dramatic failures.

I should have learned that lesson from a high school experience sixty years ago.

I clearly remember the ecstasy I experienced at age eighteen when I broke my high school record for the half-mile track event. That accomplishment set me up for the regional track meet two weeks later,

I line up for the start of 880 yards run. With adrenaline pumping like crazy at the starter’s gun, I surge ahead of the rest of the competition like some wild horse galloping across the prairie. At the half way mark, way ahead of everyone with an unprecedented time of 56 seconds, I am about to smash the national high school record in well under two minutes.

I only have 100 yards to go. Unexpectedly I fall to the ground in pain with a severe leg cramp. In agonizing slow motion I stagger to my feet and stumble towards the finish line. The other runners catch up to me. My teammate pushes me over the finish, which leads to my disqualification. I collapse again. My chest heaves as I lay on the side of the track gasping for what seems like my last breath. I was vaguely aware of other athletes hovering over me with anxious questions like “Are you OK?”

The soundtrack drowning my heaving breathing is not some inspiring “Chariots of Fire” music that drove me to run out of breath. Rather it is a depressing dirge played over and over in my mind for years to come. It left me sick in the pit of my stomach as I repeatedly asked “What if?”

And “If only!” “If only I had warmed up for the race properly”; “If only I had paced myself better on the first lap”; “If only I did not have a go for the gold mentality in all that I do.”

Where did this “my life-depends-on-my performance” craving develop?

Where did I learn that I am what I do and achieve?

At the time of the race I did not have a clue as to what drove me other than the desire to win and win big. In those days I never linked my performance to my value as a person, but that sure was my MO in later years. I sometimes call it my ego swagger. Many life lessons caused me to crash and burn in the decades ahead.

I seem to have a Ph.D. in failure.

Each incident pricked the bubble of my ego illusions. The shelf life of my “I am my doctorate in psychology,” “I am the books that I publish,” “I am my global consulting experience,” or “I am my white male entitlement” had a much-dreaded expiration date.

Decades later that I still agonized over questions like,

“What if I had not fallen that day and became the national champion?” “Would that have really changed the direction of my life?”

It has only been in recent years that I concluded, “You are not the sum of your likes or dislikes or failure and success in life.

The problem with performance-based living is that it’s drug-like ego-fix.

I squirreled away a stash of achievements in case the detox from my ego becomes too painful. Ego-fixes come in all shapes and sizes. My achievements reinforced the lie I told myself with questions like “How many likes did I get on my blog? What was the size of my audience? Did people like what I did on that project?” Those are typical preoccupations of a stage personality that distract from the world of my true self that cannot be broken.

It is impervious to hurt and remains whole and intact both in this life and beyond. That “home” needs no improvement program. All masters of the spirit declare that our chief purpose in life is to discover and live out this essence.

That false self is fool’s gold and not the real thing.