Barely Surviving The Single-Parent Empty Nest

And why Empty Nest Syndrome is so much worse for singles

I wasn’t ready for the single-parent empty nest. Not at all.

My teenage children were my favorite people in life. They were way more fun than I am.

My son taught me how to use a computer. I tested out of a computer class because of him. Because of him, I became involved with Cub Scouts and made some great friends.

My daughters loved theater and singing.

I joined the music ministry at church with my daughters and met some wonderful people.

I accompanied my oldest daughter on the piano when she sang at church weddings. Because of her, I met Debby Boone when my daughter was in “The Sound of Music” at the Palace Theater with her. Our family had a fun vacation because of her show.

My two middle daughters landed a manager for acting. We often had to travel to NYC because of their auditions. And I love NYC. It made me feel alive. Life was exciting and fun. We’d stop and see a Broadway musical while we were there.

My youngest daughter was cast in a community theater production of “Annie Warbucks” and talked the director into letting me audition. I had the time of my life acting a small role in a play with my daughter. I’ll never forget it. It was a great way to spend time with her.

I loved going to school band and choir concerts to hear my children play instruments and sing.

I volunteered to stuff envelopes at theaters, took photos, and did public relations for the Cub Scouts, theater productions, and the PTA.

My house was filled with music and laughter. My children had some great friends who would often come over. They became family friends.

Children and a menagerie of pets defined my life.

And then they were gone

One by one they headed off to college. And only the youngest attended college in the same state. Why? Because they followed their dreams.

Other parents told me I was crazy to let them attend colleges out of state or study in a foreign country. They told me they wouldn’t allow their son or daughter to apply to a college in another state. I didn’t listen to them.

I was not going to stand in the way of their dreams. So I let them apply for scholarships to study abroad. One went to Germany, another to Japan, and another to Egypt.

And I’m not sorry, because they all have great jobs today because of it.

I miss them every day

We have family texting threads. We FaceTime. We visit.

But it’s not the same. The house feels empty without them. They were lively fun people.

And I love my cat, but honestly, there’s a limit to how much fun you can have watching an animal attack lights on the wall or leaping in the air to swat at his toys.

Being a single parent empty-nester hits harder

There’s a bond you have with your children that is like no other. Especially when you’re a single Mom.

There are all types of single Moms. Some are never married and some are divorced or widowed. But it’s all the same in the end because unless you have an amazing ex, you’re raising them alone.

And let's face it, many of us don’t.

You are the one feeding them, sheltering them, and hugging them when they scrape their knee.

You’re the one who deals with pediatricians and makes sure they get checkups.

You are the one buying them clothes and driving them to school.

And you’re doing it all alone.

When awful things happen, you don't get someone to lean on. You deal with it alone.

As they get older, you’re the one worrying if they’re bullied at school. There’s no one there to ease your anxiety and hug you.

You’re their chaperone on trips.

You are the one applauding them from the front row at their school play.

And moms aren’t the only ones dealing with this. There are single Dads too, trying to do it all with no help.

Raising children alone becomes your entire world. And when they’re gone, the loneliness slams into you and takes your breath away.

Raising children was your identity. And when children move out, many single parents face the loss of their identity, loneliness, and depression.

I grieved the loss of their presence

When I hear mothers nowadays complaining about having to chauffer their active children all over the place, I want to tell them this:

Stop! You are only going to have them for a few years. And it will go by so fast you’ll wonder what happened.

Someday you’re going to miss this. You’re going to miss watching their soccer games and horseback riding lessons. You’re going to miss chatting with other parents at theater rehearsals.

You're going to miss their singing around the house, and even their sibling squabbles. You’ll even miss them practicing the saxophone.

At night you’ll lay in your bed feeling nervous every time you hear a creak or a strange sound in your house. Because your evenings will be quiet.

And when you get sick or hurt there’s no one at home to save you.

Unlike married empty nesters, you won’t have a brave partner ready to protect you in your home. Unless you are fortunate enough to meet someone else, you’ll be alone.

And nothing feels more alone than having young and enthusiastic people moving away. It will clear the air out of a home like a balloon deflating.

People will tell you it’s not that bad

Some people are glad when their kids move out. They’ll tell you the quiet is great. Not having to carpool is great. They love being alone.

But not me, and not many others.

You may compensate by volunteering a lot or socializing more. Not a fun idea for naturally introverted people.

You’ll travel, but doing it solo isn’t as always as fun as traveling with a partner.

You can immerse yourself in your writing, or doing the things you love, but after a while, you’ll miss someone being around. You’ll pick up the phone again to call your children.

And you’ll find yourself looking at young families and older couples enviously. You’ll wish they’d invite you over for dinner, to get you away from your solitary life.

You’ll feel like everyone in life is at a party and you weren’t invited.

And when you visit your adult children, it will be the highlight of your life. You’ll have so much fun with them that you’ll feel that sad, sinking feeling every time you return home.

At least your cat or dog will keep you company between visits. And you’ll be grateful for it.

Yet, there are some positives

While you’re adjusting to an empty house, you can learn to love your new freedom.

Your time is yours now. You can do whatever you want.

You can finish your novel. You can visit a friend for a weekend. You can paint.

You can redecorate your home.

You don’t have to cook for people anymore. Now you can eat whatever you want, whenever you want.

And it’s kind of cool to go visit your young adults in their new digs and let them cook for you. And you get to explore the new town they live in with them.

Life goes on. Hey — you may even meet someone else to keep you company if all the stars align.

There are support groups online for single-parent empty nesters where you can find out that you’re not completely alone. Others are going through the same thing. Others are mourning the lives they once had.

Because it’s nice to know you’re not alone in this.